LMPP

Wow...

2009-12-17T13:18:00.002+01:00

...it's been forever since I last posted on here...

It's been a year in our new house now & we have 2 lodgers, D's bro & D's mum so I think it's safe to say that I've not had much time to myself. It's been a laugh though.

Mum is ok, although she will never regain her sight in her eye (after numerous diagnosises from different doctors that she keeps being shoved to, she hasn't seen the same doctor twice, stupid hospitals) her leukemia as been classed as Stage 0, which means she needs no treatment for the forseeable future because there is nothing to treat...yet! As you can imagine we are over the moon for now, but the day will come when she will have to have treatment and until then, I'm thinking good thoughts.

Doh...

2009-07-29T10:19:00.002+01:00

In the wake of finding out Mother is ill, She was told that she would have to go and have a biopsy of her temperal artery to a. Confirm the diagonisis and b. To see how bad it is and whether she might just regain some of the sight she has lost.

On the day, Dad dropped her off and because hospitals like you to register that you are there like 52 hours before your appointment* Dad then buggered off home for a few hours to potter about and try not to blow himself up without Mothers supervision when making a cup of tea.

It was then that he managed to bump into Ivor. Ivor is a really, really old man who lives opposite my parents (and must be about 150 years old by now cos back when I was little he was really old then) and is the street BIGGEST gossip. For an old man who cannot walk without the aid of his shopping trolley for support anything you tell him gets around that street faster than Speedy Gonzalas. On speed.

Anyway, Ivor had noticed that Mother wasn't about and asked our Dad where she was.

Dad told him... 'Oh, our Pat's gone in for a lobotomy today.'

As you can imagine, Mother got some odd stares from her neighbours and half of England that day when she walked from the car to the house without the aid of a wheelchair and dribbling everywhere 3 hours after her 'lobotomy'.

Fucking lobotomy.

*ok maybe just 4 hours but for a half blind old woman who can't go 5 minutes without a fag it does feel like 52 hours!

It Never Rains...

2009-07-23T12:55:00.002+01:00

Things haven't been easy the last few weeks in the LMPP parental household.

Mother is unwell.

Usually when Mother falls ill we all know about it from the mouth of Dad. Mother shouts at Dad because she feels shitty and Dad is usually pulling her chain by trying to do EVERYTHING for her (Bless you Dad) so she doesn't have to get up and do anything. Dad then whines to the offspring (Me and Bro) about how poorly Mother is and how he has to cook his own tea or something...

This time however, Mother is reaaaallllly unwell.

My wonderful, lovely Mum has lost her sight in one eye due to a condition called Temporal Arteritis (Yes, A.R.T.E.R.I.T.I.S, not Arthritis) and as a result had to spend the best part of last week in the eye hospital where she discovered she is also suffering from Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia and has been for probably the last 3-4 years. I did my mummy proud, I didn't cry. Well, not in front of her anyway.

How do you deal with the news that someone you love soooooooo much has cancer?

It's only mild so no need to worry too much yet, she has stage 1. So that's what I have been doing. I've been reading up so much to see what the odds are and if she is going to be ok. So far, Stage 1 is not life threatening and can be treated successfully for years to come although not curable. At the moment...

...but it is still cancer and it's that I can't deal with.

Happy days...

2009-05-05T12:40:00.002+01:00

So last Saturday I watched my big brother get married to his girlfriend of 14 years & 2 kids. About bloody time I say. It was (apart from my own) one of the best weddings I have been to. Why? Because they not only had the wedding ceremony, they had the whole family confirmation thing so their kids could be involved as part of the service. It was tear jerking stuff people.

I would of cried, honestly, but when your beloved brother, all dolled up in his suit with tails, closely resembles the Fat Controller from Thomas the Tank Engine all you wanna do is laugh!

Choo choo!!

Life goes on...

2009-04-23T12:35:00.002+01:00

And on & on...

D has a new job, he will be writing wills. To do this job we have had to buy him a 50cc scooter to get around town, buses are soooo unrealiable!! Next, we have to tax, insure & get petrol for it. Not good when you HAVE NO MONEY!!

D starts properly on Tuesday next week. He has 4 appointments already & his mydiary keeps pinging with more appointments. It is really good money though. The downside is he will have to be self employed which means he will have to pay his own PAYE & NI, thats 25% of his income stashed away somewhere safe until 01/04/2010. Nice, there will be all this money & I can't spend it!!

On a great note, we are going on a freeeeee holiday to Spain!! Well, nearly free, we only have to fork out £94. We go in October, D's bro will stay at home and love The Cat. Talking of the Cat, we had to take him to the vet again yesterday as he began the whole 'I want to pee but ain't happening so MEEEEOWWWWWW, MEOWWW, PURREOWWW, MEOWWW' in my face. Constantly. I went for a wee & he jumped onto my lap & continued the pained stare. He coupied down 11 times in 10 minutes and nothing come out. Given his past we took him to the vet just to be told that he had cysititis & charged me £52.00 for the pleasure.

Then, he did the unforgivable...

... he gave Darth an injection. Everyone knows that giving Darth an injection will turn him into Mental Cat for a few days and OMFG I did not sleep for the racket coming out of his mouth all bloody night.

I'm going to London...

2009-03-10T14:12:00.002+01:00

Yay! And I'm so excited. Well, excited and a bit sad as this day trip signals the end of all fun and frolics for me & D.

D has been made redundant.

Crap isn't it? Just bought a house and stuff and D loses his job. He'll get a smallish payout, being as he worked there for 7 years, but nothing that we can live on for a few months. He has been applying for jobs left, right & centre but nothing as yet. Bloody recession.

Soooo, the London trip is a day trip for one last blow out before we have to buckle our belts & stop having lives, pay all the bills and live in poverty. I'm not complaining, I've done it before & can do it again. Asda Smart Price, here I come!!

Apart from that, life is good.

Lots of exercise... Possibly

2009-02-12T12:09:00.002+01:00

So, new year, new body? Maybe...

I have been joining my friend in pounding the pounds on her new cross trainer. It kills me, I've never felt so bad in my life whilst working that bastard! Maybe that's why I've only done it twice so far this year...?

Nothing much on the interesting front. D has to find a new job as his boss can't afford to keep him on for much longer. He also can't afford to pay him redundancy which is amusing. I've told D not to leave until A. He has a new job that pays more or B. He gets redundancy. Either is satisfactory for me now we have a massive mortgage to pay.

I've been trying out some new receipes as well, to add to my list of stuff I've cooked there is...

Chicken & Bacon Risotto
French Onion Soup with Cheesy Croutons
Chocolate Mud Cake
Beef & Bacon Lasagne

I test the finished products on D's brother & so far he has cleared his plate on all of them!! result!

One day I will post photos of the finished food!

So far...

2009-01-15T13:40:00.002+01:00

So it's a New Year & like other suckers I know I decided to make some New Year Resolutions. So far I haven't started any. Doh!

Anyway, New Year Resolutions are:

1. Get fit. When you bend over in your office and a customer shouts 'Whoa, total eclipse of the sun man' you get a bit of a complex. So far, getting fit has consisted of me walking to the chip shop instead of driving and drinking squash instead of coke. Getting fit will be a long hard slog for me.

2. Make more effort. This relates to my appearance in the office. At present, I get up & look in the mirror and cringe, clean my teeth, wash my bits. get dressed (yes, in the light although it does look like I do get dressed in the dark sometimes) & go. I rarely bother with my hair (I should do, hedge dragged backwards comes to mind) or make up (the bags man, the baaaags). I have begun to get up a little earlier to address above points, however at the moment, me getting up earlier has given me more time on a morning to moan about getting up too early.

3. Be nice. So far this year I have been nice. To people I like. People I don't like have been having a rough time courtesy of my tongue. Stop it LMPP. Be nice.

4. Drink less alcohol. This relates to number 1. However, its not happening, it just jumps in my mouth. Oops.

5. Blog more. Ok, this one I will succeed at. I'm crap at blogging and it shows. I am ashamed.

6. Cook more. I looooove cooking! I watch all the shows & read all the blogs but my kitchen is a bit of a ghost town. I can and have proved I can cook fairly well, but my menu is limited:
Casseroles: Sausage, Chicken & Beef
Toad in the Hole
Lasagne
Cottage Pie (once)
Roast dinners
Spag Bol
Lemon Chicken (no one in my household likes it?)
Chicken Biryani
Fried breakfast
Chilli
Random quickie frozen shite

I need to learn more receipes & cook more!

7. Spend less money on crap & more on important stuff. Nuff said!

Ok, that's it, my list of things to achieve this year. Whether or not I succeed is another story. However, I will blog more & update you so at least one of my resolutions will be fufilled!!

It's so damn cold...

2009-01-02T08:53:00.002+01:00

In fact, my car iced over whilst driving it this morning with the heaters on. I have to pull over quick & pray there wasn't a parked car in my way.

Happy Holidays & Happy New Year! A bit late I know but then again, better late than never eh?

Yesterday, yes, New Years Day, I got pulled over by a copper for apparently pulling out in front of a car. It didn't matter that the car I 'pulled out in front of' was approx 5 football field lengths away from me, he still pulled me & proceeded to tell me what was wrong with my car...

Him: 'You have no brake lights madam'.
Me: 'Yes I do, I can see them lighting up on your car you're parked so far up my ass!'

Apparently that's a bad thing being cheeky to the police.

Him: 'I'm going to issue you with a vehicle defect form. You have to immediately get your car repaired by a registered MOT Testing Station & get this form stamped & post it to this address on the back. Do I make myself clear Mrs. M?'
Me: 'Duh, it's New Years Day, Pray tell where I'm supposed to get this done on New Years Day??'
Him: 'Not my problem Mrs. Mead'.

The police, very helpful.

In fact, when I went to hand it in at my local police station after dragging my friend away from his family meal to fixed my car & stamp said form, the nice lady behind the counter told me she couldn't accept it & that it had to be posted and gave me an envelope for my trouble.

Thanks, I'm soooo pleased.

I then went to work in the pub, where I'm not in the managements good books, & played gin rummy with the other member of bar staff for most of the night. No customers is an understatement, I must have served no more than 11 people in 6 hours. I do not think we will be getting double time this New Years Day.

Fabulous start to 2009 don't you think?

It's about time...

2008-11-25T15:38:00.002+01:00

I thought I'd update you all with the going ons my my life.

We are nearly there with the house buying, Friday we should be proud owners of our new house. D's mum has very kindly allowed us to make a start on the bathroom as she is away in Spain for a few days. All looking marvellous & I will, I promise to post a few photos of it once it is done!!

Nonsense & Trivia

2008-10-16T14:16:00.002+01:00

My life is soooo boring. Since the last time I posted NOTHING interesting has happened. I will list however some points of possible interest:

1. All the searches on our soon to be new house are complete & are all tickity boo. Just waiting for the solicitor to give us a moving in date. Hopefully it will be before christmas. Fingers crossed!!

2. Still have not spoken to my friend whom I fell out with below. I have heard on the grapevine though that she is very bitter & has been badmouthing me to anyone who will listen. Well, all of the 3 people she still speaks to in Bristol anyway. Guess what though, it's not bothering me anymore, I've moved on now & rarely mention her to anyone. Because I've moved on, I no longer feel angry or upset about the whole thing. I guess thats good.

3. On the subject of friends, I have made a fab new one. She helped me get incredibly drunk last week, ok I got incredibly drunk last week & she was there. Didn't help it was a work night though & had to be up & in work by 7.30am the following day. Be proud though, I made it. She's a bad influence but I looove her!

4. My dear friend's cancer has spread. I'm saddened & gutted. Fight boy Fight!! Not going to type about it as it makes me cry.

5. This recession is hitting everyone hard. Luckily I've not been too badly affected by it yet. I'm sure once the mortgage & bill payments start I will though. Must buy everything expensive while I still can! Haha!!

That's it!! See how boring my life has been of late?!?

Woohoo!!

2008-09-24T11:50:00.000+01:00

Ok, short quick post...

Me & D have had our mortgage approved. So that means soon we will be HOMEOWNERS!!!

OMG! I am sooooooooooo excited!!!

Mwahhh!
xx

Ok, so now I'm not so much impressed...

2008-08-21T13:04:00.002+01:00

I have a friend who has seriously pissed me off big time. So much so, I don't think I particulary want to call her my friend anymore. Does that make me sound like a bitch?

She split with her bloke. I was there for her. She shouted, screamed & cried for weeks about it. I was there for her. She told me he had a new beau. I was there for her.

Then...

She started blowing me off when I would arrange to see her. Like, 2 days before she would text & cancel with some sort of excuse, 3 times in all. I then found out that she had basically accused me of being a thief when I helped her pack her stuff to leave him as she tried to take so say some of his belongings. She blamed me for taking it. I said nothing, I didn't want to upset someone so fragile as she was then, but I was crushed inside. I then noticed her car outside his house so I asked her if they had reconciled. That's when she told me he had a new girlfriend & it would never happen & that he was borrowing the car. I believed her because I had no reason not to.

Then...

I went to a friends wedding last weekend & on my return I was shown, quite innocently, photos of my friend & her supposed ex together, and I mean together. Now, I had been invited to the party that these photos were taken at but I couldn't go as I was at a wedding. So, I texted her asking if it was all back on & guess what, I have been ignored.

Now, her car has been outside his house for a week or so now, which prompts me to believe she is back, yet she hasn't said a word to me. She has not contacted me or attempted to see me.

It hurts.

I'm assuming she has cut me off. Possibly because I was so angry at the accusation of theft I ranted at her supposed ex boyfriend & called her a few choice things. I assume he's told her. But did I not have a right to be mad? I should have confronted her maybe, but I didn't, live with it.

She also accused a mutual friend of sleeping with the supposed ex which she wasn't. She was angry & also ranted about it. She didn't confront her either, maybe she should have. Did our mutual friend not have a right to be mad?

After this post, I'm not going to care any longer. I've done my bit and she's thrown years of friendship out of the window because she had a bad break up & a good get back together. Basically, all the times I've stood by her has been thrown back in my face because I got mad with her. Well, fine.

I will survive.

Poor Old Weston Pier...

2008-08-01T10:47:00.002+01:00

Poor old Weston Super Mare Pier once stood gloriously like this...

& on Monday 28th July it had been reduced to this...

I am so sad. I spent a lot of my teenage years mooching around this grand old pier, playing the gamblers & spending copious amounts of time on the rickity old ghost train. Life was good back then.

They reckon up to £100000 pound coins melted in the fire. No one is really sure what started it but this is the end of an era, at least for me.

Even sadder news, a friend of mine has just been diagnosed with cancer.

Life can be pretty shit sometimes!

Don't laugh...

2008-07-24T12:39:00.003+01:00

...but I am wearing a dress!

The last possible time I wore a dress was on my Wedding Day.

I don't care, it is waaaaay too hot for trousers so the office will have to suffer the sight of my lily white legs.

I have defluffed thanks very much.

I have never seen so much vomit...

2008-07-23T11:16:00.002+01:00

... as I did last night when the cat decided to explode all over my bedroom floor.

Yep, on the carpet, not the laminate. (no matter how many times I shout at him, the carpet is the way to go apparently!!)

And I didn't notice until I had stepped in it. In bare feet.

Insert retching here.

So, I did what any self respecting girl would do. I left it until D came home, pointed at it in a weak & pathetic manner & said 'ewwhhh'. To which D called me a lazy cow & proceeded to mop up the mess, all the while giving me the evils.

Hey, I don't mind, at least he cleared it up. Mwaa ha ha ha haaaa.

I am not that lazy, I just protest at clearing up vomit. This is why I don't have children. Maybe I shouldn't have feed Darth the lamb...?

On other, more interesting matters, I'm bored. I'm in that kind of limbo where I know I should feel my age but in reality I still feel like a 17 year old. One is 30 on Friday. One should act her age! Ach! I can't even make myself feel 30. What hope is there for me??

Holidays over...

2008-07-14T13:37:00.002+01:00

Now back to work.

I hate the feeling of returning to work after a holiday. I keep thinking the worst & then it's never as bad once I get here.

Me & D had a lovely week of riding the scary rides @ Alton Towers (Monday) & chilling out in the rain in Ilfracombe (Rest of the week). I hate beach holidays, I can almost guarantee that it'll rain the entire time & yep, it did. It was ok though, a million pubs to choose from, we kept dry.

I'll be 30 in two weeks time. Scary prospect. I still feel I have a lot more growing up to do yet.

Like I said, back to work!

Bits & Bobs...

2008-06-23T12:29:00.003+01:00

Yep, I've been suffering with yet another cold. This time it was a bad one, I had to take time off work to rest up & recover. Today I am better, but still have a tremendously snotty nose.

Not much in the way of excitement in LMPP land in the last month. One of my closest friends split up with her boyfriend. Not through choice, he threw her out. She's devestated & can't move on despite me trying to help her. He's still in contact with her but methinks he's telling her just want she wants to hear. Actions speak louder than words mate. Think about it.

The saving for the new house is going well. However, I'm now a little dubious about buying a house in the current climate. Everywhere you look says we are on the brink of recession, I'm not sure I want to be a home owner during this time, or even try to get a mortgage. We are under a little pressure from D's mum to buy her house & I don't want to cause a family row if I say not yet. (We are meant to be buying in September). Not sure what to do.

Hopefully July will be more interesting...!

All is well...

2008-06-06T15:36:00.003+01:00

Excitement and Drama in the world of work in the last couple of weeks...

Drama... The newbie got the sack for taking 32 days of sick in less than 10 months. Yup, you heard right! 32 days!! Bonus for me, didn't have to double check & correct all the work anymore as I would be doing it. Boo for me, more damn work!!

Excitement... The infamous Tart is back! Yes, she returned to working with me on Monday so bonus for me, no more damn work & I can go on holiday without stressing about everything! There's no boo, I'm just waaaay happy that I have my Tart back!!

Double boo however, I normally blog in work cos the PC at home takes an age to boot up and if you wanted to use 'tinternet then the PC would laugh at you and switch off. Now, my boss has banned all internet usage so therefore I have to 'covert blog' instead. So people, you will hear from me whan my boss is out of the office!

Damn my boss!

Ugh...

2008-05-15T11:54:00.004+01:00

Why is it that if an animal is going to get hit by a car it is always me driving the car behind? No word of a lie, last weekend I seen 3 animals get hit & 2 near misses. The problem is, I freak out when I see an animal get hurt. Freaking out at 70mph is not a good thing to do. And on top of that, I almost hit a little, tiny fox when it dashed out in front of me. I stopped in time & my dad got out to check it was ok. It was so scared it literally led down in front of my car, looking up at my dad & cried, which in turn made my mum cry.

We took it to the nearest vet, just in case as mum reckoned it was way too young to be away from it's mother. The vet took it in, I have no idea what has happened to it now.

We have new sofas!! And already Darth has destroyed one of them with his evil claws! Never mind, can't do much about it now.

Happy Happy Joy Joy...

2008-04-30T14:23:00.002+01:00

Why is it that when I want the cat to cuddle up to me he does his best to get away, yet when I really don't want him to cuddle up to me he's hell bent on doing so...

The last 4 nights have been hell. We don't have a door in the flat that shuts properly so Darth can push his way in at any time. For the last 4 nights, he's taken to sleeping on my side of the bed. While I'm in it.

D's side isn't good enough for Darth. It has to be my side and it has to be where I would put my legs. So, for the last 4 nights I've been either curled right up or sleeping on an angle which pisses D off no end because I 'intrude' into his 'space'.

I've tried pushing him off, he just gets right back on. This cat is the cat equivilent of a serial stalker. Today, I am the equivilent of a mental patient intent on eating people who come my way. 'What's that Steve? Come into my office, I'm going to bite your head off!'

Apparently, according to the radio, 'Elvis ain't Dead.' If that bloke sings 'Elvis ain't dead' one more time I'm going to shove the radio up his arse. Oh god. Now I have Will bloody Young warbling nasally about letting people down.

Seriously Will, no one gives a shit if you didn't put 'her first'. Her? Thought you swung the other way mate?

I've ran out of people to eat. I'm off to find some.

Normal LMPP will resume once she's had a nice long cat free sleep.

It's all gone...

2008-04-10T11:55:00.002+01:00

Not all of it though.

I finally did it. After months of shall I, shan't I, I finally had my hair cut short.

Not mega short, just from 5 inches below my shoulders to just under my ears and no, my head does not feel lighter for it.

Now all I need to do is work out how to take a photo & get it on here by using my mobile...

When bored...abuse the cat...

2008-04-02T11:09:00.002+01:00

When I get home from work around 5pm ish, the first thing Darth does is meow loudly at the door for a trip to the bathroom. My cat is bonkers, did you know that?

Usually, as I am already busting my ass for a pee, I oblige.

Yesterday, Darth became obsessed with the bath so I turned the tap on for him. He, being a cat, crapped himself & turned to get away from the stream of nasty water & in his haste got one of his front paws wet. He then proceeded to limp about for the next 3 hours, refusing to put his paw on the floor while he walked.

It's not acid, you stupid cat.

Eventually, he gave up with the wounded cat act. I shook his treat pot & lo and behold, the limp was gone. Actually, I think he realised he had been tricked as he sat with his back to me for the rest of the evening, lashing out at my leg every time I walked near him. I have a huge scratch on my arm where he caught me...

Earlier this week, whilst chasing his tail, he managed to catch his tail between his legs and get his claw stuck in it. I seriously have never seen anything as funny as a cat trying to leg it with a tail stuck up between his legs and a paw trapped in his tail. I cried!

Yesterday lunchtime, I was attacked by the worlds biggest spider. It dangled in front of my face and spread its legs at me, like it was going to eat my head or something. I was sat in a very small car at the time so I couldn't run. My boss saved me, but only after he removed the twig that had landed on his precious bonnet & laughed at me for a minute or so.

My throat is still hurting from all the screaming!

I know how to pour a pint of Guinness thanks...

2008-04-01T10:46:00.002+01:00

There is a girl that works with me at the pub who sometimes really gets up my nose. Especially when she gets her head up her ass.

On Sunday, she corrected me on how to pour a pint of Guinness.

She actually took the pint out of my hand, bumped me out of the way and said 'that's not how you do it. Whinge whingey whinge'.

Can you imagine how pissed off I was? Go on, imagine. Stupid Bitch.

On a much happier note, It's my parents wedding anniversary today & in 14 days time it will be my 1st!

Woohoo!!

I hate it when...

2008-03-31T13:16:00.002+01:00

10 things that really NARK me off!

1. When you text someone a question & they do not text back.
2. When you call someone & they don't answer & they don't call you back.
3. When someone replies to your email without reading it properly, causing you to have to email them again with the same information.
4. When someone blatantly ignores your request of 'please don't tell me if such or such happens as I will worry', and tells you anyway. Mostly on a Friday afternoon so there is bugger all you can do about it until Monday & therefore you worry about it all weekend.
5. When someone tells you that you are doing it wrong when you have been doing it that way for years & they've been doing it for 5 minutes.
6. When the cat decides that walking away from the laminate & barfing on the carpet is a much better idea.
7. When no matter how hard you try, the page you want to look at won't load onto your computer, nor any other computer within your reach.
8. Not interested in how much your armpit hair as grown and no, I do not want to pluck the straggley bits for you.
9. When you prove you are right but it doesn't count because they think you are lying anyway.
10. When you work for someone that everyone hates.

The local Italian...

2008-02-28T13:52:00.003+01:00

Last night, Me & D decided that as I had drank one to many Baileys & was unable to drive to Sainsbury's to buy stuff for tea, we would go out for food instead. We walked to our local Italian restaurant & settled in for an evening of good food & even better wine.

How wrong was I.

I can't fault the service, our waiter was tres dishy, the wine was yummy, but the food...

D's pizza looked really nice, as did his starter which was Prawn Cocktail. If I liked prawns, I would have eaten his. My starter was 'Classic Bruscetta' & out it came, looking delicious with plump red tomatoes chopped up & drizzled with a generous amount of olive oil, but, do you think I could chew through the bread?? No. It was so stale, it took real manpower to slice through the damn thing. So instead I ate just the tomatoes & the accompanying salad & left the bread, looking sad & grey on the edge of the plate.

Next I had a chickeny tomatoey & wine winey sauce all spruced up with millions of Italian herby thing. Now, this place is an 'authentic' Italian, the last this I expected to be served with my Italian is huge chunks of chopped, boiled carrot & half a cauliflower, & chunky chips so greasy it could put the local chippy to shame. So I ate only the chicken, which was nice. But I couldn't bring myself to eat the rest of it, carrots & cauliflower just didn't go.

D very graciously let me have a dessert which was absolutely gorgeous. Black Cherry ice cream drizzled with amaretto & served with flaked almonds & whipped cream in return for not embarrassing him by complaining to the dishy waiter. I wasn't going to complain, I was too merry by then but let's not tell D that shall we??

All in all, I think I would have preferred the local curry house instead, but we won't tell D that either!

This is why I do not read newspapers...

2008-02-21T14:19:00.002+01:00

Ok, a little late to be feeling lucky to be alive but anyway...

Remember in 2006 when I was ill with Pneumonia? I was off work for 4 weeks in total & had to be hospitalized for a week before that?

Well, in the paper today, kindly pointed out to me by my ever loving father, is an article on Pneumonia and it's causes & effects. It sort of skimmed over what causes it, apparently you 'breathe in' the germ & tada, you'll have Pneumonia by the end of the week. But its not that thats bothering me. What's bothering me is this:

I know that the very young & the old are most at risk, or people with really bad health & that having Pneumonia then leaves a frighteningly high risk of death hanging over you, I understand that & I know why, but reading this article made me feel, well, kind of really lucky.

A young healthy girl, like me, (yeah yeah, shut up people that know my sick record) had caught this & was told by her doctor that if she hadn't gone into hospital that day then she would have been dead by the next. Her lungs would have collapsed in her sleep. She went onto recover & voila, she is fit & healthy again. My doctor has told me that my lung will be permantly scarred from the infection & not to be surprised if I get periods of breathnessless in extreme cold, heat or when i'm ill. All subsequent x rays have shown scar tissue in my lung. She hasn't been told that, she's made a full recovery. So does this mean my infection was more severe? Does this mean I was so much closer to death? Her symptoms were way worse than mine, yes I was in pain & god was I tired, but I never once felt like I was dying. I had a cough a smoker would have been proud of & I hacked up a half a lung during one sleepless night, but I didn't feel really, really ill. Could the drugs they pumped into me stopped me from feeling like that?

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that maybe I was closer to oblivion than I realised. I've never really read up on Pneumonia & therefore didn't realise that not being in the high risk catergories didn't necessarily mean I would be fine. Well, look at me, I'm not 100% fit, I get more colds than all the people I know & I get knackered really easily cos my immune system hasn't been fabulous since. I must have been way more sick than I thought & that scares me.

I'm simply saying I'm going to enjoy my life more. I'm not going to get so stressed out about work anymore, I'm not going to waste time on people that mess me about, I'm not going to mooch around whinging that I'm tired or I'm fed up. I'm going to have more holidays, do more for me & my family & my dearest friends.

Maybe this is the wake up call I needed people...

I'm getting old...

2008-02-20T14:07:00.002+01:00

Yes I know, it's been ages since I last blogged. But dear readers, I have a vaild (ish) reason.

After approx 3 years of blogging, I forgot my password. How could I forget my password??

Anyway, it came to me this morning whilst thinking about how crap I am at remembering things. I was on the verge of starting a new blog, it was that distressing. I couldn't blog!! People, I am seriously getting old. I'm forgetting simple things.

I have now stuck my password to my computer screen so I will not forget again.

Onwards & upwards brain, must do some more brain training on the old DS.

The End...

2008-01-29T16:03:00.000+01:00

... No not of my blog, although sometimes I'll look at it & think 'how long since I last blogged on here??' No, the end has come, the end of Tart working for us.

I have to admit, I am crushed. I half hoped she would bounce in and announce that no, they weren't moving all the way across Britain & in fact they are staying but of course, that didn't happen. We'll keep in touch via phone & email & lots of visits, she is one of my best friends and I'm priviliged to know her.

Doesn't stop me from missing her and stomping around work growling at everyone though.

So bye Tart. Have a nice life in sunny Kent. Don't forget about us back here in rainy Bristol. I love you.

Happy Belated New Year to you all...

2008-01-15T13:46:00.000+01:00

... and what a shitty start to 2008 it has been!

Jan 1st - My good friend Z Grampy died in his sleep. He had been unwell for a short time but his death was still a shock to everyone. He bought up Z & her brother when her mum died when Z was 11. Z was stuck in Australia & literally has only just been able to get home so she is even more so devastated that she couldn't be here for him.

Jan 3rd - now - I have been constantly ill. No surprises there. It started with a bad head cold which turned into sickness & the runs which then turned into a fever complete with aches in places I didn't know you could get aches and has ended back to where it began, a bad head cold. My head hurts even if I move my eyes. I would give the earth to be able to wake up one morning without sandpaper in my throat & a river of sludge up my nose.

Jan 11th - My friend had a car accident. She is fine but her car is not. Looking at her car it could have been a lot worse, she is very lucky. I also lost my phone & with it all my contacts. If you asked me at the time I would have sworn someone had chopped my arm off. I have it back now, courtesy of my brother & Sainsburys, they found it in a puddle. It doesn't work, obviously.

Tart is leaving me. She is starting a new life all the way across the country with her new Hubby. Work will be so damn quiet without her.

2008? Leave me alone!

Did we all have a very merry crimbo...?

2007-12-28T10:59:00.000+01:00

I did. I ate waaaay too much.

In fact, in my haste of shovelling rather scrummy, crispy on the outside, fluffy on the inside, roasters into my gob, a stray bit of sharp, crispy roaster penatrated my poor mouth, between the tooth & the gum. I was still picking bits of potato out 3 hours later. Today, my face is still swollen & now I can't eat anything cos MY MOUTH HURTS!!!

My own fault, yes I know. I couldn't even eat the cold turkey salad stuff my mum made.

Nor the homemade turkey stew.

Nor the homemade clementine trifle with fresh cream & chocolate sprinkles.

Nor the homemade mince pies & sausage rolls.

Nor the homemade cheese biscuits with sweet thai chilli sauce, warmed for perfection.

Believe me, these were eaten on my behalf. There isn't anything left now. It makes me very sad. I consoled myself with a rocket shaped ice lolly. Not homemade.

No contest is there?

Anyway, the rest of Christmas was fab!! D bought me perfume, cat ornaments & a Nintendo DS, with games as he thinks I could benefit from some 'Brain Training'!!? My mum knitted me a big fluffy bunny rabbit & bought me a cat print umbrella and a porcelain cat & gave me £50. I have various vouchers for various stores which I will heartly spend on Saturday, and mommy in law gave me some jewellery, a big tin of party ring biscuits & vouchers for Ikea. We drank lots, ate lots (until the tooth incident, then I watched people eat lots), watched Finding Nemo, the Queens speech, Doctor Who, Eastenders (to the disgust of my mother), Coronation Street, Love Actually & The Simpsons movie during which I fell asleep.

So really, Christmas was great this year. How was yours?

Randoms of the week

2007-12-14T13:21:00.000+01:00

This week I have...

Gone shopping with Mother only for her to wander off whilst I'm buying tights & remain missing for half an hour! She also took all my shopping with her. So for half an hour I'm frantically calling her on her mobile which, surprise surprise, is switched off and eventually she reappears and annouces that she got bored & thought she'd do some window shopping while she was waiting for me. WTF woman? Tell me next time, I almost rang Dad & reported you missing in action! You know what that would have meant?!

Wrapped Christmas presents, solidly, for 3 hours!! 3 bloody hours! I have bought waaaay too much this year!!

Seen the bank about a mortgage. Me & D have to save at least £8000 if we want to buy D's mum's house in August. We are £2000 in, wish us luck!! At least the bank wasn't scary, I was half expecting a big, bad I SAID NO.

Come home from work & found D had completely decorated the front room full of Christmas decorations, complete with lights around the fireplace & tinsel on the cat. The cat was less than impressed. Love you D, this is why you are my hubby.

Gone to work to find out that 2 more people I knew have died. Thats 7 this year. One died from bowel cancer (he kept that a secret!) and the other from meningitis (scary)! Both were top blokes. Its a shame as the one that had meningitis had battled throat cancer twice & beat it. Fate can be a bastard sometimes.

Witnessed that TV program Skins filming in the pub last week! We are famous!!

Come home from work & found the cat had flicked a claw yet again & opened the freezer door. I really wish he would shut it afterwards. The freezer door is now sellotaped shut & the cat has strict instructions to stay away. Like he will listen to me mind, he's a cat.

Discovered that one of my fave bloggers has made her blog open to invited readers only. Please, please, pleeeeeeeease invite me! I love your blog, I don't like the whole 'permission denied' message, it makes me feel i've done bad things.

Talking of bad things, I apparently got steaming drunk last Saturday night & vandalised stuff (oops, sorry) & held a one sided convo with the cat. (why are you so small? Do you hate being small? Do you wish you were tall? etc.). I have no memory of any of this so it may be that i'm being lied to for others amusement. I am way too refined for such outlandish behaviour. I think.

So that's the highlights of my very eventful week. Next week should be eventful too, we have our staff crimbo party. I will tell you all about it...

Random Stuff...

2007-12-03T13:53:00.000+01:00

I like grapes, especially red ones.
I buy red grapes & put them in my fruit bowl every week.
I then chuck them out after a week because I'd forgotten to eat them.
It really pisses me off.

Last week, a man in our yard slit his wrist whilst trying to score a large sheet of paper with a knife. Unfortunately for him, he managed to slit himself vertically right down the middle of his artery. You can imagine the blood. The ambulance took 12 minutes to get here. 12 minutes with a slit wrist = a hell of a lot of lost blood. The paramedics by all accounts were rude & standoffish with him. I so hate this country sometimes.

He's ok now, 3 hours in surgery & a lot of cleaning up for his coworkers. I expect he is feeling incredibly sore now though.

Yesterday was my nephews 11th Birthday. 11?!! Wow. What follows is the conversation I had with him when I went to give him his birthday present.

LMPP: 'Happy birthday Stu-Poo'
Stu: 'Grunt'
L: 'Have you had a nice day? What did mum & dad get you?'
S: 'Grunt'
L: 'Did you get to go ice skating with Saleem?'
S: 'Grunt'
L: 'Do you want to watch Elf with me? It's on now.'
S: 'Grunt'
L: 'Ok then, here's your present'
*lots of rummaging & tearing*
S: 'Grunt'
L: ...
S: ...
L: 'Well, happy birthday anyway'
S: 'Grunt'
D: 'Hey Stu-pot, Happy Birthday!'
S: 'Hey Uncle D, come watch Elf with me'
L: ...
S: 'Oh, Auntie K, some rugby boots would be good for my xmas present. Ok?'
L: '...oh ok then'
S: 'Grunt'

Such wonderful communication between Auntie & Nephew. Wait until I offer him some sweets next week, he will be brimming with conversation.

Little Shit.

Bad Weekend...

2007-11-19T13:54:00.000+01:00

It's been nothing but a crappy weekend in LMPPs household. D has constantly working, coming home to sleep & then back for more work for the last 2 weeks (his boss is on holiday) & I think last weekend broke me. I want my husband back.

Saturday was spent cooking & baking for the freezer, we don't 'do' ready meals, unless its cottage pie. Saturday night was spent in front of the telly, watching the crappy crap crap of Saturday night telly. Sunday was spent at work with oooooh all of 4 customers. Sunday night was spent in front of the telly.

How exciting.

D's boss arrives home tomorrow night. Then I'll have to wait a few days while D sleeps & then I should have him back. Hoorah!!

......

2007-11-16T08:49:00.000+01:00

It's cold, it's cold, it's cold!!!! My feet are cold but mt hands are strangely toasty warm.

Not the point, it's still cold & I had to de ice my frigging car this morning.

Cooooold!!

serves me right...

2007-11-09T13:03:00.000+01:00

Because I'm such a lazy ass mofo, I finally broke down on my way too work this morning on the worst possible road you can break down on.

People in Bristol will know of Beaufort Road in St George, the 'short cut' which is used by everyone & their poodles so in reality it is probably more stuffed with traffic than the 'stuffed with traffic' main road and therefore not much of a short cut really.

Anyway, residents park their cars up one side of this road, there is traffic calming measures all down it & if 2 cars want to pass each other in opposite directions you have to inch very slowly past hoping your wing mirror doesn't want a full on hump with the other, or the side of your car. So there's me, trundling down this road, stop, start, stop, start when my car stalls. And it won't bloody start. And then the sickening realisation when I'm desparately praying for it to start on the next try is that maybe going out & freezing my tits off in the icy, crappy weather, buying petrol the night before instead of snuggling down on the sofa in the warm with the cat, a large bowl of crisps & Eastenders on catch up TV was probably a really good idea.

I counted 30 beeps, 3 effing & blinding white van men, 4 middle fingers & a wanker sign while I waited for my dad with emergency petrol.

Honestly, I never knew the british public could be so warm & understanding. Fuckers.

Sickness & Stuff...

2007-11-08T11:25:00.000+01:00

It seems that it is time for my monthly bout of illness. I had to leave work early yesterday because the sicky feeling wouldn't budge & my tummy is churning evilly. So I went home & crawled onto the sofa with the blanket & a very reluctant cat & tried to watch some telly.

I say tried because D choose that exact moment to come home from work.

Why is it that men seem to try harder to get amorous when you feel like crap? When I am well, D doesn't try as hard. It seems that being ill is a massive turn on for him.

So for about 45 mins, I lead on the sofa trying to ignore D and his mating dance.

Eventually he gave up & went back to work & left me feeling incredibly guilty for not giving in.

Goddamn men.

Books Glorious Books...

2007-11-07T11:45:00.000+01:00

I absolutely 100% love books. I own hundreds of them & I have bookshelves in nearly every room of my flat & my Husband despairs of them. He hates books, especially since I have a tendency to leave them lying around everywhere. He threatens regularly to chuck them out which is much like waving a piece of bloody steak in front of a hungry lion.

The reason why I'm blabbering on about my lovely books is that some have gone missing. Seriously, I know what books I have & what goes where and there are definitely some missing. D has denied even touching them but I'm thinking that the momentous row we had last week about my laziness & 'not putting those frigging books away' may lead me to believe that my darling hubby has quite sneakily disposed of some.

One of the books that has gone missing is, quite embarrassingly, my Cat Counsellor book. I bought it purely because it was buy 2 get 1 free at WH Smiths & that Darth was demonstrating some peculiar behaviour. (Which turned out to be a life threatening bladder condition, which the vet told me, not the sodding book) Anyway I wanted to read something about why cats paw at fluffy cushions to convince my mum that Darth is quite sane & I can't find it. Anywhere.

Side note: The aforementioned fluffy cushion was bought for me by D to celebrate our 6 month anniversary 3 years ago & cost about £40. (hey, it is a nice cushion). Since we acquired our little bundle of fluff, that very expensive cushion has been commandeered by him & woe betide anyone who goes near it. The occasions when I do get to pick it up (usually when Darth is asleep but I do get the one eye open treatment) it's sopping wet from kitty drool so I tend to avoid it anyway.

Another book that is missing is my new Jeremy Clarkson one which I'm particualry upset about as I haven't finished reading it yet. I do like a bit of Jeremy at bed time!

Someone is messing with my books. I will keep you posted.

Are you being sarcastic...?

2007-11-06T16:28:00.000+01:00

Last night at that happy place known as work I served an unsavoury gentleman (read dodgy). My thoughts were accurately justified when after pulling 3 pints of Blackthorn, he paid me with a fake £20 note. When I say paid, I mean tried to pay me with a fake £20 note.

Sorry but no.

So I told him that I couldn't accept it & asked for other means of payment. Jobs a good 'un.

Later, my boss asked me how could I tell it was fake. The chap had complained about it to him.

Imagine a £20 note, not the new style. The holographic logo was light blue & stamped on instead of embossed. The paper was normal paper not the money stuff. The ink ran when he dropped it in a wet patch of beer on the bar & the printing on the back of the note was on the piss. It was obviously fake.

Apparently, since I didn't check it with the ultraviolet light then I still could have been wrong.

So I checked it with the ultraviolet light & guess what? It was a fake.

Really? No shit Sherlock.

It did piss me off. I was forced to look stupid in front of the smug, grimy little twat, & he had a wedge of these stuffed in his pocket, while my boss told me off for not using the ultraviolet lamp.

Last night was a bad night anyway.

Can't be arsed...

2007-11-05T10:30:00.001+01:00

This whole blogging thing is beginning to bore the crap out of me. I think it shows.

Anyhow, I am not a quitter so I'll persevere until it's no longer irritating. I think it's down to the lack of interesting things to say. I read other blogs & they are funny & full of stuff that I like to read, whereas mine seems dull in comparison. But, I will from now make an effort to post at least twice a week, boring or not.

Saturday came & me & N went to watch some pretty fireworks at a fairly shoddly organised firework fair. There were more burger vans there than anything else. The fireworks lasted for 1/2 hour & were quite weedy so I was quite disappointed, I like my fireworks to be massive!

The highlight of the evening (for N) was when a 3 year old twatted me in the head with a glow stick.

My highlight was seeing masses of bats divebomb people.

Random Weekend Thoughts:
What does it mean to dream that you can't open your eyes?
Why is it so foggy?
Why did Vue Cinemas let 12 year olds in to see a 15 rated film?
Why did said 12 year olds scream incredibly loud screams at non scary parts of the film?
Why did I bother going?
Why did my dad choose to call me at 11.30pm & scare the crap out of me just to tell me to drive carefully today? Usually, a call that late means one of them is ill.

Hi, My Name is LMPP & I am a facebookaholic...

2007-10-29T14:39:00.000+01:00

...(now you all clap me & say Hiya LMPP...)

It's true, I've succoumed (sp?) to the evil entity known as 'facebook' and people, I am addicted! Yeehaaw!!

Already I have 52 friends. Seriously, I haven't got 52 friends in real life, but I know of every single one of them. Most of them are from school, 14 years ago. (14 YEARS?!?)

So, if you are a fellow facebookaholic & you wanna be my friend (please be my friend) then email me here and be my newest buddy!

and yes, I know, I am very sad!

it's been aggggeeees...

2007-10-17T14:47:00.000+01:00

Hey people, I've not blogged for ages. Nothing new there then.

I have limited time so here is a brief glance at my life in the past month...

*I have had major stresses with work. I mean actual big, major, lie in darkened room & sob loudly stresses. All to do with 1 person & 1 event. He blamed me when I was absent from work but to my face blamed himself. I found out about the backstabbing & had a fantastically loud & very unprofessional argument with him. I've since proved that I did all I could & the blame lied with him. Luckily I cover my ass well!!

*My friend's dad passed away. He had been incredibly ill for about a year now & I last seen him about a month ago when he came into the pub for Sunday lunch. I was shocked at the time of how ill & gaunt he had become. Ironically, he had overcome the original illness, it was more or less the shock of the fight that he went through that finally put him to rest. It's affected me more than I'd thought to be honest, he was such a lovely man & we will miss him greatly. God rest your soul Mr. Paul, sleep tight in peace. May all the worlds strength be with your family.

*My friends N&G finally moved house after months of stress & let downs. Congrats on your new home babes!! I will miss the old house though, it's been in the family for years!

* Me & D went on our jolly holidays to surprisingly sunny Devon last week. Seriously, it was sunny. Not warm though. This is what we did...
Saturday - arrived & went to Brixham for the evening. Walked around the harbour & watched a man try and nick a boat. He was very drunk. It kept us entertained for an hour.
Sunday - Visited Hope Cove for D. He loves Hope Cove. Hope Cove is lovely but booooring. Has lunch in a pub that previously was nice but has since turned into one of them crappy pubs that serve processed food. Yum I think not!! We then went to Kingsbridge & wandered around a bit. We went into another pub cos I needed a wee & they wouldn't let me use the loo unless we bought a drink! Miserable bastards!! We went for a drive Sunday evening & got lost on the country roads. Found a pub for food & it was like £14 for a bit of chicken. Oops!!
Monday - Took a jolly to Becky Falls & the House of Marbles. I love Becky falls. The House of Marbles has become a bit shit though, they didn't even have the glass blowing demonstrations on! Got mega drunk Monday night and made a bit of a twat of myself. We won't go there.
Tuesday - Visited Kents Cavern & the Model Village and had a wander around Babbacombe. Played bingo in the evening & won sod all!
Wednesday - Went to Torquay to shop & stuff. Found loads of stuff I really really wanted & D refused to let me have any of it. Was very sad!
Thursday - Went to Paignton Zoo & it was FUN!!! watched a tabby cat try and catch some birds & the baboons, I love the baboons! There was a ickle baby one. God, it was soo cute!!
Friday - Tried to find Berry Pomery to see the haunted castle & got so lost it took us an hour to get off the stupid country roads. Ended up back at the caravan waiting for the bingo to start.
Saturday - came home. Boooooo!
Sunday - went back to work. Booooooooooo!!!

Fer F*&ks Sake...

2007-09-26T08:06:00.000+01:00

You remember ages ago me ranting on about the shite that was flying between my landlords & the manager? Well, I think it may be happening again. They've rented out the room to a girl they've known for years & last night I caught the signs of an explosion brewing. They were blantant enough, I think the 'don't talk to me' comment proved I was right. Oh well, heads down time again.

I'm so not coming out of my flat ever.

I watched the sequel to the TV mini doc 'Lucy, a Teen Transexual' last night. It was called 'Lucy, a Teen Transexual in Thailand.' The first one was really good. It followed her through the trauma of having boobies put in to start her gender reassignment. She ended up with 32DD's I think. The second one did piss me of though. The first 1/2 hour repeated the first documentary but really fast. The same scenes & the same story. Then, it showed in articulate detail the making of a moo moo. And I mean close up detail. Seriously made me shudder. It then spent the next 20 minutes filming her in a Thai hospital & then a hotel recovering, the most exciting bit of this 20 mins is when she peed for the first time as a woman & discovering that her new bits worked brilliantly. Then, it showed her getting home to the airport & hugging her mum and then nothing. The documentary had ended. I felt a bit cheated, I wanted to see how she was coping, livimg out her dream of being a fully fledged woman. She did comment that there was 'so much more space to roll my hips when I walk'. To her, that made her feel more like a woman than just having the boobs & the bits. I did cry a bit, especially when her grandad & uncle had to go back to England when all their money was stolen, she spent 3 weeks on her own. But overall I wasn't satisfied with this sequel, I wanted to see her after the operation, living her life they way she always wanted.

Maybe they will make a 3rd. I hope so. 'Lucy, the Teen Transexual 1 year on' or something!

Everyday brings more spam...

2007-09-25T15:56:00.000+01:00

Today, 2 emails received at my work email caught my eye...

One was to 'enlarge my penis for just $3' & the other was selling me a 'Vagina Destroyer'.

If I had a tiny penis, I would certainly be delighted that I could enlarge it for $3. That's like, what £1.50 over here? WooHoo!! D certainly does not need enlarging, although Darth could benefit. Imagine, Stud Darth with the big willy, wooing female felines all over the country! Do they make such offers to kitty cats? One snag though, Darth tends to chase his own tail because it startles him when he flicks it into his eyeline. Just imagine if he started to attack his doodah if he caught sight of that...?

I certainly do not want to buy a Vagina Destroyer. Sorry, but no. Ask a woman who desperately wants to be a man perhaps? Maybe? Or a Nun? Might make some money there mate...?

ERASURE!!!!! WAS!!!! FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
D seemed less enthusiastic once I went mental & danced like a startled buffoon. He didn't really know any of the songs (I knew them all and sang them as loud as I could!!) God, I loooooove them so much. The set was fab, all glitter & lights & bright costumes. Andy Bell is still as fit & gay as ever. Vince Clarke didn't move much & had the tiniest laptop to play all the amazing tunes. They didn't stay on the stage long, the set was over by 10.30pm, but for the encore they played Stop! How Fucking Long has it been since I heard that song?? Mutherfuckin' ages that's how long!!

By the time we left & got back to the car, D hunched himself as far into the door as he could possibly go & stared at me much like someone would stare at a man with a machete dripping with blood. Apparently I'm a closet mental patient who can't control their arms. Granted, I did smack him in the face a few times with my crazed impression of dancing but hey, not my fault the seats are too close together! At least he wasn't bruised. The bloke on the other side of me actually moved away & kept rubbing the side of his face. Oops!

Today is important...

2007-09-19T09:59:00.000+01:00

September 19th 2007. A very, very important day!!

Important because of 2 things.

Reason 1. Tonight I'm off to see the bestest band of the 80's...

That's right, I'm going to see ERASURE!!!! I'm so excited, I really can't wait until 7.30pm so I can skip to my seat and strut my stuff to the best band of my childhood!!

I do have to keep reminding myself that they are really old now & that they will probably sing loads of new stuff that I'll hate but hey, it's Erasure! I never thought I'd ever see them live!

Reason 2 (the most importantist): HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY MAX!

Today is Max's 1st Birthday. He is a very special little boy because he is the son of Bogie & Beaky, 2 of my closest & bestest buds.

I hope you have a fab birthday & 17 years to go before Auntie LMPP can take you to the pub!!

Max, I'm sorry I can't be at your birthday party today because I will still be at work but I will see you tomorrow with a massive pressie! Big slurpy kisses & fat snuggles to you beautiful boy!

See, told you 19th September is special!!

Depressing...

2007-09-17T12:23:00.001+01:00

I was called up by the Doctors to make an appointment for my annual pill check. It's no biggie, I've been to loads & they've all been satisfactory. Until this one.

I'm gonna tell you a secret so no laughing OK?

The nurse weighed me, looked again, looked at me and said...

'You have put on 8 pounds since your last pill check. You are now classed as overweight. You need to shift at least a stone & a half and then we will need to review your pill.'

Eh, excuse me? 8 pounds in 1 year? I don't think thats bad. But, to blatantly refer to me in a roundabout way as fat offends me. Did she notice the size of my boobs? They are at least a stone, and I'm fairly tall, not 6 foot or anything but tall enough. I have a little pouch that D thinks is sweet. My ass isn't massive & i only have cellulite in places only me & D can see.

It was the look she gave me, as if I was 40 stone or something. I was half expecting her to offer me a wheelchair in case I was too fat to walk anymore. Not that my ass would fit in one apparently.

You've all seen my wedding photos, I'm not hideously fat am I?

Sod off nurse, I'm not going on a low fat diet or exercising more just because you think I'm obese. I'm happy where I am thanks. Good job I don't have the mindset to take your comments to heart & develop an eating disorder now isn't it?

Now, where's my KFC?

This is seriously getting boring...

2007-09-12T15:05:00.000+01:00

This blog is turning into a kitty blog. I'm so sorry. It's just at the moment nothing exciting is happening apart from Darth doing Stealth Cat stuff. Like stealing chicken from D's plate the second he looks away.

Darth Vadar = Stealth Cat Supreme!

Let's dreg my brain for something more interesting to yap on about.

My friend L is moving to Leeds. Probably in the next 8 weeks or so, depending on when the house is sold. I'm so sad, it's like losing an arm or something. Leeds is like, 4 hours away or something by car. In my car it'll probably take the best part of a day or more. I'll have to get a plane. That freaks me out more than driving on a motorway.

My Wedding Album finally arrived like 3 months later.

The pub is soooo boring at the moment. Although where we live got raided the other night and we didn't hear a thing. My boss has fixed the alarms now so at least if we get robbed again we will hear it.

Agggrrraaahhhh. I'm going. I'm being incredibly boring...

Distressing...

2007-09-06T15:29:00.000+01:00

I watched a kitty cat get run over yesterday. I didn't know what to do so I drove off. God I feel guilty as hell now.

I made it a mission today to find out what to do in that situation.

Obtain the number of your local RSPCA centre now. Go on, do it.
If you see a animal get hit, stop & call the number. Tell them what's happened. Try & catch the animal and wrap it up in something warm & soft & soothe it. Take it to the RSCPA centre. They will call the owners if there is a collar or a microchip.
If you live somewhere other than Britian, find out what to do where you live. You'll be doing the pet world a fantastic thing.

Seriously, It really shook me up and now I wished I stopped & helped it.

Other kitty news, Darth is now on a prescribed diet. He took one look at the food and stalked off. He hasn't gone near it. To be honest, I wouldn't either. it looks and smells vile. I'm going back to the vet later to try and find something else to feed him, before he eats me or something.

Twice in one day...

2007-08-13T13:11:00.000+01:00

God, I must be sickening for something!

No, not really, I'm blogging briefly because over yonder on this here blog I've been awarded this...

Which is really mint as I don't think I've ever received such an honourable award before! So thank you Brixey Banter, you are a fab blogger & a fab fellow kitty lover!! (My insurance paid out so now no need for me to stress out so much!)

I will, of course, pass on this award to fellow fabbiness within the bloggie world...

Antipo - A fantastic blogger that makes me giggle with her naughtiness & a fabulous mum!
Ms Mac - No words can describe how wonderful this well established & funny woman really is!
Full Willow Moon - She has been with me for so long now I have to make her a Rockin' Girl Blogger. Check out her receipes!
Sarah & the Goon Squad - No introduction needed!
Pickled Beef - A recent find that I will not lose. She's fantastic!

You are all amazing! You all really inspire me in a non stalkerish way!

and of course, straight back at you Brixey!

Randomness...

2007-08-13T09:50:00.000+01:00

My poor toe, it's so bruised!!

Whilst out on Friday night enjoying that myself & 2 friends were naughty lushes for one night only, my toe became the victim of a wayward stilleto heel. The offending heel belonged to none other than Z, one half of the twosome I was partying hard with!

To add insult to injury, she removed her foot from her shoe and left it embedded in my toe.

Fucking Ouch.

Although the pain was slightly dulled by the many 'Blue Lagoon' cocktails that I had sank that night, it still bloody hurt enough for me to have to leave the dance floor & limp pathetically to the nearest railing to hang off of. It hurt more the next day I tell you. Never mind though, I have 9 more toes & I did provide some amusement to my fellow lushes with my pathetic wailing.

On another note, D has man flu, so all wish him a speedy recovery so I can have the sofa back & not have to lie in a pool of his sweaty germs every night in bed.

N.B, why is it that a man can have the worse case of man flu ever and still feel well enough to continually try to get in your pants? Goddamit NO!

Anti inflammatories...

2007-08-03T10:08:00.000+01:00

Darth has finally been for his check up after his near death experience last week. He is ok apart from a massively swollen and bright red willy.

Poor Darth, it hangs pitifully between his legs, all red and sore. He's constantly licking at it & cries when he wees. He also cannot hold his wee at the moment so he goes wherever he is, usually on someones lap.

So the vet gave him some anti inflammatories to reduce the swelling. I have to say, I don't think I've ever seen a cats willy before. Well, now I know.

Now Darth is living up to his name & snarling at anyone & everything. (The vet said it would make him grumpy). So I have a pissy & swollen cat.

The joys!

Big sighs of relief...

2007-07-31T12:03:00.000+01:00

£530.93 later and 1 well enough cat to come home...

Good job i'm insured.

He's ok. He had a blocked bladder that caused him to sustain short term kidney damage. He had to have a little catheter shoved up his willy & a little drip in his arm. He was there until yesterday when he came out & peed in my car. Of course, there is still blood in his wee so I have slightly stained paw marks on my car seats. Lots of people have said that they would have put him down than pay that sort of money. I would have paid it regardless of insurance.

Sorry, but you can't put a price on your pet.

I'm not a lover of dogs, but I wouldn't be as insensitive to state to a worried owner that they were better off killing their pet than helping them? All over money?? There are organisations that will help you pay for a pets medical care. Even your vet would give you a payment plan if you really couldn't pay upfront. It's costs £5.50 a month to insure Darth. I'm pleased I took this out.

On another matter... CONGRATULATIONS BOGIE & BEAKY!!! More babies for you!

Pray for him...

2007-07-27T13:25:00.000+01:00

Darth is incredibley unwell. so much so he is now at the vets with a drip in his little arm.

I know he's just a cat, but he's my cat & he is very very precious to me.

It is possible he may not recover, so please pray for him.

My heart is breaking so much right now.

Highly disturbed...

2007-07-12T10:08:00.000+01:00

Welcome to another grey & damn dingy day in supposedly sunny England. It's meant to be summer goddam. Where's the sun? C'mon, where is it? Well it ain't friggin' here.

Whilst it pissed down last night, me and the hubby spent the evening in front of The Bill & Big Brother & The Day after Tomorrow. It was during this viewing extravagansa that Darth, my sweet & innocent & pure kitty decided that the time was right to try out his sexual prowlness by humping D's left arm.

Yes, my cat humped my Husband.

As you can imagine, D is not impressed at all. I, on the other hand, am highly disturbed. Have you ever watched a cat attempting to shag? Especially something that's not made for shagging? I'm surprised D has an arm left.

Jesus on cheese, Darth's had his balls chopped off, there is no point getting the practice in.

Once a upon a time...

2007-06-28T14:09:00.000+01:00

...in a city not too far from the sea lived a young girl called LMPP who liked nothing better than to sip cocktails by the sea as its gentle waves lapped around her ankles. LMPP was delighted because August was almost upon her which meant she could take her jolly holidays and mosey on down to the beach and live out her yearly fantasy. So she scrimped & saved and dusted off the manky old tent and bought lots of new beach things to make her holiday complete. Eventually, there was one thing left to do... house the cat for a week.

So she called her mum.

'I'd love to help but me & your father are off that week too. We are going to Minehead!'

Undeterred, she called her mum in law.

'I'd love to help but I am away in Solent that week'

A bit put out, she called round all of her friends.

'No, no, no, no, NO.'

So, as a last resort she called a few catteries.

'WTF, HOW MUCH????'

So, LMPP is no longer off on her jolly holidays by the sea. She'll just have to wait until September when her mum is home to have the cat and when the sea is bloody freezing!

Alone no more...

2007-06-15T11:28:00.000+01:00

At last after 6 looooooong months of stress, useless temps & way too much work, Tart has returned from popping out sprogs to immerse herself in spreadsheets, emails and general hard work.

...

Ok, maybe a bit too unrealistic. Tart has returned to immerse herself in spreadsheets, EBay & random websites not involving any kind of work whatsoever.

So Yay to Tart! Welcome back to the fold. Now get your ass down to McD's and buy me a Sausage Grill.

Weekender...

2007-06-11T14:49:00.000+01:00

Friday:
Met up with friends as D abandoned me for his secret society. Spent a good few hours being ignored by friends workmates, apart from one who looked and acted incredibly gay, but insisted he wasn't as to quote, "I'm a Dad" regularly throughout conversation. Gave up trying to be noticed and headed back to the local, to find D completely plastered and talking shite. Went to 'Miss Millies' to feed said drunken husband who ended up covered in bits of fried chicken & barbeque sauce. Marvellous.

Saturday:
Hosted a dress fitted for friend so she could see if her wedding dress fitted. It did. She looked stunning!! Tried on Bridesmaid dress to see if it fitted. It did. I looked marvellous, not stunning. That's her job. Later went into town with Mother to buy framed prints of fabulous tree photos. I love trees, especially black & white trees. Well, black & white photos for trees. Took Mother for company, but also because she would buy one for me. I'm quite sneaky like that. Spent £80 in one go, lets not tell D. Pootled along Saturday evening to a recently refurbished, mega uber pub for a feed with a friend. Managed to wangle free dessert & drinks. Not telling you how, it wasn't legal. It was their fault I would hasten to add, they should have paid more attention. Ended up back in the local to wait for D to finish work whilst admiring his bosses new puppies until one decided to piss all over my lap. Thanks!

Sunday:
Did the usual and woke up 10 minutes before I was due to start work. Made it to work on time although I'm sure that the state of me scared off a few punters as work was very, very dull. Doesn't help that the boss keeps barring people. After 7 hours of hell, went home to have a bath and locked myself in the flat. The bathroom is outside the flat. The door handle broke. Hoorah! Had to ring D's boss to come upstairs & let me out. Darth was delighted as I couldn't shut the door which meant he could escape freely and wander into the pub downstairs. My poor cat must have drank his weight in Blackthorn. He stank of it. Plus he didn't wake this morning to greet me with his usual pissiness so he must have a hangover. Please note, I didn't get my cat drunk, he did it himself so no pointing the finger at me being a cruel pet owner, I can't help what other people feed my cat when I'm in the bath.

Today:
Went to work, on time, (Woohoo), and spent most of the day answering calls & texts from friends regarding yet another crisis at the pub. Not getting much proper work done so am blogging as it's near enough time to go home.

Question: How would you feel if you worked for a place that looked upon you as a sort of temporary supervisor, which you enjoyed & have offered to do more permanently which was well received by your employers, who then hire someone to take the role of supervisor without an if, but or why? Would you be upset enough to quit, or would you just accept that they actually had looked upon you has temporary until they could employ someone else? I know what I would do, but what would you do?

I've lost sooo many days...

2007-06-07T11:30:00.000+01:00

I got incredibly drunk last Friday night!! Yes it deserves 2 exclamation marks as lately I don't 'do' drunk that often. And the reason that I don't 'do' drunk that often? Well, as my title suggests, I've been incapacitated for some time since. Most normal people take a day, 2 at a push to recover. Me? I recovered yesterday. But I did drink a lot, honest!

Me & D watched the film ' The Pursuit of Happyness' last night, the one with Will 'yuummmmm' Smith in it. Although I did try and stay awake to watch it, it didn't happen. I remember watching the bit when Will is hit by the car and then nothing until D berated me for falling asleep.

D: You fell asleep?
LMPP: *startled* I didn't!
D: You so did!
LMPP: Honest I did not.
D: What happened at the end of the film then??
LMPP: Ummm, the credits??
D: ...

I went to bed after that. It wasn't late and I still managed to wake up 5 minutes before I was due to leave for work, the latest possible time I could leave and be in on time by the skin of my teeth. 5 minutes to get ready, have breakfast & leave with a full face of make up is doable, but not today. Sorry, not in the mood.

And today had to be the only day my boss decides that a 7.30am start is a good idea for him this week.

What a bummer eh?

Ok so last night...

2007-05-30T12:18:00.001+01:00

...I didn't dream or have nightmares. None that I can remember anyway. I did wake up and thought it was Saturday, and evidently was late for work. Not be much but still enough to put me in a bad mood today.

And what has since darkened my mood somewhat else since this morning, is stupid requests from customers to 'attend site - obstruction - signage 50%' and when we get there, the obstruction is no less than a 10ft high petrol station price sign that is concreted into asphalt. Do we get paid for this? No. Do we get an apology for a wild goose chase? No. Instead, we get a 'Well why can't you move the obstruction?' and 'We will have to fine you for 'non rectification of fault report.' Sorry, shall I just whip out my JCB and move it to the right a little for you??

And you know what else, I so wish it was Saturday!

Nightmares & the like...

2007-05-29T10:22:00.000+01:00

You know, if I sleep on my back, that's when I have nightmares. I tend to fall alseep on my side which pisses me off as strangely enough I like to have nightmares, I feel invigorated when I jolt awake.

Anyway, last night I had a dream-cum-nightmare that freaked me right out...

I had a cabbage patch doll (CPD) that was toddler sized (and looked a bit like my niece) and I hated it. I hated it so much I tied it, by the foot, to a helium balloon at launched it off a ladder. It flew along while I ran after it and it eventually landed in the park behind my mum's house. It landed on a beach that was covered in bright green grass and had massive puddles dotted around everywhere. (Here's the freaky bit.) The CPD got up and ran around the grass beach while I watched in horror as I thought it was only a doll. I couldn't climb over the wall because I had no feet to hitch myself over. I watched the doll-cum-kid run around, arms in the air and such, until it fell into a puddle and drowned. I turned to the family that had appeared next to me in hysterics as ultimately I'd caused this and they laughed at me and said it was only a doll. When I looked back, the CPD was sat on the wall, as a doll, full of water and cut grass. When I went to pick it up and take it home, it spoke and said 'The cat is inside, the cat. He will eat the paperwork if you leave his ears alone', and then fell off the wall back into the puddle...

Even weirder, I woke up about now. It was 5.30am and I got out of bed as I badly needed a wee. I walked into the hallway and Darth (my cat) was sat on top of Saturdays post chewing the corner of one of the envelopes.

So ok, I killed a Cabbage Patch Doll and predicted that my cat was going to 'eat the paperwork' in one dream. I didn't touch Darths ears, he looked a bit like he wanted to eat me as well as the envelope. I did drag the post away from him and found that the envelope he was eating was the council tax bill. So I gave that one back to him, I hate looking at council tax bills.

300 Posts - wow!

2007-05-17T10:39:00.000+01:00

My last post was my 300th post. Who knew I had so much to say.

The situation below has gone critical. The person in question has quit. Walked out. Gone. I am sad in a way, but at least that means the incessant sniping can stop. No longer will I have to run away from conversations.

Again I have gut problems. Won't go into detail. Lets just say no one wants to come near me, not even the cat. The cat actually runs away from me. I seriously need to sort this out, I have to work with the public tonight.

Poo is hitting the fan...

2007-05-15T11:40:00.000+01:00

There is a hell of a lot of poo hitting various fans and spreading like evil fingers trying to grab you and suck you in... I am seriously not intrested.

You may well be aware that me and my new hubby live above a pub. D's boss, a very very nice man. kindly lets us live there. Because of this, me & D like to keep our noses out of what could be compromising issues, i.e issues that if we get involved could lose us our home. Don't piss the boss off if know what I mean. Anyway, there is a BIG mother of an issue going on at the mo and I am doing my very best to keep out of it, but everyone and their dog want to talk and bitch and put in their two pennies worth. To me. I'm like, don't involve me, not interested, fingers in ears lalalaLALALA. I've now taken to walking away from people who insist on bitching to me and now I'm being bitched about because I won't join in.

HELLO?!? PEOPLE!! Please stop with the 'oooo LMPP is so ignorant' and 'oooo LMPP has her head up her ass'. I'm well aware of the shite going on, I just don't want to talk about it to you. It's hurting the people involved, know what I mean? Plus, I HAVE TO LIVE THERE! It's ok for you, you get to go home to your non pub houses. I live in a flat that belongs to D's boss. Are you getting it yet??

So, until you get the message, I will be walking around with my fingers wedged firmly in my ears whilst singing erratically out of tune. Maybe you will stop, maybe you won't, but it sure as hell will not be me in the firing line. Got it?

Who said married life is easy? Try being married to an Licencee.

Riiiight.

2007-05-04T10:51:00.000+01:00

Ok, so I work with a bunch of weirdos.

Topics included after work last night:

1. 'How do you reckon a duck wanks with webbed feet?'
2. 'What noise does a duck make while wanking?'
3. 'Sheep make a fantastic noise while doing them up the arse'
4. 'How do you laugh in a Scottish accent?'
5. 'Whats the name of that really annoying kids TV program back in the 90s hosted by kids from Newcastle? It's not By'er Grooove either' (everyone then sang the Byker Grove theme tune for god knows how long).

Impressions included:
D doing his Harry Enfield impression. I married a Harry Enfield lookalike. How come Ididn't see this before?!
'Therrrre's somethingonthewiiing... Some......Thing'. D doing his Jim Carrey impression. How come I didn't know he could Jim Carrey??

I seriously do not know the man I married and I work with a load of strange people. By the way...

1. With its beak apparently.
2. wankwankwankwankwank
3. D's stepdad disagreeing that a duck makes the best sex noise for an animal
4. Och Och Och Och Noo (????? WTF?)
5. After a lot of googling, 'Why Don't You!'

I'm Baaaack!

2007-05-01T15:10:00.000+01:00

Hoorah, i'm back from my not so sunny time away in Spain. It was really sunny for the last 3 days. I'm so not suntanned.

*sulks*

Anyway, until i get a bit of time to yap on about my wedding day and honeymoon, here are some pics for the big day...

Happy Honeymoon

2007-04-20T19:38:00.000+01:00

Here we are, in not so sunny spain, a happily married LMPP.

However, we have had at least 1 day of sunny sunshine, and 4 days of cloud and rain. My suntan hasn´t even started yet.

Anyway, I´m off for some more sangria!!

See you in a week, hopefully burnt.

Pissed up and emotional...

2007-04-02T10:48:00.000+01:00

In addition to LMPP Spider Hell, I was attacked on Friday night by one of our eight legged friends.

I was very, very drunk, the way I reacted was shameful.

It crawled down my cheek, across my neck and landed on my leg before I realised what it was. I then, in slow motion being drunk an' all, watched it scitter across my thigh and onto my knee.

So, me being me, screamed, shot up out of the chair, flung my cardi across the room, legged it over the other side and stood there wailing and whimpering while everyone laughed at me. And so they laughed, until the bastard crawled up another girls arm.

She reacted just like me.

It made me laugh!!

Now I know how pathetic I am.

They like to attack me...

2007-03-28T10:21:00.000+01:00

Well, i still have a faint but noticeable 'injured' written on my right arm. I've resorted to letting it fade away on it's own. If I scrub at my arm anymore, my arm will fade away.

Anyhoo, lets have an installment of LMPP Spider Hell...

Even I must admit, it's been a while since I've been attacked by our faithful 8 legged friend, but good things must come to an end and yesterday, they did just that...

Imagine, sat at your desk in an office devoid of people when out of the corner of your eye you notice movement on the wall and, in that split second before you force yourself to look, you know damn well what it is. And you still look. And then you see it. A muthafucking massive bitch of a spider, waving and winking at you. So, I did what any self respecting young lady would do. I screamed 'Fuuuuck!' at the top of my voice, down the phone to the customer I was speaking to, and ran away. And hid. Luckily for me, my boss had literally just walked through the door and had a heart attack...

Me: Sppiiiiddeerrr, Heeeelllppppppp
Boss: Wha...?
M: *gibbers* Huuuuuuge. HUUUUUGGGGGEEEEEEE!
B: Where?
M: Wall. *tears begin to form*
B: Wher... Oh.
M: *Sobs*

Boss then grabs a ruler and flicks it somewhere in the vicinity of the offending beast. It's at this point, the aforementioned beast falls on the floor. Under my desk.

M: ARRGGGGHHHHHH!! It's on the floor. FLOOR.
B: Fuck.
M: Kill it. Noooooow!!!

Boss is now on his hands and knees. Smaking sounds begin to emminate from under my desk.

B: Why. Won't. You. Die? *smack smack*
M: *sobs some more*
B: *Fudompth*
M: Is it dead yet??
B: Yep.
M: Sure
B: Yep.

I then venture back into my office and pick up the phone to be greeted with laughter.

Customer: OMG that was so funny. You've made my week!
Me: *sarcastically* Thanks.

Spider then crawls back up the wall. It is at this point I refused to go back into the office until physical evidence of dead spider is bought to me. Along with doughnuts to calm my nerves.

Did I get doughnuts? No. Did I get evidence? No. So I'm sat here in anticipation of another spider attack. I know it's here, I can feel it watching me...

And I bought my own doughnuts.

Ow, ow and ow some more...

2007-03-26T15:16:00.000+01:00

I have a massive gash on my elbow, cuts all over my hands and fingers and blisters on my heels.

Why?

Because Friday night was the 1st of my many Hen nights, and to be honest, I think this one's gonna top the lot...

Recap:

* 7.30pm: Met all the girls at the pub for a quick half before wandering into Town to get down to some serious frolicking.
*9.00pm: Still in the pub, decidedly shitfaced from the copious amounts of wine I was fed.
*9.30pm: Finally in town, heading for the nearest Weatherspoons for some cheap beer.
9.40pm: Acosted D's uncle, who happened to be the doorman at Weatherspoons.
9.45pm: Made D's uncle hold my fairy wands and pose for pictures...
9.46pm: Got told to 'Sod Off' by D's uncle.
10.00pm: Headed for the next pub
10.05pm: Found a table...
10.10pm: Found myself being dragged up on stage for an impromtu strip show
10.15pm: Found out the girls had paid £6 to the uglist man in the pub to strip for me.
10.16pm: And that he worked there
10.30pm: DJ insisted that I get the pants from some bloke as a trophy of my night.
10.45pm: Had said pants.
11.00pm: K decided to wear them on her head for a laugh.
11.01pm: Promptly threw them across the dance floor when skid marks were discovered.
11.15pm: Fell over, Hard. when trying some funky dance moves...
11.16pm: Told that said funky dance moves made me look like I was being electrocuted.
11.17pm: Realised that elbow was killing me and decided I'd broken it.
11.18pm: Forgot elbow was killing me and continued with the funky dance moves.
11.30pm: Left pub for food
11.45pm: Told the kebab man to give me 'meat & bread dammit'.
11.50pm: Also told the kebab man to 'get that stinking salad off my meat!! Did I ask for it?? It smells of piss!! Do you use piss as a dressing? They use piss as a dressing!!'
11.51pm: Asked to leave.
11.51pm: Without kebab.
11.52pm: K bought me my meat & bread. Was very happy.
11.59pm: L decided to nick a wheelie bin.
11.59pm: A large skip like wheelie bin
12.00pm: Wedged said wheelie bin in lane. Still there Monday morning.
12.01pm: Got back to pub
12.05pm: Attacked D with fairy wand
1.10pm: Got told that man who stripped for me 'does it all the time for a fiver'! We were robbed!!
8.30am Saturday: Woke to stinking hangover and sore elbow
8.35am: Couldn't understand why elbow was so sore
8.50am: Discovered half my elbow skin had come off
9.00am: Tried to wash off the writing on my arm??
9.01am: Writing will not come off
6.30pm: Still have 'injured' written on my arm in red marker pen.
7.00am Sunday: Still there
9.30pm: Still there
7.30am Monday: Still there albeit faded a little.
Now: Still there although have scrubbed at it with white spirit. Boss keeps threatening to light a match near me.

20 things for the weekend

2007-03-20T14:46:00.000+01:00

1. Friday - got home and proceeded to make D his favourite tea
2. Forgot he didn't like garlic
3. Used copious amounts of it
4. He ate it
5. Then complained for HOURS after that he had belly ache
6. I didn't realise until Sunday evening that I had effectively posioned him
7. Not a good move
8. Woke Saturday morning to a present
9. Left by Darth
10. On my bedroom floor
11. Turned out to be the remainder of the leg of lamb
12. He dragged it from the bin into our bedroom
13. Darth is really a dog, trapped inside a cat
14. D tried to pick it up and dispose
15. Darth attacked him
16. Viciously
17. D now has scars up his right arm
18. And they are no longer friends
19. Now Darth ignores D
20. And attacks me instead.

Sharp Claws

2007-03-15T15:30:00.000+01:00

Ok, so pissing off your cat just after he's sharpened his claws in preperation might not be a good idea.

The state of my left hand proves it.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckkkkkk!

2007-03-13T14:55:00.000+01:00

OK, so today I woke up with a sore throat. It's ok, I thought, It's just one of them early morning 'been snoring all damn night' sore throats. It'll go away in an hour or so.

Oh how wrong I was.

It's raging now. Along with the snotty nose dripping down my poorly throat. I think it's suffice to say that I am on the verge of a stinking MoFoing cold.

*sighs*

I thought taking vitamins religiously was supposed to up your immune system and stop you catching every illness that happens to hit you in the face? Obviously, vitamins don't like me.

I hate colds for the simple fact that:

1. I can't drink fizzy drinks cos my throat hurts too much
2. I HAVE to have a daily fix of Coke or I will die.

Fucking colds.

Whoop-de-doo!!!

2007-03-12T15:35:00.000+01:00

Hoorah!! LMPP is most happy today! The reason...?

A wonderful doobery drug thingy means that I do not, I repeat DO NOT have to take 4 pills a day for evermore to be well!!

However, there is a downside to my happiness... in the form of...

An Enema.

Even the word sounds wrong. Enema... Enemy... Evil...

But hey, it's making me well. So welcome! Evil Enemy Enema, welcome to my bumhole!!

WARNING: Disgusting content follows:

2007-03-09T14:35:00.000+01:00

See this Oh.So.Adorable.Little.Kitty?

See him? Isn't he sweet? Fluffy? Adorable?

Should a kitty of this caliber fart like a goddamn trooper??

Well he does. And OMG, does he fart loud. He even rolls his ass to one side to let rip. And then looks at me in digust.

Even D blames it on me.

Men.

Fanfare...

2007-03-07T14:38:00.000+01:00

Hoorah, I have an official diagnosis to what's been wrong with me the past 3 weeks.

I have... Colitis.

Actually, its not really 'hoorah', more of an 'Oh, right'. See, I've been told that since it's the 3rd flare up since the pneumonia, and since each attack is a little worse than before, then it's most likely going to be a chronic disorder, rather than an acute one.

Chronic meaning lasts forever and ever.

So, meet LMPP. On drugs 4 times a day for life. And with dodgy bowels.

Told you I was ill, didn't believe me did you. You know who you are.

Still here with me...

2007-03-05T14:05:00.000+01:00

Ok, still have an achy belly and a rather leaky backside. (Ewww). It's been 2 weeks and counting.

Thing is, I've got myself into a state about eating. I'm convinced myself that eating = pain and numerous toilet trips. So, I've not been eating well.

I know, most stupid, sort yourself out etc, but I'm finding it tough to want to eat anything. The minute I shove food into my gob, my belly complains.

I'm determined that today, I will eat a meal, and not just corned beef sandwiches. So far, I ate a small lunch with minimal pain.

Now I'm waiting for it to kick in. It's all probably psychological, but it's real enough to me.

I'm such a wuss.

Make up your frigging minds

2007-03-01T15:00:00.002+01:00

Ok, in the last 5 days, i have been diagnosed with...

Food poisoning
Salmonella
Viral Gastroenteritis
Rotavirus
Bacterial Gastroenteritis
Stomach Infection
Flu.

For pity sake, just give me the damn drugs that will cure me goddammit!

It's been an absolute age...

2007-02-22T14:25:00.000+01:00

...since I've discussed any ailment I may be experiencing on my blog. This would be due to the fact that, shock horror, I've been quite healthy since the bout of tonsillitis that put me in hospital back in October.

Anyway, the buck stops here.

I have a tummy ache. Not just any tummy ache, but one that requires me to be back & forth to the loo day and night. Do you realise what this means? No? It means that since Monday, I HAVE HAD NO GODDAMN SLEEP!
Everytime I drop off, my belly decides that this must be the time it cranks up the pain which has me running for the loo and, since I'm deprived of any kind of rest, this means that my mood is on a par with Satan when someone decides to chuck a vat of holy water at him.

Don't get it? It means when you see me coming, run away very fast or I may be forced to rip your throat out with my fingers because hey, doing that may cheer me up for 5 minutes.

My mood, of course, was made a billion times worse when the doctors automated 'can't be bothered to speak to you' system told me that 'the next available appointment is at 8.30am on Monday the 5th of March'. What the Fuck?!!? Goddammit I would have shat out my body weight and a small dog twice over by then.

This means I now have to wait until midnight, when all the cancellations are released, to attempt to get an appointment for tomorrow, which means that if I manage to fall asleep for the first time in 4 days, I'll have to wake up to call the motherfuckinggoddamn surgery. This, my lovely petalpoops, will not bode well for my mood.

Pray for D. He will so get the brunt of it.

What's This...?

2007-02-20T14:26:00.000+01:00

This is the NOBBER that decided to cut me up this morning on my way to work.

On a roundabout.

A very busy roundabout.

And it forced me to almost take the wing off a Toyota Yaris. No loss there then.

Jesus Wept. I frigging well HATE nobs who drive like F1 drivers on a public highway. Look at it? Have you ever seen such a pointless pick up truck? You wouldn't want to load it with anything, it's way too pretty for that. You'll have to wrap everything in bubble wrap so you wouldn't scratch the bodywork for a start.

Sooo pissed right now!

Performance & Thrust

2007-02-19T14:31:00.000+01:00

Sat here during a lull at work, I was just mulling over the idea of registering me & D and some friends over at the Top Gear website to go and be in the audience when my filthy, dirty mind took over and forced me to think about what it would be like to bed the three Gods who present it.

Whilst struggling to erase this from my thoughts and actually get on with some work, it struck me.

It would, quite rightly, be pants. Extremely hilarious, but pants.

Because, instead of getting down to business and taking me to Heaven, they would probably stand there and argue about who had the most amount of thrust, which one was the best performer and, of course, who had the bigger, ehem.

Doesn't stop me from daydreaming though...

10 years without a misdemeanour...

2007-02-19T12:16:00.000+01:00

...and then it happens.

I get caught speeding... in a Nissan Micra.

I wouldn't mind, but speeding? In a 1000cc Nissan Micra? I must have been going downhill.

So there you have it. £60 fine and 3 points. A first for me, I was quite proud of having a clean driving licence, but, as this is my first within 10 years of driving. I'm not going to fret over it, just pay the fine, humbly accept my points, and hope that next time I'm caught, I'm in my superfast supercar so that when the people at the camera processing unit process my speeding fine, tittering about how my superslow supershed is actually faster than the speed limit, I can be the one laughing instead.

Boooooooring!

2007-02-16T12:26:00.000+01:00

Good grief was last night ever dire. I have to say, I was completely bored. It was quiet, and Shels was off sick so yes, what a pants night.

Anyways - on a brighter note...

Looooooook....

Mazda RX-8 mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

This will be my new car once I've saved my ass off for it. I should have enough money within 12 months... (for a 2 year old one, I'm not that flush!) and it has backseats so D, you can stop complaining now! We all know what you want the backseats for ;)

I did offer my Nobby Nissan to D once he passes his test. Obviously I was laughed at. There is absolutely nothing wrong with ol' Nobby. Just that he is a 1000cc engine. Can't get above 70mph and thats a struggle to get to as well. And he's, well, less endowed than a VW Golf that D aspires to. But he's young (02 reg) and free and drives lovely if you like the sound of hairdryers.

Err - Duh!

2007-02-15T16:15:00.000+01:00

So I watched Top Gear again last night. I just looove that program. This week they were farting around America in their $1000 cars, arguing about peeling squirrels and pissing off the Alabamamians, sabotaging James' car and generally arsing about. Jeremy Clarkson is, quite rightly, a GOD!

I have to say, it made me laugh out loud. And it made me realise how damn gorgeous that Richard Hammond really is.

*yuuummm Richard Hammmmmmond*

Top Gear will never be the same for me again.

Although, don't tell D. He may get jealous. Or laugh at me. Or murder me and bury my body. Or feed me to the cat. The cat would be HUGE if he did that.

Sodding work tonight. Goddammit. I want to be On. The. Sofa, with a big, ice cold cat mug of coke, and a chicken rogan josh. With onion bhajis. And poppadoms. And mango chutney. And onion salad.

*drools*

Ok, enough. I'm now ravenous. Great, I've made my tummy eat itself. Arrgghhh!!!

Did you know - it's only 8 weeks until I become Mrs. Mead? 8 weeks!!! I am so excited, and shit scared at the same time. I mean, I'm going to be so sad when I lose my last name but, chuffed to fuck about my married name. Or, I could double-barrell it, but I really don't think 'Hill-Mead' or 'Mead-Hill' sounds good. In fact, it sounds crap. And, my dad seems a little too excited about 'giving me away'. Maybe he really does want to give me away so I stop spending all his money on weddingy things. Maybe he secretly hopes that by giving me away, I'll spend all D's money, but I do that anyway so it's a bit pointless.

Anyway, best do some work since I am actually at work. Email's finally fixed since the Sooper Dooper Pooter Fixer was gazumpted by the terminator style virus checker that kept coming back from the dead. But, Sooper Dooper Pooter Fixter won and all is well with the world again.

Emails piss me off.

2007-02-14T17:29:00.000+01:00

I am so sick of emails. This is like the 2nd time in 3 weeks my email at work has decided to Fuck Up royally, and this time, I didn't even realise until someone rang me whinging that I hadn't sent them any emails when I so did.

So, I did what I normally do. Spat at my screen and called our sooper dooper pooter fixer.

And fix my pooter he did, so all is well in LMPP land again. Almost. I still had to resend all the damn emails that didn't reach their destination the first time.

LMPP + Email + Pooters = HATE!!!

Well, that lasted long didn't it?!

2007-02-10T20:59:00.000+01:00

Ok, no more snow. I woke today to bright sunshine. Freezing Your Tits Off weather, but bright sunshine. Until about 1.00pm and then it went incredibly grey, and then it pissed down. And I mean P.I.S.S.E.D down.

*sulks*

Bogie 'oop north', well, Kent, but it's 'oop north' to me, had 3 inches of the stuff. It's so not fair.

I went for a corset fitting earlier in preparation for my wedding. God, what on earth made me want a corset? I couldn't breathe and that was for 5 minutes. If I faint on the day, don't worry, it's just me corset cutting off air supply to my lungs. I'll be fine!!

Never Eat Yellow Snow

2007-02-09T15:00:00.000+01:00

Still waiting for the hugemongus snowfall that i've been hearing about. The newspapers are full of 'oooo so and so land had 7 inches of snow yesterday blah blah blah'

Well whoopeefuckingdoo for them.

The last time we had massive amounts of snow was when I was at school. They shut the school for the day because hey, us Britons panic like fuck when it snows, everything must grind to a halt or the world will explode. Anyway, me and my mate, Z, were lobbing snowballs at each other down Southey Park when another 'friend' and her mum came over to us. I say 'friend' because really we couldn't stand her. The bitch did me for detention once at school because she accused me of pulling down her knee high socks. She used to absolutely love wearing knee high, spanky white socks to school. At the age of 15. When that was just sooo not cool! It was the nineties i'll have you know! Anyway, some of the girls in our class, the bitchy ones, decided that it would be hilarious to pull her socks down. So they did, and she blamed me. Hence why I couldn't stand her. She's married now with a beautiful baby girl, fuck knows how she managed to produce one so gorgeous but there you go.

So, her and her mum came over to us and started harping on about the state of Britain and how schools were closing everywhere blahdy blah, when Z's dog took a fancy to our 'friends' mums shopping bag and cocked his leg against it. Me and Z were On. The. Floor. and they never did quite work out what was so funny, so they stomped off in a huff.

C'mon sky, open your bowels for me!

In other news, Anna Nicole Smith is dead. Someone once said to me a while ago 'She'll end up like that Lolo Ferrari if she isn't careful' Scary.

What F'ing snow?

2007-02-08T14:44:00.000+01:00

Here in happy Bristol we were supposed to be receiving 15cms of snow. It's been such a long time since i've seen that amount of snow around here so understandably i became so excited at the prospect of snowball fights and snowman creating that i almost wet my pants. I'm 28 years old by the way, it's been a long time.

Anyway, i woke up this morning and bounded to the window, knocking D out of the way and trampling over the cat, to be greeted at the window with the sight of... a fine dusting of white stuff. No 15cms, just 'a light dusting' of very fine snow. It didn't even make the grass disappear.

godDAMMIT!!

The Do As We Tell You Or You Will All Go To Hell post

2007-01-18T15:57:00.000+01:00

My. God. As i have mentioned before (many, many times), it is not physically possible to do our job when the wind is howling round at 90mph.

After numerous, Pissy As Hell, emails from people regarding the fact that they cannot get the work done, i sent the following email to all our branches:

Since the weather has decided to turn evil on us, I am expecting, yet again, an inundation of put backs/stick backs/sites down/world has ended urgent Must Be Done Now or We Will All Go to Hell requests. Can we please ensure that we have some men milling around to be able to complete these, or at least men that are expecting to be called off their nice warm sofas to go out and save our souls.

Now, i found this quite amusing. I thought, and rightly so, that i was trying to lighten a bad situation with a little humour.

Oh No.

I offended, i mean O.F.F.E.N.D.E.D a couple of branches. They said i was calling them lazy?!??

For. Fucks. Sake. Can't i even inject humour into my working day without some arrogant bastard whinging that i'm calling them lazy?? Obviously not.

Tomorrow, i will come into work, dressed in black, and grieve for the death of Coming To Work And Having Some Fun, and curse who ever it was that took on Coming To Work And Kill Yourself as their replacement.

Goddammit!

Manners cost nothing

2007-01-15T14:22:00.000+01:00

You know what? It doesn't cost the earth to have a little grace when speaking to someone that annoys you and that you have to put up with as you work with them 3 times a week.

Let me give you a little background on me...

I'm not the most smiley person in the world, and i can come across to people that don't know me as offhandish and miserable. Just so you know, it's called shyness. I'm not a great conversationalist as you probably have worked out by reading this here blog. I don't make small talk to fill a silence as previous experience made me realise how stupid i sound and if anyone tells me to 'cheer up' or 'smile', it really pisses me off.

Just because i ain't smiling, doesn't mean i'm not happy.

I don't laugh out loud at funny TV programs. I rarely laugh out loud at funny jokes. I'm quiet with people who aren't my friends and i'm quiet with people who i've just met. I work in a pub. I smile at every customer i serve, whether i want to or not and i'm polite, watching my Ps and Qs.

Everyone who knows me knows how i am.

What i don't like, is when newbies start at work and instantly dislike me because i'm 'offhand' with them. Actually, no, that doesn't piss me off. What really upsets me is when the said newbie bitches, behind my back, about me to people i have built great friendships with. They are the ones who put these newbies straight about me. But when the newbie bitches to other newbies about me, it stops working in the pub being any fun as they don't listen to my friends, or find out for themselves what i'm really like.

I feel awkward about going to work now. I feel myself going red as i walk in and see new staff talking behind their hands as i walk by. I feel i'm clumsy, stupid and out of place. I don't have fun quite so often at work anymore. I can't wait to leave and go home.

I was told today that i think i'm above the other girls because i'm about to marry the bar manager. I didn't think i was like that. In fact, i don't clambor for extra shifts, even if i really need the money so they don't think i'm using D as a spring board. I get just as much shit from the landlord as they all do, i also get D's shit because i'm his girfriend and his sounding board.

I'm not going to quit, i'm not a quitter. And as for 'manners cost nothing'? Make your own mind up. This is how the end of shift conversation went yesterday...

Me: 'Have you recorded the wastage yet?'
Newbie: 'Eh?'
M: 'It's ok, i'll have a look and fill it in'
N: 'Stop trying to take over, you always think you're better than everyone else. I'll do the wastage, i was doing it anyway'
M: 'Ok, whatever'
later on:
N: 'Move'
M: 'Sorry?'
N: 'I said move'
M: 'Why?'
N: 'Just move'
M: 'Fine'

I moved, only to be barged anyway.

I had a glass explode in my face yesterday. I spent 20 minutes picking the glass out of my hair. I suppose i was lucky that i didn't damage my eyes. It shocked me so much i spent the next half hour crying. Good job really as slivers of glass were in my tears. If i had rubbed my eyes i certainly would of damaged them. My bosses mum made me wash my eyes with that eyebath stuff. I hate that stuff, makes my eyes sting. I had a bath when i got home, and spent a while de lousing the glass off me. I still feel a bit gritty today.

My it's windy here

2007-01-11T16:20:00.000+01:00

50 to 70mph winds they have predicted here this week. How on earth can people expect us to put posters up in this kind of wind is beyond me.

I've had so many complaints in work because of the weather that it's now Thursday and i still haven't managed to do my own job. Just wading through a sea of fault reports really floats my boat you know?!

On better news, Darth comes home tomorrow. It's been 4 months since he's lived with us. But now we are all decorated and up together so it's safe for my boy to come home to where he belongs. Just have to make sure he doesn't escape into the Pub downstairs and lap up all the spillages. Don't want a pissed pussy!

Wedding news: I have to sort out my invites soon to send out in the 1st week of February and no later. Have to find out everyones addresses first, that's proving to be a mammoth task. I've sorted my cake and D still needs to sort the suits. Until then, i will not rest.

Ok, back to work now, i've skived long enough!

it's all going to hell

2007-01-08T17:25:00.000+01:00

96 days.
14 weeks
3 monthish to my wedding.

And it's all going a bit manic.

I bought my Wedding ring on Saturday as the original one i bought doesn't fit and not one Jeweller in the whole damn world (ok, town) can resize it. So, i bought the cheapest one they had in white gold and that was £105! Unfortunately, cos is all new and shiny it made my Engagement ring look a bit sad, so i've sent that off to be redipped and now i feel all naked and stuff.

Invites, i hope, are going ok. Really, it's just the suits that need organising and that'll be it. Apart from the cake. Still have to make the cake.

My friend is getting married in July and she'll be squeezing me into a frock with many a frill about it. Ruby Red it'll be. At least i think i suit red.

God, i'm so excited now. Imagine what i'll be like a week before!!

Wow!!

2007-01-02T16:36:00.000+01:00

I'm getting married this year! In less than 4 months.

Now the panic is really setting in...

Happy New Year everyone!! Did you all get lots of nice pressies for Crimbo? I managed to get loads, more than D!!

Work is horrendous at the mo, once the PC is set up back at home i should have more time to blog. Until then, it's gonna be dribs and drabs...

Goddamn Fridge Freezer!

2006-12-08T12:09:00.000+01:00

Ok, so last night i delved into the freezer to find something nice for tea and came out with a pizza. The pizza was floppy. It's supposed to be solid, coming out of a freezer an' all. So i checked the rest of my food and it seems that my freezer decided that it was jealous of all the kitchen cupboards not doing much to store food, and decided that it also wanted to be a kitchen cupboard, and therefore stopped freezing.

Comet has sold me a glorified, metallic, kitchen cupboard, complete with a light when you open the door. With a motor that doesn't work.

So i put it on full whack to see if that would make it freeze.

No.

It wailed like a dying cat, but 10 times louder and still didn't freeze. I would like to point out that my freezer is only 2 bloody months old. 2 goddamn months, yet Comet can't send me an engineer till Tuesday. Yep, you heard me, frigging Tuesday.

So that's a whole weekend with no Fridge Freezer. It's destroyed all my food, i have soggy veg and gone off milk. I swear Comet hate me. They sabotaged it before they sent me it cos of the complete balls up they made of delivering it.

Fuck.

Random baby stuff

2006-12-07T14:49:00.000+01:00

Tart had her baby yesterday. She squeezed out an 8 and a half pound whopper!!

Its a girl, she's called Lucie & she's a beauty! Mum & babes are doing well, although poor Tart is now stuck in hospital after losing a lot of blood. Poor girl wants to go home and start playing mummy to her lovely new girlie.

So Yay to Tart & her Northern Monkey. Yay to Tarts little boy who now has a sister to bully and beat up, err, sorry, love and play with, and a special big YAY to Tart who managed to squeeze her out and still have the energy to call me and laugh down the phone! You go girl!!

Sunday Drivers

2006-11-28T17:04:00.000+01:00

This morning, while i was massively late for work, i got stuck behind a right old doddery sunday driver.

15 mph was his speed of choice. In a Clarkes pie van.

If i was quick enough, i would of got out of my car, nicked all his pies, and continued my way to work.

mmm pies.

Roooaaararrrrarararr!!!

2006-11-22T16:22:00.000+01:00

Freeeeeeeeezing

2006-11-10T12:39:00.000+01:00

My god. When did it suddenly get so damn cold? We have no heating where we live cos the renavations are in full swing downstairs, and our boiler has to be replaced so i can literally sit up in bed and see my breath, in the dark.

The office isn't too bad. Apart from first thing when i have to freeze for an hour until the heater kicks in.

Tart is due to drop in the next 4 weeks or so. Thank god i won't have to sit here listening to her crunch ice continually all day. Seriously, it drives me mad. Suck the ice woman!!!

We're so goood

2006-11-08T15:36:00.000+01:00

I'm so chuffed, we came 3rd in the quiz last night at the pub!!

Ok, so there were only 4 teams, at least we weren't bottom.

My branch manager has entrusted me to book our staff christmas do. I did what any faithful employee would do and delegated it to Tart. Tart is not best pleased about this as she is most likely to be giving birth the day of the party. As long as she doesn't give birth at the party then great. Hoorah to Tart, giver of life.

My friend Mike has been in hospital with heart problems. He's only 34 so it is really scary. Apparently he has an infection in the liquid that surrounds the heart, and it's causing his heart to not pump the blood properly. He's so fit and healthy though, it's frightening really, he's only 6 years older than me... Anyway, he's out of hospital now and looks so skinny. I'm really worried about him to be honest...

Where's the time gone??

2006-11-06T11:35:00.000+01:00

It's November already. God, i'll blink and before i know it i'll be 90 and blind.

It's almost xmas fer shits sake. I really have to start my xmas shopping!!

The NBM never came back. Us veterns really scared her off. We had a good giggle about it. We are really cruel you know?!

Well, the pub bosses are off on their biyearly hols. That means 2 weeks of complete havoc. That also means i'll be sweating my ass off non stop until they return.

What fun.

This is such a boring post. I promise i'll post a more interesting one later, but for now, gotta go.

Just wanted you all to know i'm still here...

*waves*

Fun and frolicks

2006-10-27T15:41:00.000+01:00

Well, the new barmaid at work isn't making a return. She felt intimidated by us other bar staff. I mean, c'mon. We aren't intimidating, we just get a bit over friendly with each other. No, not like that, it's a standing joke where we work that i have the biggest boobs while the grand majority of the staff have little ones, and because of this, two of my closest friends that also work with me prod them for time to time as if to say, 'Oi bitch, get your tits out of the way' or 'c'mon, share the wealth'.

Throw in D who also likes to grab them at any given opportunity and i suppose i spend my nights being groped.

New barmaid (NBM) didn't quite approve of this. She left that night looking quite scared and hasn't been back yet... but heyho, plenty more flesh out there. It wasn't like we were grabbing her boobs now was it??

It's our halloween party on Saturday night and i still haven't decided what i'm going as. Whatever it is, i have to be able to serve beer and have some feet left at the end of my shift so please don't make me wear heels!! I thought about an evil fairy, or a witch. Or maybe a cat, but they are crap ideas personally so i dunno. I'll probably wear a bin bag and pretend i'm something that no one can recongise...

Anyway, tonight i plan to drink wine and eat indian and chat about bollocks to D's mum. I'm so looking forward to this...

Bzzzz

2006-10-25T14:53:00.000+01:00

It's dentist time again.

Boohoo.

Not only that, i had garlic for lunch cos i forgot about the dentist this afternoon. The dentist will be sooo chuffed with me!!

So think of me in around 2 hours, when the evil cow will decide that i must have a scale and polish.

I'd rather have my hand chopped off...