They like to attack me...

Well, i still have a faint but noticeable 'injured' written on my right arm. I've resorted to letting it fade away on it's own. If I scrub at my arm anymore, my arm will fade away.

Anyhoo, lets have an installment of LMPP Spider Hell...

Even I must admit, it's been a while since I've been attacked by our faithful 8 legged friend, but good things must come to an end and yesterday, they did just that...

Imagine, sat at your desk in an office devoid of people when out of the corner of your eye you notice movement on the wall and, in that split second before you force yourself to look, you know damn well what it is. And you still look. And then you see it. A muthafucking massive bitch of a spider, waving and winking at you. So, I did what any self respecting young lady would do. I screamed 'Fuuuuck!' at the top of my voice, down the phone to the customer I was speaking to, and ran away. And hid. Luckily for me, my boss had literally just walked through the door and had a heart attack...

Me: Sppiiiiddeerrr, Heeeelllppppppp
Boss: Wha...?
M: *gibbers* Huuuuuuge. HUUUUUGGGGGEEEEEEE!
B: Where?
M: Wall. *tears begin to form*
B: Wher... Oh.
M: *Sobs*

Boss then grabs a ruler and flicks it somewhere in the vicinity of the offending beast. It's at this point, the aforementioned beast falls on the floor. Under my desk.

M: ARRGGGGHHHHHH!! It's on the floor. FLOOR.
B: Fuck.
M: Kill it. Noooooow!!!

Boss is now on his hands and knees. Smaking sounds begin to emminate from under my desk.

B: Why. Won't. You. Die? *smack smack*
M: *sobs some more*
B: *Fudompth*
M: Is it dead yet??
B: Yep.
M: Sure
B: Yep.

I then venture back into my office and pick up the phone to be greeted with laughter.

Customer: OMG that was so funny. You've made my week!
Me: *sarcastically* Thanks.

Spider then crawls back up the wall. It is at this point I refused to go back into the office until physical evidence of dead spider is bought to me. Along with doughnuts to calm my nerves.

Did I get doughnuts? No. Did I get evidence? No. So I'm sat here in anticipation of another spider attack. I know it's here, I can feel it watching me...

And I bought my own doughnuts.

Ow, ow and ow some more...

I have a massive gash on my elbow, cuts all over my hands and fingers and blisters on my heels.

Why?

Because Friday night was the 1st of my many Hen nights, and to be honest, I think this one's gonna top the lot...

Recap:

* 7.30pm: Met all the girls at the pub for a quick half before wandering into Town to get down to some serious frolicking.
*9.00pm: Still in the pub, decidedly shitfaced from the copious amounts of wine I was fed.
*9.30pm: Finally in town, heading for the nearest Weatherspoons for some cheap beer.
9.40pm: Acosted D's uncle, who happened to be the doorman at Weatherspoons.
9.45pm: Made D's uncle hold my fairy wands and pose for pictures...
9.46pm: Got told to 'Sod Off' by D's uncle.
10.00pm: Headed for the next pub
10.05pm: Found a table...
10.10pm: Found myself being dragged up on stage for an impromtu strip show
10.15pm: Found out the girls had paid £6 to the uglist man in the pub to strip for me.
10.16pm: And that he worked there
10.30pm: DJ insisted that I get the pants from some bloke as a trophy of my night.
10.45pm: Had said pants.
11.00pm: K decided to wear them on her head for a laugh.
11.01pm: Promptly threw them across the dance floor when skid marks were discovered.
11.15pm: Fell over, Hard. when trying some funky dance moves...
11.16pm: Told that said funky dance moves made me look like I was being electrocuted.
11.17pm: Realised that elbow was killing me and decided I'd broken it.
11.18pm: Forgot elbow was killing me and continued with the funky dance moves.
11.30pm: Left pub for food
11.45pm: Told the kebab man to give me 'meat & bread dammit'.
11.50pm: Also told the kebab man to 'get that stinking salad off my meat!! Did I ask for it?? It smells of piss!! Do you use piss as a dressing? They use piss as a dressing!!'
11.51pm: Asked to leave.
11.51pm: Without kebab.
11.52pm: K bought me my meat & bread. Was very happy.
11.59pm: L decided to nick a wheelie bin.
11.59pm: A large skip like wheelie bin
12.00pm: Wedged said wheelie bin in lane. Still there Monday morning.
12.01pm: Got back to pub
12.05pm: Attacked D with fairy wand
1.10pm: Got told that man who stripped for me 'does it all the time for a fiver'! We were robbed!!
8.30am Saturday: Woke to stinking hangover and sore elbow
8.35am: Couldn't understand why elbow was so sore
8.50am: Discovered half my elbow skin had come off
9.00am: Tried to wash off the writing on my arm??
9.01am: Writing will not come off
6.30pm: Still have 'injured' written on my arm in red marker pen.
7.00am Sunday: Still there
9.30pm: Still there
7.30am Monday: Still there albeit faded a little.
Now: Still there although have scrubbed at it with white spirit. Boss keeps threatening to light a match near me.

20 things for the weekend

1. Friday - got home and proceeded to make D his favourite tea
2. Forgot he didn't like garlic
3. Used copious amounts of it
4. He ate it
5. Then complained for HOURS after that he had belly ache
6. I didn't realise until Sunday evening that I had effectively posioned him
7. Not a good move
8. Woke Saturday morning to a present
9. Left by Darth
10. On my bedroom floor
11. Turned out to be the remainder of the leg of lamb
12. He dragged it from the bin into our bedroom
13. Darth is really a dog, trapped inside a cat
14. D tried to pick it up and dispose
15. Darth attacked him
16. Viciously
17. D now has scars up his right arm
18. And they are no longer friends
19. Now Darth ignores D
20. And attacks me instead.

Sharp Claws

Ok, so pissing off your cat just after he's sharpened his claws in preperation might not be a good idea.

The state of my left hand proves it.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckkkkkk!

OK, so today I woke up with a sore throat. It's ok, I thought, It's just one of them early morning 'been snoring all damn night' sore throats. It'll go away in an hour or so.

Oh how wrong I was.

It's raging now. Along with the snotty nose dripping down my poorly throat. I think it's suffice to say that I am on the verge of a stinking MoFoing cold.

*sighs*

I thought taking vitamins religiously was supposed to up your immune system and stop you catching every illness that happens to hit you in the face? Obviously, vitamins don't like me.

I hate colds for the simple fact that:

1. I can't drink fizzy drinks cos my throat hurts too much
2. I HAVE to have a daily fix of Coke or I will die.

Fucking colds.

Whoop-de-doo!!!

Hoorah!! LMPP is most happy today! The reason...?

A wonderful doobery drug thingy means that I do not, I repeat DO NOT have to take 4 pills a day for evermore to be well!!

However, there is a downside to my happiness... in the form of...

An Enema.

Even the word sounds wrong. Enema... Enemy... Evil...

But hey, it's making me well. So welcome! Evil Enemy Enema, welcome to my bumhole!!

WARNING: Disgusting content follows:

See this Oh.So.Adorable.Little.Kitty?



See him? Isn't he sweet? Fluffy? Adorable?

Should a kitty of this caliber fart like a goddamn trooper??

Well he does. And OMG, does he fart loud. He even rolls his ass to one side to let rip. And then looks at me in digust.

Even D blames it on me.

Men.

Fanfare...

Hoorah, I have an official diagnosis to what's been wrong with me the past 3 weeks.

I have... Colitis.

Actually, its not really 'hoorah', more of an 'Oh, right'. See, I've been told that since it's the 3rd flare up since the pneumonia, and since each attack is a little worse than before, then it's most likely going to be a chronic disorder, rather than an acute one.

Chronic meaning lasts forever and ever.

So, meet LMPP. On drugs 4 times a day for life. And with dodgy bowels.

Told you I was ill, didn't believe me did you. You know who you are.

Still here with me...

Ok, still have an achy belly and a rather leaky backside. (Ewww). It's been 2 weeks and counting.

Thing is, I've got myself into a state about eating. I'm convinced myself that eating = pain and numerous toilet trips. So, I've not been eating well.

I know, most stupid, sort yourself out etc, but I'm finding it tough to want to eat anything. The minute I shove food into my gob, my belly complains.

I'm determined that today, I will eat a meal, and not just corned beef sandwiches. So far, I ate a small lunch with minimal pain.

Now I'm waiting for it to kick in. It's all probably psychological, but it's real enough to me.

I'm such a wuss.

Make up your frigging minds

Ok, in the last 5 days, i have been diagnosed with...

Food poisoning
Salmonella
Viral Gastroenteritis
Rotavirus
Bacterial Gastroenteritis
Stomach Infection
Flu.

For pity sake, just give me the damn drugs that will cure me goddammit!