I love a list me...

...and this one is no exception!! I got it from good ol' chicken little and i thought i'd jump on the bandwagon and divulge a little bit more about moi...

1. Legal First name? Kathryn. Call me that am i'll disown you.
2. Were you named after anyone? No.
3. Do you wish on stars? Sometimes if i really really want something
4. When did you last cry? Last night cos my nose hurt too much
5. What is your favorite lunch meat? Chicken Tikka
6. What is your birth date? July 25th
7. Whats your most embarrassing CD? London Boys - very 80's
8. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? Yeah!! I'm lovely
9. Do you use sarcasm a lot? No, I don't get sarcasm. Nor do i realise when someone is being sarcastic to me!
10. What are your nicknames? KTWonderbra, Katie
11. Would you bungee jump? Hahahahahahaha
12. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? No, my shoes have zips and stuff. I don't do laces
13. Do you think that you are strong? Sometimes
14. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Chocolate
15. Shoe Size? 7
16. Red or pink? Red
17. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? My insecurity
18. Who do you miss most? My Grandad. I never got to say goodbye
19. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? Black with hot pink stripes trakkie bottoms and white & green trainer things
20. What are you listening to right now? The sound of office silence
21. What did you eat for breakfast? Banana
22. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Purple. I loooove purple
23. What is the weather like right now? Drizzily, cold and grey
24. Last person you talked to on the phone? A customer. I dislike them.
25.The first things you notice about the opposite sex? Their shoes
26. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Chicken Little, you are a star!!
27. Favorite Drink? Full fat Coca Cola!!
28. Hair Color? Med Brown soon to be chocolate brown
29. Do you wear contacts? Nope
30. Favorite Food? Roast Lamb
31. Last Movie You Watched? Must Love Dogs
32. Favorite Day Of The Year? Christmas Day!! Pressies!!!!
33. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? Scary movies
34. Summer Or Winter? Summer
35. Hugs OR Kisses? hugs
36. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? Banana Split
37. Living Arrangements? With my future hubby and the cat known as Darth
38. What Books Are You Reading? The School Run by Sophie King
39. What's On Your Mouse Pad? Mr Bump of Mr Men fame
40.What Did You Watch Last night on TV? Something about 9/11. Pulls my heartstrings everytime
41. Favorite Smells? Roast roasting and Creosoate
42. Favorite junk food? Indian takeaway
43. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles
44. What's the farthest you've been from home? Florida

There you have it! It's all about me. I would like to know more about my friends from The Wicked Truth and Sarah!! Go on, you know you want to...

Mmmmmm

I've noticed that two bloggers seem to love my vocabulary of english slang. So, this post is for you!

My vocabulary comes from my delightful dad. My dad is wonderous and when i was young he used to tell me off with an awary of words that i understood completely. However, when i got older and found myself repeating these words to people that had generally pissed me off, i was met with blank expressions and scratched heads. Yes, my dad has his own language that he taught me & my bro at a young age. I can speak dad.

Here are some examples with their meanings...

'I don't give two hoots...' This is to be shouted while red in the face with steam emerging from both ears. In english, it means 'I don't give a flying fuck...' 'I don't give two hoots if you want an ice cream, fuck off'

'Cor Blige' This is to be use when seeing something amazing, hearing a bit of gossip that amazes you or seeing something you really like. In english, it means 'Fuck me.' 'Cor Blige, look at the tits on that'

'Silly Blind Spakhead' This is to be laughed out when someone does something stupid. In english, it means 'Stupid person'. 'Look at that silly blind spakhead, he's just fallen down a manhole.'

There you go, try using some of these in your daily conversation and receive the looks from people that basically mean 'what the fuck is that twat on about' I get them all the time!

You can now speak 'Dad'. Well done!

*grumblemumbe*

LMPP is a grumpy LMPP as she has the beginnings of a mammoth cold. I have these symptoms...

Sore throat *gags*
Cough that rips sore throat to pieces
Golf ball up nose
Headaches
Eye aches
Shivers
Achy arms
Lack of desire to talk shit

Fortunately, the snots haven't started yet, hence the golf ball. But they will soon and only then can i reveal my true identity... The Snot Monster, Princess LMPP of Snotworld. I snot on you all!

Note that i am in work. I am insane.

Ok then

I may be going completely bonkers, but someone definitely shushed my cat last night and it wasn't me.

It wasn't D. D was at work.
It wasn't the telly. It was switched off.
It wasn't the radio. I don't own one.
It wasn't the wind. All the windows and doors were shut.
It wasn't the cat. He was miaowing.

In fact it went something like this...

cat - miaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaoooooooo (insert freakaly loud SHHHHH here) wwwww.

Now, i'm not usually scared of unexplained noises if they are on the telly, but in my house... ooohnoooo LMPP runs away. Fast. Which i did, into the pub and hid behind D incase the nasty ghostie followed. I then made D go home and check all the rooms before i went to bed.

I am, indeed, such a wuss!

Sunday Sunday

My weekend was pretty uneventful. I had a really nice day in on Saturday. (i don't get many of them). I cleaned my house and watch loads of shite tv. It was, in my opinion, a really relaxing 'do what LMPP wants to do' day.

Then came Sunday.

Sunday - I was attacked and beaten. I've been left with bruises, scratches and severe mental distress.

I was attacked... by a baby!

Yes, this cute little 18 month old lobbed a skittle ball at my head and fuck me, they are heavy bastards. He then jabbed me in the throat ninja style, completly erasing my ability to speak. And whilst i was down, he kicked me in the belly. I was a wreck.

His grampy came along to find me, his bar staff, on the floor, choking and spluttering, and the baby laughing his arse off, skittle ball in hand, ready to finish me off!!

Grampy - 'Have you said sorry to her hmmm??'
Baby - 'nah' *giggles and spits*
G - 'why not?'
B - 'Funny' *squeals with delight*

Baby then lobs skittle ball that narrowly misses my face.

I am, completely traumatised.

C'mon... feel the lurvvvvve!!!

Yay, yay and more delightful YAYS!!!!!!! My favourist blogger Mister Hand has declared his much love for my blog!! I feel the love mister hand!! You can also catch him on The Yam Sham and Piratemonkeyzombies. Now, i know at times my blog can be a bit bland, but at least i now have the knowledge that at least 1 person out there loves me!!!

So yippee to Mister Hand!! And i will be back later to blog about more random stuff!!

Revenge of the orange

Ok, the orange has finally had it's revenge. Whilst emptying the office bin, me and tart found orange peel literally stuck to the bottom of the bin with mould. Ewwwwwww!!! I tried to deny all knowledge but as i have a mound of the bastards on my desk it's was quite obvious that i'm a big fat fucking liar!

Fuck Fuckity Fuck Fuck Fuck.

Yes, she made me clean out the bottom of the bin using a plastic knife. Bitch!! I heaved and vowed never to eat oranges again. Ever!!!

Am now grossed out. Want to sleep off the horror of mouldy orange peel.

I was going to rant about a certain shite fast food 'resturant' that i won't name. *Ehem Mcpoo* However, as my sausage thing was lush, i'm not! (Sorry boss, get a blog and rant about your own shite breakfast! Mwahhhhhhhahahahahahahahahahahaha)

Not much...

...to blog about as i have been hugely busy in work. However, Mister Hand, you are half right about the 'birk' thing. When i have a bit more time i'll divulge more...

WTF???

"if tescos sold you a tin of beans, you would have to pay whatever their mark up is. They would'nt sell you the beans at the price they bought them for. they have to make a profit somehow..."

Jesus wept, this is what i had to listen to this morning. The actual conversation was about a gargage supplying me with receipts for parts they had bought to fix a van, and the charging me £205 on top of the cost for the parts. (the labour charge was listed separately so i know they have added their mark up onto the parts.) Now, if i was a garage and i had to provide receipts, i would black out what i paid for those parts. I now have an invoice and receipts that don't tally, an irate boss who doesn't want to pay the mark up now he knows how much the parts were, and a pissy garage owner. I'm quite happy to pay what he want's, i just want it listing on the invoice what the extra £205 is for. But he won't. Cos hes a twat!

Oh, and my reply to the 'tescos' theory... I wouldn't expect Tescos to give me a receipt with the price they paid, and then charge me 15% more. If they did, then they are fucking stupid! Oh, and a tin of beans won't make the van go now will it??

fuckingbastardgarageman.

Boss for sale (nearly new, one careful owner...)

It's that time again where i have to pay homage to a work colleague. Today, i pay homage to my boss that, for the purposes of this blog, i will call... Boss.

Boss is a lovely boss, although at times he can turn into evil boss that us here at the office named his evil moments as 'birk moments'. (bit of an 'in' thing that). He keeps us amused with his daily homerisms and we often rip the shit out of him. Cos it's funny. Today he shut me in his office and poked me with a twig, through the keyhole. And no, thats not a 'innuendo' for something filthy, he really did shut me in and shove a twig through the keyhole and proceeded to poke me. It was a really long twig, believe me. His party piece, however, is to sit there, hands behind head, introducing hinself to new members of (female) staff with his flies wide open. (nah, he didn't realise his flies were open, we just like to call him a dirty old man)

Anyway, heres to Boss. May you live long and prosper and give me lots of pay rises. No really, i'm serious. What? No pay rise??? motherfucker!!

Whilst being bored at work...

... I found my 'brain pattern'

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a multi dimensional wonderland, with many layers.You're the type that always has multiple streams of though going.And you can keep these thoughts going at any time.You're very likely to be engaged in deep thought - and deep conversation.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

Hmmmmmm?

Couldn't resist

Well, this morning i gave into tempation and attempted to peel the second orange that was sat on my desk. Oh how i wish i never bothered.



Not only did it take for.ever. to peel the pissing thing, and not only did i spend 20 mins trying to wash away the orange tinge from under my nails, the motherfucking orange spat at me. In my eye. God did it sting. I now have 6 oranges left and i damn them all to hell!! Damn you oranges, damn you to heeeeeeellllllllllllllllll!!!!!

I might palm some off onto tart when shes not looking. Trust me, she won't notice, she'll just eat them without pondering about their origin. She'll probably think they are a bag of crisps and eventually turn to me and say... 'ere, these crisps are a bit soft. And they vagually remind me of oranges...' Yes, thats what i'll do! *evil laughter commences*

Oh, and just for you Mister Hand... Boobies!

He he

A tribute to one ]

LMPP's random rant of the day

It's been a while since i had one of these!! *pees pants excitedly*

It states on my pack of clementines bought today that they are "virtually seedless, easy to peel with a sweet aromatic flavour"

Bollocks!

This is what they really meant...
Virtually seedless = crammed with big, teeth breaking seeds.
Easy to peel = Struggle for 20 mins try to get into it and once done so, spend another 20 mins trying to wash the shit out from under your nails!
Sweet aromatic flavour = Sharp, makes your eyes water lemon disguised as orange. Aromatic?? It isn't a curry now is it?

What a load of bollocks! I rarley eat oranges. Not that i don't like them, they are rather yummy, but i can't be bothered with the peeling that takes soooo long and the orange tinge left under your nails that takes a good week of washing to fuck off! If someone peels them for me then i'll eat them more! More bizarrely, i've realised that although i enjoy some orange flavoured things, i detest others. For example, I love...

Orange chocolate
Orange and pineapple flavoured drinks
Orange Jelly babies
Orange Sorbet
Orange juice with bits in

I, on the other hand, hate...

Marmalade
Orange flavoured drink
Orange juice with no bits in
Any other type of orange flavoured sweets
Orange ice lollies

Fuck me, i quite strange really!

Arrrgggahhh

'I'm an innocent kitty... please don't shoot me!!!



Awww look at the little kitty. It's so sweet!!

I bought my wedding dress on saturday!! It looks like this...



Fortunately, i'll look better in it than her as my boobs are bigger. Also, i'll look less gormless than that.

Only 17 months to go!! I'm soooo excited!!

*sigh* another quickie

I am off home to catch up on some well needed shut eye. I shall be back on Monday!!

Please leave your message after the beep...


Beep.

I am slightly peeved.

Ah bollocks. I am in a total strop. Why? Because all my workmates have fucked off for the day leaving little ol' me AGAIN alone to do it all. Tart is ill so i'm not too mad at her. Bless, she came in and threw up. (barf *shudders and hides under desk*) So i sent her home. Boss has buggered off out to Wales and has turned his phone off. *growls menacingly*. So there you have it, i'm all alone and ranting to myself. And you lot!

I watched my pub boss get stonking pissed last night and throw up out of a car window. (yep, more barf. I had to put my fingers in my ears, wedge my nose into my knees and squeeze my eyes shut so i wouldn't be compelled to chunder too.) He then had to be carried up the stairs where we put him to bed and left him there with a big bucket.

Best part is...?

We have the night all on film! Can't wait to show him his dance moves while under the influence. Apparently, he is still in bed. It's late afternoon! Someone can't handle his beer!!

Funny

Last night i witnessed my adorable little kitty cat pounce off the top of the wardrobe, realise as he flew through mid air that it probably wasn't a good idea to jump of something so high (us humans would call that suicide), panic, try and turn round to fly back to the wardrobe, failed, land sprawling onto the bed (legs akimbo), immediatly sit up and start licking his tail whilst watching me to see if i had noticed his error.

I had. i was laughing so hard. The cat walked off in disgust.

My sides still hurt now. It was soooooooo funny!

and my eye ache is...

...Eye strain! In one eye?!!? According to the doctor, because my work monitor is on the piss, the eye closest to the PC is straining and therefore, giving me headaches or 'eyeaches' as i so cutely put it. (Doctors words, not mine). So there you have it. My work is making me ill. Thought so.

Anyway, i have unshamelessly stole this idea from the wonderous Chicken Little cos she's fab. (please forgive me Chicken Little, i am sad and have no ideas of my own today!! Must be the eyestrain...) She gave us 4 things she would want if she could wave a magic wand!! Well, i have a ton of things i want so i tried to whittle it down to 4...

1. More time to sleep
2. Curry from my fave chinese that close down due to rent problems 2/3 months ago!! *sobs uncontrollably*
3. A clean cat litter tray everyday
4. Goddammit - no frigging eye aches!!

there are loads more i'd like, but at the moment, and for purely selfish reasons, these are my priority. And yes, i know theres more important issues like world peace, natural disasters etc and if i could wave a magic wand to fix these things then yes i would, but at this precise moment in time it's all about me, Me, ME!!!!!

Want 4 things would YOU have if you had a magic wand??

When will it end???

I have an eye ache. It's been there for days. It feels like i've been looking upwards for ages and it's as irritating as itchy powder in your pants. I've seen an optician who stared into my eyes for far too long and told me i have perfect vision and had nothing to worry about. But it still doesn't solve the fact the my pissing eye aches.

It's like a headache, but in your eye. I getting to the point now where i may have to bug my doctor for some sort of drug to relieve the pressure.

It's just like the time i had so called pleurisy. That pain lasted for months, all down my back. Like someone was constantly pumiling me. Eventually it buggered off but still, I don't do pain.

For the hell of it, here are my most memorable pains...

9 years old. First period. (yes, i know i was young, didn't have another until i was 17 though!) Hurt like buggery and when your 9 and the blood pisses out of you like that? Do i need to spell it out for you??

13 years old. Fractured my arm. I fell off one of those gymnastic bar things. I wasn't doing anything on it, just sitting there and slipped off.

21 years old. Butt problems. I began to realise that there was something wrong with my 'motions' Bleeding everytime i went to the loo, very bad pain, severe belly aches. This, believe it or not, is still happening. The doc's are at a loss, i've tried every drug on the go without prevail. It's not as bad now, but it was then!!

23 years old. Serious butt problems. Won't disgust you with the details, but believe me, it was baaaad. I believed i was on my way out.

25 years old. Random health problems. Caused most likely due to the unhappy enviroment i was having at home. I'm quite sensitive and when i'm down, i'm waaay down. I eventually left and almost immediatly was better. I felt like a new person, so i went and got myself one! *laughs hysterically at own joke*

26 years old. The dreaded pleurisy. Was sat in work when all of a sudden it hurt to breathe. It slowly got worse and worse until i was bedridden with it. Unbelievable really. One minute i was ok, the next it really hurt to breathe. I was quite lucky apparently as it can turn into pneumonia. Yeah, i felt really lucky to be in so much pain and to be told it could develop into a potentially life threatening situation. My friend made me feel so much better by visiting a clairvoyant and being told 'someone close to you will develop pneumonia'. Cheers!!

27 years old. Severe headaches caused by my boss ramming computers into my teeny office. the noise, was unbearable and gave me severe headaches. This is probably why i now have eye aches. I've since moved out!

Thats it!! There you have my most memorable pains. I'm sure i had loads more but i can't remember half of them!

My ehem 'interesting' weekend

This weekend i have -

Burnt my arm
Got soaked in freak rainstorm
Bought a new toy for the cat that cost waaaayyy too much money
Been freaked out by a hob nail boot wearing spider
Ate fancy ice cream!

Now in more detail...

Whilst cooking a lovely tea for my wonderous fiance, a yorkshire pudding escaped to the back of the oven. Being the bright spark i am i decided that rather pull out the oven shelf and retrive said pudding safely, i would stick my entire arm into the oven and retrive it that way. I now have a lovely shelf shaped burn halfway up my arm and yes, it hurt like fuck!!!

On Saturday, me and D went to our local shopping centre to buy random stuff such as cleaning products and lamps and cat food. While walking back to the car the entire sky decided to whomp down on us, whilst i was dressed quite skimply as it was still frigging hot! Within seconds it looked like i had showered with my clothes on so we scooted into the nearest shop which brings me to number 3...

...We had scooted into a pet shop. So being the nice parents we are we decided to by Darth a new toy. We were deciding on which mouse to buy him when a gert big loaming shadow caught D's eye... a four foot basically massive cat scratching post complete with levels and rooms. It was £25 and yes, we bought it. Now, if that was something me or D wanted, we would of said no as it was far too expensive. But as it was for the cat, we were both quite excited about seeing the look on our little pussycats face. As if cats can look happy?!!?

As for the other two 'exciting' events of my weekend, i think the brief description about justifies them so i ain't going into anymore detail about it.

Tell me about your weekend...

all kinds of stabby pains

Don't you just hate it when you wake up in the morning after a night of sleeping in an awkward position on your arm and it's completely dead so much so that you can't use it at all? I'm always amazed how heavy the thing is when you have no feeling in it. Also the pain of the little stabby pins and needles when it starts to get the feeling back it in is unbearable!! I did that once upon a time about 5 nights in a row! I got really worried that my arm would eventually go black and drop off! Now i dread that feeling again!! It's never happened in my legs, just my arms!

Anyway, here is a absolute hilarious conversation overheard whilst working in the pub last night...

Man - you're always in the pub you are
Girl - yep
M - don't you ever want to go out and appriciate nature and the elements?
G - i do that all the time.
M - *scoffs* like hell you do, your never outside
G - I sit in the beer garden.
M - *speechless*

Me - *rolling round in laughter at man who's just been put well in his place*

M - don't know what your laughing at.
Me - *laughs harder*

God, working there is soooo funny at times

Zzzzzz

God, i am so knackered it's untrue. I went to bed at a sensible time, I didn't eat after 8.00pm, I drank plently of water. So why dammit, when my alarm woke me from a rather unsavory dream, my poor eyes struggled to open, my head swam and i felt sick just like i do when i don't get to bed until 2 in the morning and have to get up at 6am?? Even now, 2 hours after rising, all i wanna do is lay my head on my desk and zzzzzzzzzzz.

zzzz zzzz zzzzzzz that would be so good right now!

I'm also cold, even though it's quite warm in here. I'm cold enough to be wearing my blue fluffy 'cup-a-soup hug in a mug' jumper type thing. It makes me look like a faded cookie monster. All i need now are some cookies and i'll look the part! My feet are freezing, my hands are not much warmer and my ears have lost all feeling. I must be sickening for something. Hopefully, it will enable me to take the time off work so i can sleep!!

Can anyone tell me what that program Lost is all about. D was watching it last night, like he does everyweek and it's annoying me to the point that i can't watch it cos i need to know what the big secret is right now! Please, someone, put me out of my misery...

knobends and alcoholics

As i have mentioned before, i work in a pub. I love my job, it's so much fun and it gives me the social life i didn't have before i started working there. Yes people, i was quite sad and stayed in all the time. Anyway, like i said, i am happy that i work in a pub and i spend around 80% of my free time there as all my friends are there. I don't drink every night, far from it, apart from coke and orange juice i drink on average 2 - 3 tia marias a week in there.

The point of this post is that i have to rant to someone, and who better than you.

motherfuckingcocksuckingsonofadirtywhorewhothehell
doeshethinkheistherancidwanker.

Tosspot told ME i was sad because i spend all my time in the pub. Tosspot called ME an alcoholic and a loser. Tosspot said i had no friends and that D must be desparate. Tosspot came inches from my face and told me to lose myself, noone would notice. Fucking Moron. I work there at least 5 nights a week. I'm paid to be there. You on the other hand choose to come into a pub, on your own, where everyone takes the piss out of you because you are a complete freakoid. At least when i 'socialise' as you put it, i have friends to do it with. Unlike you! Don't think i'm serving you again.

Loser!!

Well my dear tosspot. How the hell would you know how much of MY time i spend in the pub hmm? Is it because you spend all YOUR time propping up the bar, on your own, with your sad little pint of Stella in one hand, and a big sign that says 'look at me, i'm a loser' in the other?? No one speaks to you apart from the bar staff and we have to cos we are paid to.

I've moved

I now share an office with tart. The other one was giving me a headache. Long story!! Anyway, until the problem is sorted i have to invade poor tarts space and she has already complained about the chair movements, the smell of my arse when my belly is bad. God, it's like living with my mother!! She'll be relieved when i bugger off back into my cupboard!!

Not a big blog today as it is really busy here. No one has been sick near me for a while (woohoo). D's much better and has the stamina of a superhero, the cat has had his op and is now all healthy again.

Wow, my life is soooo much fun!

woohoo

Finally!! After 2 days of no internet we are back online!! Woo -bloody- doo!!!!
When i've waded through my mass amounts of emails i will be back for a bigger post!!

Condolences to the family of the poor ickle squrriel that was spread across the road this morning by a big nasty lorry. He didn't see it coming. Poor, poor squrriel.

Mmmmm

Ok, so last night was uneventful. D wasn't sick again though complained all damn night of the sweats and shivers. I allowed him to sleep in the same bed as me on the condition that he was to leave immediately if his belly lurched. He was snoring within seconds of head hitting pillow so i guess i was safe.

The cat has lost both his evil bottom teeth. You know, the big ones that hurt like fuck if a cat decides your hand looks tasty. Do cats have milk teeth? Do they fall out and then grow back?? I really hope so cos the poor sod can't eat his biscuits anymore. Apart from that he is still evil so he can't be in pain.

I have an eyeball headache so i'm gonna sleep at my desk for a while. The paracetamol ain't working. Fucking cheap shit!!