Hoorah!

In 3 hours time i will be on one of these...



Speeding my merry way to this...



to absolutely shit myself cos i'm afraid of heights. I will post photos of myself being all scared and stuff.

I'm going to see my two lovely friends and be joined by two more lovely friends! We will all drink copious amounts and be all silly!!

See you all soon

Trivia about ME!!!

Ten Top Trivia Tips about LMPP!

1. On average, women blink nearly twice as much as LMPP!
2. If the Sun were the size of a beach ball then Jupiter would be the size of a golf ball and LMPP would be as small as a pea!
3. Native Americans never actually ate LMPP; killing such a timid prey was thought to indicate laziness.
4. A cluster of bananas is called a hand and consists of 10 to 20 bananas, which are individually known as LMPP!
5. LMPP can eat up to four kilograms of insects in a single night.
6. Only fifty-five percent of men wash their hands after using LMPP!
7. LMPPomancy is the art of telling the future with LMPP.
8. Women shoplift four times more frequently than LMPP!
9. The ace of spades in a playing card deck symbolizes LMPP.
10. In Japan, LMPP can only be prepared by chefs specially trained and certified by the government!

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

LMPP. Otherwise known as a singular banana, as small as a pea!

Marvellous!

I'm off to lovely London tomorrow to start my week long, well deserved holiday!! Will you miss me?? I'll post loads of photos from the top of the London Eye!

Promise!

How time flies

God, it seems like only yesterday since i last posted. I must be having so much fun.

I have absolutely nothing interesting to blog about. How sad is that. I went to watch Memoirs of a Geisha on Sat night at my local cinema. It was surprisingly ok. I worked Sunday and i worked yesterday.

See, all boring!

Lots of them

I'm not sure what it is, but the pub i work in really does attract some weirdos.

Again, yesterday, we had the racoon wearing dancing lady, the man who likes to drink other peoples drinks, the man who is dying from colon cancer and had a life saving major operation the next day, and then was in that evening boasting how it saved his life and also the woman who is convinced she's married to John Wayne and carries a magazine cut out of him in her wallet.

We also had in our regular, who i shall call J, who likes to stand there and conduct whatever singer we have in. He was the one that told my boss he had to demolish the bar cos it was in the way of the pool table, by law.

There's the man whose 'bestest, favouritist Auntie in the whole wide world' dies every Tuesday. There's the kid who is constantly drunk on Blackthorn, even when we open he's still pissed from the night before.
We have a lifeboat man who lives in Bristol, no where near the sea. He sits at the bar drinking spritzers 'just in case i'm called out'.
We have a woman with a boyfriend for every day of the week, us bar people are sworn to secretcy.
We have a girl that has been pregnant for the last 18 months. She forgets she's already told us.

We also, believe it or not, have some relatively normal customers, though you would be hard pushed to get to them, they are surrounded by freaks.

Ahhh a day in the life of LMPP!!

God Help Me

Ok, a few posts back i warbled on about my incredibly fugly jumper. Well people, just because this lovely lady asked, here is a pic of me wearing it...



Ok, let me clarify two things;

The jumper makes my boobies look bigger than they are.
The jumper also makes me look fatter than i am.

Look at the fuglyness of it. I so have bad taste in clothing. Somebody help me.

6 innocent things...

Ok, here is what i was talking about in this post. 6 things came out of my mouth this weekend that were highly innocent, but, could of been misinterpreted by dirty minded people, such as myself.

a. 'that is waaay to big to fit in my hole'. I was talking to my Mum, who tried to shove a rather large plant in a hole that i had dug for a much smaller plant, in the back garden. Mum then told me not to be so suggestive.

b. 'On the laminate, THE LAMINATE'. To my cat, who was quite happily pissing on the carpet, at least 2cm away from the laminate.

c. 'If you lick it, it will get smaller'. To my nephew, who cried when his lolly shrunk through over lickage.

d. 'Have you got a bigger one?' To my fellow barmaid, when she gave me a diddy plaster that would of fitted on an ants leg.

e. 'It's not my fault it doesn't fit. To my pub boss, when the part he ordered to fix the burnt out glasswasher wouldn't fit.

f. 'Jesus, that's massive'. To D, when a big hairy spider ran across the kitchen floor.

See, all above board and innocent.

The Power of Christ compels you...

6 things...

...that came out of my mouth this weekend. Let's see if you can guess who i was talking to...

a. 'that is waaay to big to fit in my hole...'
b. 'On the laminate, THE LAMINATE'
c. 'If you lick it, it'll get smaller...'
d. 'Have you got a bigger one?'
e. 'It's not my fault it doesn't fit...'
f. 'Jesus, that's massive'

1. The cat
2. D
3. My mum
4. My pub boss
5. My nephew
6. Another barmaid

Can you guess??

Living up to my name...

I am sooo pissed off. All i've done today is work. Well considering i'm at work it's a good thing right? Wrong - soooOOOooo wrong. It's all shite work, i hate work. I want to be able to at least scratch my ass once within the working day.

But no...

One a more serious note, the glass washer at the pub caught fire last night because somebody didn't turn it off at the mains before they pulled the plug out. It's like one big kettle, no water + lots of elements trying to heat water = BOOM.

My boss is sooooo pissed.

Lucky i didn't work last night so it can't be my fault

Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

My God...

Imagine this...

A woman, late 70's, maybe early 80's, about 5ft 8, long, straight dyed red hair with a hat that resembles a dead racoon, pissed up on Jack Daniels, trying to dance the night away.

*Picture arms and ass flailing everywhere, humping chairs and whatnot*

In a pub with no music. Or a dancefloor.

She didn't even make her own music.

Well, i suspect she was trying to dance the night away, she may have been having some kind of fit instead i and just stood there with my jaw hitting the floor. Should of helped i supposed, just in case.

unbelievable

A while back i posted about my friend who lost both his son and his ex girlfriend through birth. This was almost a month ago.

The funeral is on Friday. This Friday. That's a month and a day after she died.

Apparently, the grapevine is whispering that the parents didn't want to ruin their christmas by having a funeral in the middle.

Eh, people, don't you think their christmas was already ruined?

The papers quoted her mother 'We were waiting for her to tell us she was pregnant, i can only guess she was in denial...' and '...she didn't see a doctor or a midwife the entire time...'

and she unbelievably went to the doctor, 9cm dilated, to complain of a suspected stomach infection.

Heartbreakingly for my friend, his ex had told him she'd had an abortion 5 months earlier and then dumped him. If he had any inkling that she was still pregnant she and that child may still be here.

What gets me is she lived with her parents yet they didn't, once, broach the subject of her dramatic weight gain. I've recently seen a photo of her at 8 months. She is unmistakeably pregnant in it. Her parents confirmed they were 'suspicious'.

I'm still reeling from it. Would your parents say nothing to you if you were in her situation? My dad would have me down that clinic faster than you can say 'but i'm not...'

Unbelievable.

Nightmares!!

Ok, This weekend, i've had nothing but nightmares.

Friday night was fine, just your usual happy bunny dreams of sweetness and light and all things fluffy. Saturday day, when i fell asleep while watching some shit docu on the telly, i dreamt that i was on fire, but i couldn't feel the burning. Everywhere i went people ran screaming from me.

No funny comments please. Believe it or not, people don't actually run screaming from me in real life.

Saturday night, i dreamt that the cat was chopped in half by my pub bosses dog. He had a machete and took a swipe at my cat. My cats head then continued to speak to me like it's the most natural thing for a decapitated cat to speak. Duh.

Last night, i dreamt that i was shoplifter hunting and got stuck in a lift with one. He then got out and i continued down in a lift with no doors, which started to close in on me at the bottom. The only way i could stop myself from being crushed was to hold the side away with my legs. It then turned into a dream about being at a party with my evil ex, whom i couldn't escape from. He kept grabbing my arm and saying 'stay with me'.

I woke up about 4.00am to find D spreadeagled on the sofa, legs spread, halfway through a game on the PS2, fast asleep.

Nice.

I'm soooo crabby now.

my boobies are fine

said my doctor. He had a squeeze and a poke and pronounced them healthy. The student doctor with him went all white and funny. I think mine were the first pair of medical boobs he's seen...

So i have growing pains. Or maybe a slight infection that can be treated with ibuprofen. To be honest, i hope its the infection, my boobs cannot get any bigger. I'll be all out of proportion and that will suck.

Ow

I've got a sore boobie.

It hurts when i lean against it or knock it or jump up and down. It hurts when i sleep on my right side.

I think i may skip gingerly along to the doctors tomorrow after the post xmas rush of sick people have been seen too.

My bra's probably shrunk. Or my right boobie has grown. Either or my boobie hurts and i want it to stop.

I hate sleeping on my left side, the cat has easy access to attack my face. Might take the opportunity to scratch an eyeball out or something...

Talking of my cat, he was covered in wax yesterday morning. Hard, set wax all down his nose and over his ears. I haven't burned any candles in a long while so i couldn't figure it out. However, by stalking the cat for the next 40 mintues i eventually found the source of the wax... The cat had kindly knocked my most expensive candle of the shelf, onto the hot radiator and proceeded to sniff and head rub the hot wax dripping down onto the floor.

Thanks cat. Where's me wok...