It's been an absolute age...

...since I've discussed any ailment I may be experiencing on my blog. This would be due to the fact that, shock horror, I've been quite healthy since the bout of tonsillitis that put me in hospital back in October.

Anyway, the buck stops here.

I have a tummy ache. Not just any tummy ache, but one that requires me to be back & forth to the loo day and night. Do you realise what this means? No? It means that since Monday, I HAVE HAD NO GODDAMN SLEEP!
Everytime I drop off, my belly decides that this must be the time it cranks up the pain which has me running for the loo and, since I'm deprived of any kind of rest, this means that my mood is on a par with Satan when someone decides to chuck a vat of holy water at him.

Don't get it? It means when you see me coming, run away very fast or I may be forced to rip your throat out with my fingers because hey, doing that may cheer me up for 5 minutes.

My mood, of course, was made a billion times worse when the doctors automated 'can't be bothered to speak to you' system told me that 'the next available appointment is at 8.30am on Monday the 5th of March'. What the Fuck?!!? Goddammit I would have shat out my body weight and a small dog twice over by then.

This means I now have to wait until midnight, when all the cancellations are released, to attempt to get an appointment for tomorrow, which means that if I manage to fall asleep for the first time in 4 days, I'll have to wake up to call the motherfuckinggoddamn surgery. This, my lovely petalpoops, will not bode well for my mood.

Pray for D. He will so get the brunt of it.

What's This...?

This is the NOBBER that decided to cut me up this morning on my way to work.

On a roundabout.

A very busy roundabout.

And it forced me to almost take the wing off a Toyota Yaris. No loss there then.

Jesus Wept. I frigging well HATE nobs who drive like F1 drivers on a public highway. Look at it? Have you ever seen such a pointless pick up truck? You wouldn't want to load it with anything, it's way too pretty for that. You'll have to wrap everything in bubble wrap so you wouldn't scratch the bodywork for a start.

Sooo pissed right now!

Performance & Thrust

Sat here during a lull at work, I was just mulling over the idea of registering me & D and some friends over at the Top Gear website to go and be in the audience when my filthy, dirty mind took over and forced me to think about what it would be like to bed the three Gods who present it.

Whilst struggling to erase this from my thoughts and actually get on with some work, it struck me.

It would, quite rightly, be pants. Extremely hilarious, but pants.

Because, instead of getting down to business and taking me to Heaven, they would probably stand there and argue about who had the most amount of thrust, which one was the best performer and, of course, who had the bigger, ehem.

Doesn't stop me from daydreaming though...

10 years without a misdemeanour...

...and then it happens.

I get caught speeding... in a Nissan Micra.

I wouldn't mind, but speeding? In a 1000cc Nissan Micra? I must have been going downhill.

So there you have it. £60 fine and 3 points. A first for me, I was quite proud of having a clean driving licence, but, as this is my first within 10 years of driving. I'm not going to fret over it, just pay the fine, humbly accept my points, and hope that next time I'm caught, I'm in my superfast supercar so that when the people at the camera processing unit process my speeding fine, tittering about how my superslow supershed is actually faster than the speed limit, I can be the one laughing instead.

Boooooooring!

Good grief was last night ever dire. I have to say, I was completely bored. It was quiet, and Shels was off sick so yes, what a pants night.

Anyways - on a brighter note...

Looooooook....

Mazda RX-8 mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

This will be my new car once I've saved my ass off for it. I should have enough money within 12 months... (for a 2 year old one, I'm not that flush!) and it has backseats so D, you can stop complaining now! We all know what you want the backseats for ;)

I did offer my Nobby Nissan to D once he passes his test. Obviously I was laughed at. There is absolutely nothing wrong with ol' Nobby. Just that he is a 1000cc engine. Can't get above 70mph and thats a struggle to get to as well. And he's, well, less endowed than a VW Golf that D aspires to. But he's young (02 reg) and free and drives lovely if you like the sound of hairdryers.

Err - Duh!

So I watched Top Gear again last night. I just looove that program. This week they were farting around America in their $1000 cars, arguing about peeling squirrels and pissing off the Alabamamians, sabotaging James' car and generally arsing about. Jeremy Clarkson is, quite rightly, a GOD!

I have to say, it made me laugh out loud. And it made me realise how damn gorgeous that Richard Hammond really is.

*yuuummm Richard Hammmmmmond*

Top Gear will never be the same for me again.

Although, don't tell D. He may get jealous. Or laugh at me. Or murder me and bury my body. Or feed me to the cat. The cat would be HUGE if he did that.

Sodding work tonight. Goddammit. I want to be On. The. Sofa, with a big, ice cold cat mug of coke, and a chicken rogan josh. With onion bhajis. And poppadoms. And mango chutney. And onion salad.

*drools*

Ok, enough. I'm now ravenous. Great, I've made my tummy eat itself. Arrgghhh!!!

Did you know - it's only 8 weeks until I become Mrs. Mead? 8 weeks!!! I am so excited, and shit scared at the same time. I mean, I'm going to be so sad when I lose my last name but, chuffed to fuck about my married name. Or, I could double-barrell it, but I really don't think 'Hill-Mead' or 'Mead-Hill' sounds good. In fact, it sounds crap. And, my dad seems a little too excited about 'giving me away'. Maybe he really does want to give me away so I stop spending all his money on weddingy things. Maybe he secretly hopes that by giving me away, I'll spend all D's money, but I do that anyway so it's a bit pointless.

Anyway, best do some work since I am actually at work. Email's finally fixed since the Sooper Dooper Pooter Fixer was gazumpted by the terminator style virus checker that kept coming back from the dead. But, Sooper Dooper Pooter Fixter won and all is well with the world again.

Emails piss me off.

I am so sick of emails. This is like the 2nd time in 3 weeks my email at work has decided to Fuck Up royally, and this time, I didn't even realise until someone rang me whinging that I hadn't sent them any emails when I so did.

So, I did what I normally do. Spat at my screen and called our sooper dooper pooter fixer.

And fix my pooter he did, so all is well in LMPP land again. Almost. I still had to resend all the damn emails that didn't reach their destination the first time.

LMPP + Email + Pooters = HATE!!!

Well, that lasted long didn't it?!

Ok, no more snow. I woke today to bright sunshine. Freezing Your Tits Off weather, but bright sunshine. Until about 1.00pm and then it went incredibly grey, and then it pissed down. And I mean P.I.S.S.E.D down.

*sulks*

Bogie 'oop north', well, Kent, but it's 'oop north' to me, had 3 inches of the stuff. It's so not fair.

I went for a corset fitting earlier in preparation for my wedding. God, what on earth made me want a corset? I couldn't breathe and that was for 5 minutes. If I faint on the day, don't worry, it's just me corset cutting off air supply to my lungs. I'll be fine!!

Never Eat Yellow Snow

Still waiting for the hugemongus snowfall that i've been hearing about. The newspapers are full of 'oooo so and so land had 7 inches of snow yesterday blah blah blah'

Well whoopeefuckingdoo for them.

The last time we had massive amounts of snow was when I was at school. They shut the school for the day because hey, us Britons panic like fuck when it snows, everything must grind to a halt or the world will explode. Anyway, me and my mate, Z, were lobbing snowballs at each other down Southey Park when another 'friend' and her mum came over to us. I say 'friend' because really we couldn't stand her. The bitch did me for detention once at school because she accused me of pulling down her knee high socks. She used to absolutely love wearing knee high, spanky white socks to school. At the age of 15. When that was just sooo not cool! It was the nineties i'll have you know! Anyway, some of the girls in our class, the bitchy ones, decided that it would be hilarious to pull her socks down. So they did, and she blamed me. Hence why I couldn't stand her. She's married now with a beautiful baby girl, fuck knows how she managed to produce one so gorgeous but there you go.

So, her and her mum came over to us and started harping on about the state of Britain and how schools were closing everywhere blahdy blah, when Z's dog took a fancy to our 'friends' mums shopping bag and cocked his leg against it. Me and Z were On. The. Floor. and they never did quite work out what was so funny, so they stomped off in a huff.

C'mon sky, open your bowels for me!

In other news, Anna Nicole Smith is dead. Someone once said to me a while ago 'She'll end up like that Lolo Ferrari if she isn't careful' Scary.

What F'ing snow?

Here in happy Bristol we were supposed to be receiving 15cms of snow. It's been such a long time since i've seen that amount of snow around here so understandably i became so excited at the prospect of snowball fights and snowman creating that i almost wet my pants. I'm 28 years old by the way, it's been a long time.

Anyway, i woke up this morning and bounded to the window, knocking D out of the way and trampling over the cat, to be greeted at the window with the sight of... a fine dusting of white stuff. No 15cms, just 'a light dusting' of very fine snow. It didn't even make the grass disappear.

godDAMMIT!!