Oh God...

I have to admit this. You will most probably think i'm the saddist thing since shellsuits but this has to be said otherwise i'll implode...

I miss my cat.

My sweet little Darth, how i miss your fangs when they rip my flesh from my arm. How i miss you scratching my eyeballs out and calmly licking your trophy from your paw. I miss you peeing in my wardrobe and not on the laminate no matter how many times i scream bloody Mary at you. I miss the way you ignore me and run to D whenever you want your ears scratched.

However, D doesn't miss you. He certainly doesn't miss the way you cunningly place your paw on his adams apple while he sleeps to wake him up to feed you, every morning around 5am, or suffer a painful slow death from strangulation. He also doesn't miss the way you pee in my wardrobe for him to clean up. He certainly doesn't miss you ripping the flesh from his leg while trying to escape from the vacuum.

Darth, you are loving the wrong person. You should love me, i don't want to microwave you...

The cat's all packed...

It's that time of year again where pub boss fucks off abroad and D has to run the pub for 2 weeks. So poor Darth has been shunted off to my mothers and we are in the process of moving into the pub.

Get me, i live in a pub!! (albeit only temporary)

Alas though, no free beer as my boss is anal about stocktakes.

But, the most heartbreaking thing i can't have whilst living in a pub is the internet. Hell, my boss doesn't even own a computer. He doesn't even have Sky TV. Maybe this pub lark is a bit shit after all.

I love my Sky TV.

Decisions, decisions...

I have a dilemma. I don't know where to go for my lunch!

I'm starving and i have £2.00.

Fuck it i'm sooo hungery. I could eat a scabby donkey.

Where's the nearest stables?

About bloody time

So two of my closest friends are finally getting married! Thank god for that! How long have you two been together now?? 10 years or there abouts? But anyway, yay for you both!

Hopefully, you'll get married after Beaky spawns the minibogie so she won't be barfing on her wedding day. Or be so fat she would have to be wheelbarrowed down the aisle!

I can't wait! I'm almost more excited for this than my own wedding! I'll have to buy a hat! I look stupid in hats.

Elsewhere, i have had serious squits for 4 days now. It's tailed off to just feeling sick now, but my arse is RED RAW. It fucking kills. I mean, yes i like having a backside that feels like i've wet and dried it but enough already! And now i have to put up with this feeling sick shit? What's that about?! I even went to the supermarket in my PJs where i could not be assed to change into normal people clothes just to buy a tin of stinking cat food to satisfy the spawn of Satan that had taken up residence in my flat. I was THAT ILL.

The spawn of Satan has now, you'll be glad to hear, regressed back into being a cute little kitty cat otherwise known as Darth Vadar.

Now excuse me, while i nurse the claw marks from my arms and face...

For Fucks Sake

Yes. It has been an incredibily busy week so i haven't had much time to do anything i might consider FUN in my work time like for example, blogging.

Yes. I'm still alive and i haven't gone into hibernation. (I like that idea...)

Yes. Work is a nightmare since Tart broke her hand fornicating with her boyfriend and praise the lord she's back soon.

But seriously, i do not have the pissing time to pacify someone because i hurriedly typed a reply to a work related email and FORGOT TO TAKE THE CAPS LOCK OFF!

I'm sorry, did you think i was shouting at you Mr. Crossdresser*? Well fuck off. Sorry, FUCK OFF. There was no need to complain to you superior, was there? Fuckballs.

* I have it on good authority.

I got bored of my blog title so i abbrievated it. Works much better i think. And sarcasm, what's sarcasm??

Tart broke her hand this weekend. Yep she is in plaster and she can't drive so muggins here will do all the work, again. All i will say on the subject is hurry up and return you slacker.

I watched D's mum sing her solo on Friday night and she was good. A little off key but hey, it was her first time singing in public so she did well. Unlike her fellow singy friend who forgot her words halfway through her solo, so really, D's mum did brilliantly!! Then i foolishly ate a scabby kebab and my poor tummy has been poorly ever since. Avoid scabby kebabs people, even if they are bought for you. Of course, i should have had alarm bells ringing when the little greek fellow serving couldn't understand 'no chilli sauce, i will have a bad ass otherwise.' 'No, NO'
And guess what, i had chilli sauce. Mmmm see the bad ass that followed...

Peace at last...

What i blogged about in this here post a couple of days ago went surprisingly well. I mean, how many 28 year olds do you know run out of a meeting in tears because they couldn't handle what was being said to her. What was said to her was tame, compared to what could have been said. She was with her boss, that didn't help her in the slightest and then she refused to come to lunch with us, so we had a jolly nice time without her.

Since then, life has been very pleasant. No pissy phone calls, polite emails. It's all kind of... eerie. I mean, i'm pleased she's stopped her incessent bullying of the staff here, but it's weird. I can't get used to her being all nicey nicey. Ah well, i'm sure she'll revert back into her old ways eventually...

Peace at last...

What i blogged about in this here post a couple of days ago went surprisingly well. I mean, how many 28 year olds do you know run out of a meeting in tears because they couldn't handle what was being said to her. What was said to her was tame, compared to what could have been said. She was with her boss, that didn't help her in the slightest and then she refused to come to lunch with us, so we had a jolly nice time without her.

Since then, life has been very pleasant. No pissy phone calls, polite emails. It's all kind of... eerie. I mean, i'm pleased she's stopped her incessent bullying of the staff here, but it's weird. I can't get used to her being all nicey nicey. Ah well, i'm sure she'll revert back into her old ways eventually...

Unbelievable

It saddens me to see children huddling on street corners or in dark crevices buying crack or whatever for themselves or someone else. There is a housing association block of flats next to the pub where the council house all the people that don't have jobs or can't afford to rent decent housing. This block of flats seems to house all the drug addicts and lo-ho-sers. There's one particular boy, about 13, who likes to piss my boss around by opening the pub doors and shouting things like C*NT and FUCKING WANKERS etc. This is the same boy who we quite often witness buying drugs for his spaced out, slapper of a mother. He also has been spotting snorting the said drugs before he takes the rest home to mummy dearest.

Anyway, he decided that it would be funny to call out the fire brigage to the pub last night claiming that it was on fire. The stupid child, however, called from his mobile so he got caught, and all they did? They told him that is was very, very naughty to call the emergency services if it's not an emergency.

WTF?!?

So what did the shitbag do? Called them again. And again. Oh, and an ambulance.

Fireman - 'don't do it again you naughty little boy'
Boy - 'Fuck off'
Fireman - 'Come on lads, lets go back to the station and wait for him to call again so real emergencies like, duh, people being burnt alive can wait.'

What happened to fucking prosecuting these fuckers. Christ!

Maybe if his mother wasn't such a crack addict he would of fared better in life!

Eviiilll

Well, the evil cow is coming for a visit today to lord it all over me and make me feel about this big!
I hate these visits. It always rains here when she's due and i feel like crap. I'm just going to have to be strong and smile and be polite and nice and suck ass. Again. Not easy to do when she is slating you left right and centre. Never mind, i'm sure i'll survive.

At the pub we have beer towels for promoting Bath Ales. Their logo features a Hare stretched out across the length of the towel. Some bright spark honestly thought that the reason the 'rabbit' is their logo is because the beer is made from rabbits, or at least rabbit droppings.

*insert intense face pulling here*

And, to make it worse for himself, he pointed out that the 'rabbit' didn't have a willy.

On a completely different subject, me and D are going here on Friday to watch his mum sing a solo as part of her folk music group. She's incredibly nervous so lets all cheer her on!!!

God, it's been so long since i last blogged... well 5 days.

I haven't been too hot, the toilet has become my best friend again. I'm better today though. I haven't done much this weekend apart from fighting off D when he got to amourous to rush too the loo, and watching way too much telly.

Hopefully this week i'll fare better...

Let me elaborate...

It was 11.10pm and we'd finished serving all the morons that like to come out and get bolloxed on a sunday night. Whilst i was clearing a table of empty glasses, a random hand snaked in between my legs and 'tickled' my most private part. To be honest, i first thought it was D and i spun round to catch him out, only to come face to face with a spotty, ugly twat who had no front teeth.

I stood there with my mouth open, unable to say or do anything while the twat disappeared through the doors. I then burst into tears.

He was in the pub again last night and trust me when i say, he got what was coming to him.

Good and proper.