Wedding? I'll pay someone else!!

Never plan a wedding. Pay someone else to do it! Seriously, i asked the respective parentage to give me a list of who they want to invite as an 'all dayer', taking into consideration that we can only afford to pay for 35 guests. At nearly £40 a head we can't afford to invite people that we haven't seen for donkeys years. So my parents came back with 26 people. D's parents came back with 31. Thats 57!! people for those of you who are a bit slow off the mark. 5 fucking 7.

Jesus, i'm bankrupt!

It's not safe

OMG! The barf fest continues...

Last night - go to work in pub, bosses grandchildren randomly running round and beating the fuck out of each other as normal, one gets overexcited and pukes, other sees the puke and pukes, smallest grandchild giggles uncontrollably and... yep, pukes. Get home from work, feeling marginally safe in my child free flat. D comes to bed and pukes. Seriously, i could not believe what i was hearing (had head under pillow the moment D opened his mouth and clamped his hand over it - no way was i witnessing more goddamn barf). Tidal wave across the bathroom, cat trying to eat it, Me trying not to barf in kitchen sink, D moaning that his stomach hurts. Ha, no sympathy from me buddy, what did i tell you about barfing near me?!! Being the terrified girlie that thought somehow in the night D may throw up and drown me i made his sleep on the sofa! He didn't complain, it meant all night telly for him!!

Got up this morning to drive to work and there is a pile of suspect cat parts on the kitchen lino! Can't quite tell if its shit or puke, whatever, i'm not touching it. Cat sat on kitchen chair contemplating life while licking his non existant balls. Woke D up and told him to mop it up before the cat eats it. I heard a grunt so hes ok!!

Now i'm in my office all on my todd so i think i'm pretty safe. Unless i throw up. Although i feel ok and have eaten mountains of sugar puffs for brekkie, that won't be a pretty site if that comes out the wrong end. No work tonight so that lessens the chances of a child homing in on me, projectile vomiting all the way. However, the same cannot be said for D.

Someone pass me a mop.

Grrrrrr

What is it with me and puking kids?? I swear, kids flock to me just to barf. For the record, if anyone or anything throws up within seeing and hearing distance to me then i immediately react by one of 2 things...

... i also throw up, usually projectile vomit, everywhere
... i start heaving and can't stop for ages.

With the latter, i also sweat and tears run down my face. I seriously cannot abide puke. It, pardon the pun, makes me sick.

This weekend consisted of these highlights;

Friday - go to friends house to watch film, child throws up after massive tantrum and misses my hand by millimetres. I run from room heaving and eventually have to go home cos i can't stop. I go to bed and heave into the night whilst having dreams of children projectile vomiting at me.

Saturday - go to cinema and child barfs at popcorn stand. I am so close that i can smell it. Run to loo to chuck up the entire contents of mt stomach, and then some. Watch film in fear of people behind me throwing up on me.

Sunday - Work lunchtime in pub where child explodes in the loo. Everywhere, down walls, in sinks, over floor but not in bog. I walk in to have a wee and yep, i throw up. Luckily, mine goes down the loo nice and neatly.

Monday - go to pub for lunch with friend who i haven't seen in ages, child yacks up and finds it funny, i spend the rest of the day heaving on the sofa.

Today - go to sainsburys to buy lunch, see child, see vomit on floor, run away very fast the other way.

See, i seriously have a problem

I seriously believe...

That the whole world and his dog are creating more and more work for me. Last night was karaoke night in the pub and usually there are 5 bar staff on as it gets quite busy. Last night there was me. Just me, little ol' me. Everyone else was ill. So me and my boss slaved away pouring pints, opening bottles and grabbing bags of crisps for all the pissy customers, pissy because they have waited for ooo more than a minute to be served. God, english people have absolutely no patience when it comes to waiting for something, i should know, i'm one of them!! And today. Today is Friday. This should be a quiet day in work, winding down for the bank holiday weekend... Bollocks. Ton's and tons of excruicatingly boring work later and i've just about finished. Barely. I'm so knackered, i want my bed. No pubbing for me later...

why is blogger being so pants today?

It's being pants, i'll be back when it behaves!!

I am so crap

Last night whilst having a rare night off from work me & D decided to have a lovely restful night whilst watching the telly and have a curry. We planned to watch Charmed, (D was forced to watch), Will & Grace, Friends and Lost episodes 4 & 5. So the first part of the evening went well, we discovered that we had ran out of cat food for Darth so he had to partake in my lunchmeat for today, we ordered our curry that took over an hour to turn up!! The bloody curry house is literately 5 mins drive away, bastards, we then settled down to watch Lost and i promptly fell asleep. Well, i did quaff at least 1 bottle of wine and being the lightweight that i am i'm not suprised i fell asleep. Pissed me off though, i really wanted to watch Lost!!

I woke up at about 2am with the cat on my face and no D beside me. D was fast asleep on the sofa with 'Live Girls' in big yellow writing across the TV screen. I needed to wee. As you can see i had a very interesting night!

Wow, my life is sooo interesting... just for the hell of it here are 10 things i have to do everyday so you can see for yourself how amazingly interesting i am...

1. Wash
2. Brush Teeth
3. Read
4. Watch a bit of telly
5. Go to the pub mostly to work in it, not get raving drunk
6. Talk to L, my bestest bud
7. Feed the cat
8. Blog - monday to friday only, no www at home
9. Make D's tea
10. Sleep

There you have it. 10 things i do everyday although no 6 is technically a workday thing, aren't i exciting??! Whats that i hear you say? *cups hand behind ear* No? Dammit!!

Homage to a lovely lurvvvly girlie

I've decided it's about time to pay homage to my lovely, lovely co-worker. As she wishes to hide away she won't let me blog her name, so for the purposes of my homage, we shall refer to her as... tart!

Tart is the bestest minion i could ever wish for. Everyday she breezes in and delights me with stories of her busy life, not to mention her horny men she seems to keep bumping into. She makes me laugh by being rather 'blonde' and is just generally marvellous!! Daily she takes the shit off me and deals with it. Daily she skives and knows she has learnt from the best!! She entertains me with emails she receives from her rather funny friends, and she never fails to cook my noodles or bring me ribena and beef hula hoops. In fact, she is a star!!!

Tart... you are 100% bonafied STAR!!!!! Now go to the shop and bring me ribena!

Why do we bother?

At my office job, we pay a company to deal with all our employment law. This includes employee contracts and whatnot. Today I discovered we were running low on one of our contracts that we dish out to our slaves so I asked my very lovely coworker (see, i do love you really) to call them up and order us some more. They told her that basically we do not exist on their systems and to basically 'go away'. Eh, honeybunch, we've been paying you fuck loads of money to organise this kind of shit for many many years, go look again. So lovely, lovely coworker who very kindly takes this kind of shit of my hands, rang them back and spoke to another person who said 'no problem'.

Ooookay then. In the space of oooo 30 minutes, we went from 'not existing and fuck off' to 'yes, we would like to suck your ass and we will send you whatever you want'. Why do we bother eh? Pass me a pillow, i need to sleep!!

relief

Although i feel sooooo much better today, my bum is still on speaking terms with the loo. So i am still back and forth and back and forth which, pardon the pun, is a bit of a bummer!!

I hit every red traffic light on the way to work this morning. Arse. I also hit every sodding traffic jam caused by milk floats and refuse lorries. Do people still have their milk delivered?? Why??? Just go to the shop and buy it for petes sake and then people like me can get to work on time!! Apologies to any milk delivery people out there, no malice intended. I went home yesterday and slept for 4 hours solid, woke up around 5.30pm and still felt pain. I can't be dealing with pain. Pain is bad.

not much to blog about today due to the pain making my head all fuzzy. It's a hard job just trying to concentrate on my work, let alone trying to think of something witty and amusing to blog about. I may pop back later if i feel the need...

poorly bunny

Today, i am a poorly bunny. My poor tummy is warbling quite loudly for the whole office to hear. My bum has made best friends with the loo. I am, indeed, quite minging.

Because of this slight intrusion into my world, i am off home to curl up on my bed and sleep until all pain and suffering vanish. I really cannot deal with pain.

Normal service will of course resume once my bum has fallen out with the loo.

mwah ha ha ha ha ha... *evil laughter*

I may be peeling, but not as badly as D!! He is a walking mass of floaty dead skin cells. Wherever he goes, he leaves bits of dead skin! I'm just peeling a little bit less that the 'shed your skin' stage!

That has cheered me up!!

Although I don't mind being pasty white most of the time, i do get sick of people asking if i'm poorly because i look very pale. So being a bit browner is somewhat of a temporary relief from the constant worried looks and questions. Ah well, it was good while it lasted!!

*wails uncontrollably*

I can't believe it. I am peeling already!! My gorgeous browned skin is peeling already goddammit!!! This depresses me so. It's only been a week and i've been lathering on the skin cream in a bid to keep my lucious colour that little bit longer but no. My skin has other ideas!!!

Fuck it, this time next week i'll be pasty white looking like i'm in a despartate need for a holiday... DAMMIT!!!

flippin' heck

Whilst yapping with the new (loopy) barmaid last night, i discovered that she really is a cat. Why?? Because she has had so many close calls she really has to have 9 lives. Here are the 2 most scariest accidents she has had. I'm telling you, it makes me grateful that i am not as loopy as her...

Incident 1. Falling off a cliff, basically on purpose. She decided to jump of a cliff into the water below. No a biggie, everyone does it as the drop there isn't far, plus it's good fun!! She managed to pluck up the courage to launch herself off this cliff, only to chicken out at the last second. She tried to stop, slid on the gravel and went over the edge. She hit every ledge/sticky out rock on the way down, broke her back in 3 places and her wrist. She walked out of hospital 2 weeks after. Lucky, lucky bitch!!

Incident 2. Walking into the path of a car. She randomly walked in front of a car. (??!!?). Obviously not looking where she was going. Landed on her head and walked away with just a cut above her eye. Lucky, lucky, lucky bitch.

I'm telling you, she is not human. Seriously though, it freaked me out. She's only 20 and already she's stared death in the face twice. And she is seriously tiny. Apparently she can remember every detail about going over the edge of a cliff, but hardly anything about the car hitting her. I'd rather block the lot out than remember falling to almost certain death.

On a completely different level, one of D's 'posh' friends from holiday sent me a letter, gushing on how wonderful it was to meet me and we should go out for a drink as she lives so close to me. WTF?? Although she was one of the nicer ones i had no idea she loved me so much. That's how it sounds in the letter. Awwww bless. Wonder if i can cope with an evening of such poshness, being the farmer that i am!! Mmmmm.....

the funniest thing...

i've seen in ages...



Go visit this website and have a laugh for youselves...

New staff

At my pub job, there are new bar staff. Not long ago my boss was whinging that he had 'too many staff' and some of us had to go. So he got rid of the people that only did 1 or 2 shifts a week. Now, he's whinging that he hasn't got enough staff and has took on people for 1 or 2 shifts a week. Do you get his logic?? I certainly don't.

The reason why i'm bleating on about something as boring as new staff in a random pub somewhere in the UK, is because i had to work with 2 of the forementioned staff last night, and what a night it was. One of the girls wouldn't speak to anyone through pure fear of being behind a bar, and the other would not stop jumping around and being downright loopy. Christ on a bike. She completely knackered me out. I'm totally shattered today.

I might wait for everyone to piss off and have a nap for a hour... or 4.

My holiday - part 2

OMG!!! I have never in my entire life met a bunch of people shoved so far up their own asses that made me want to commit mass murder. Seriously, these people do not know what it is like to live in the real world. Every year D goes on holiday for 2 weeks camping. He goes with his family who, in turn, meet up with their friends and their spawn. This year, i went with them. Little did i know that i was about to be catapulted from the real world, into 'daddy buys me everything i want' world. D, bless him, has become immune to these people and can't see my problem. My 'problem' was this...

First night there, D introduces me to everyone. So far so good. For the next 5 days, not one of them speaks to me despite my efforts of 'hiyas' and 'how are yous'. In fact, i am blatently ignored. Why??? I'll tell you why! It's because my mummy and daddy aren't rich. They are not exactly poor, but they don't pay for my every whim. D is also ignored for much of the time, but because his parents are mates with their parents it seems that he is accepted into the fold. On day 6, one of them speaks to me. The conversation went somewhat like this...

Them: 'You have a very strong accent don't you.'
Me: 'Never noticed it'
T: 'Are you from a farm?'
M: 'Eh'
T: 'Does your folks have a farm because you sound very farmyard like'

There you go. I am, in fact, a duck. Ducks sound quite farmyard like don't they!??

Talk about stereotyping. All the above was, believe it or not, asked quite seriously and innocently. Because of my west country accent, it was presumed that i am from a farm. From day 7, i was refered to as 'the girl from the farm' or 'D's fling'. At least they spoke to me at random from then on. I was so grateful!!! *grimaces*

Now i must be off, i have to give someone a ride on my tractor. Cider anyone??

My Holiday - part one...

Things i did on holiday...

1. Ran away very fast from massive hob nail boot wearing spiders. *shudders*
2. Went on a boat into a big scary cave looking for seals. No seals there.
3. Went swimming in jellyfish infested waters. (well, one very small jellyfish but it's still a jellyfish and they sting)
4. Got drunk a lot
5. Sunbathed a hell of a lot and burned my ass cheeks.
6. Ate overlypriced, poor excuses for food.
7. Met a lot of snobby people who made no effort whatsoever to be nice to me.
8. Spent a lot of time being nice to said snobby people.
9. Seen a fish jump out of the water.
10. Went clubbing in a shed disgiused as a nightclub.
11. Looked desparately for internet access points.
12. Woke up at 6.30 - 7.00am everyday thanks to screaming children in the 'spacious' campsite.
13. Walked alot. Uphill.
14. RE above - not my choice.
15. Went to a beach party at 1.00am and watched a wooden pallet burn.
16. Went to see a castle.
17. Drove around a lot
18. Ate a ton of Amaretti flavoured ice cream.
19. Shouted at a prat who pissed me off and paid for it the next day.
20. Slept.

I must confess, the tent thing wasn't all that bad, apart from the frigging money spiders, everywhere. At least it didn't belt down with rain... much.

Part 2 coming soon... The people i met! (D's 'Friends')

I'm back!!!!

Hello all you wonderful people!! I survived 'camping in the rain' and have lived through momentus amounts of bugs and screaming children and i'm back, albet a little bit browner (it was bloody hot) and a little bit calmer!

The tent wasn't tooooooo bad, although at 6 in the morning when the sun has been on it for a while and you get woken up by the pure humidity in the tent isn't good when you didn't go to bed til 3 in the morning! However, i've been in boats, seen jellyfish, made sandcastles etc...

Once i have caught up on all my work i will blog in detail and catch up with all my fave blogs!!

Believe me, i have missed you all!! No bloody internet access for two whole weeks killed me!! There was even no mobile phone service! It's been hellish!