Boo!

Did i scare you?? I did didn't i!! Happy Halloween people.

Tonight, i am being forced to serve customers as a witchy witch!! I have my witchy dress, i have my witchy hair and my witchy hat! I have no witchy shoes nor any witchy make up. What a fun witch i'll make!!

My weekend was shit. Apart from the fact i can now BLOG AT HOME!!! Yippee!!! So there will be more blogginess from me!!

I stayed in Friday and sulked about being ill...
I went to a meeting Saturday for D's singing people and was made to feel incredibily small...
I worked all Sunday.

Back to Sat - how mean is this...

I had to take D to a meeting with his fellow singers all the way on the other side of town. That's a 3/4 hour drive there and back. The meeting was for 1 1/2 hours and it was in a pub, right next to a football ground that had just kicked out...

Now, since D was working until 3, and all the other singers were singing right next to the pub, there was no one to pick D up. Also, there was no one to bring D home at 6.00pm so he could go back to work, apart from me.

So i stayed, and when the meeting moved upstairs, the bossman thing told me to wait where i was. For an hour and a half. In a pub full of footie fans pissed off cos they lost 3-o. Now, i'm sorry, there ain't no way in the world i was sitting there, in a pub i've NEVER been in before, on my own with at least 70 pissed blokes all wanting to kick off.

So i sat in my car, in the pissing rain and waited, freezing my butt off whilst tolerating wolf whistles and rude comments from passing footie fans. I am ashamed to admit, i was so upset, i cried. For ages.

There was no need for that. It hasn't been a problem before for me to sit in on meetings and rehersals. So what was the problem then?? I have no idea. D left early cos he was disgusted that i was left on my own like that. He told me that he isn't going to any meetings where i have to drive him again. I told him not to be stupid. He says it's not on.

On a happier note, i baked a cake!! I then covered it with Smarties!! *mmmmmmm* I've took a photo of it so i'll post it as soon as...

*drools*

Its Saturday!!

It's Saturday people and guess what this means...

I finally have the frigging internet at home!!

Whoopdeewhoopdeedoo!!!!!!

After 1 and 1/2 years i'm back online!! I can now blog weekends!!!!!

I am no longer a weekend blogging virgin. My cherry, it has been popped!!

8 things i have learned this week...

...don't ask if someone is ok when you have a slight inkling that they are fucking weird.
If you do, it could turn out that they are a cross dressing, sadistic, mofo who will then stalk you via email.
...Always SAVE documents on the PC at least every 5 mintues.
If you don't, then don't expect to go home early.
...Don't go to work with a cold.
Cos it's pants.
...Don't sit in work looking like death hoping your boss would send you home.
Cos he won't.
...Don't participate in an online auction.
Cos you pay waaaaay too much for something cos you can't bear to be outbidded.
...Never try to beat the cat in a wrestling match.
Cos the wounds hurt like fuck.
...Don't eat rice krispies when you have a cold.
Cos they hurt like hell when you sneeze and they get lodged in your nose.
...Don't forget to clean out the cat litter tray.
Cos he'll shit on the floor, preferably in your clothes.

I'm so fucking thick

I have just spent the best part of 2 hours inputting info in an excel format, just to get distracted by a phone call and delete it all.

*bangs head repeatedly on desk*

Hnnnuuuuuhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Why the fuck did i not save it?? Why, why, why????????!!?!?!?!

imafuckwitimafuckwitimafuckwit.

Well.... ok

Now, i'm not that much of a bitch to post all the emails that the ladyman has sent me... Though i will post 'snippets' so you get an idea what i have to 'listen' to...

always felt i should be a girl so its more than just dressing up involved...

have mistress ... sent me tasks or punishments ...

...walk on you and kick you in the balls...

...i can't get turned on any other way...

You see?? Like i said before, i wouldn't dream of sharing info like that with someone i hardly know.

Ewww. Feel sick now.

*shudders*

So funny!!

Bahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I demand you watch!!

my 'slight' problem

I call it my 'slight' problem cos it's a 'not in my face' problem. its more of a 'niggly in the background' problem so all comments and views will be most appreicated!!

The other day, a chappie that i speak to regularly over the phone seemed all depressed and down. So me being the nice, compassionate girlie i am said if you wanna talk, you know where i am.

I so wish i hadn't bothered.

I received basically a 50 page email detailing his 'problem'. Lets just say he would rather be a 'lady'. Big time. Now thats not my problem. If that floats your boat then let it float your boat. No, my problem comes from the next part of his 'confession', and i am seriously freaked out. He told me that he is into 'domaineering women'. Thats ok. He told me he used to have a 'mistress'. Thats ok too. He then went into graphic detail telling me what turns him on and what gets him off. That has made me wanna run and hide in case he comes looking for me to whip him or something.

I mean, there is nooo way on this planet that i would divulge my darkest bedroom secrets to you. I don't even tell my bestest friends. That info is for me and D. The bloke now keeps emailing things like...

'Its all my fault' and 'i'll have to punish myself' and 'i've bought myself a little something...' The worse one was...

'Do you have any ideas of how to punish me cos i've been bad?'

Eh, No. Do not use me in your sexual fantasies. Ewww, ewww and ewwwwww!!!

D finds it so funny. He keeps asking me to print off the emails so he can have a laugh. Now, how do i get this bloke to fuck off and stop bugging me with this shit without upsetting anyone?? I can't be nasty. Nor can i refuse to speak to him. Help, help help!!!

I am so going home to scrub myself clean, just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. Seriously though, i wouldn't mind if he hadn't involved me in deciding his 'punishment'. ewwwwww god, i'm not talking about it anymore.

Nope. NO. Fuck off!!

Minging.

Mister Hand you will be jealous...

Ok, off i wandered to the doc's yesterday for the nice man to check out my achy armpit and guess what he did??

Go on... Guess??

He played with my boobies!!

Well, not really, he checked them for lumps and bumps as part of my armpit analysis and concluded that i'm... a hypocondriac!

Humpf. I'm sorry if a pain in my armpit caused me to think i was going to die. You can't be too careful with these sort of things can you. Theres no need to look at me like i have grown a second head now is there?!! The reason i troubled you is because its been hurting for 2 weeks now. It aches like a damn achy thing. I can't remember pulling a muscle or straining my pit?? I wouldn't know what a swollen armpit would feel like. So thats why i came to you. The doctor. The one that stands between life and death so to speak.

Anyway, you are forgiven for being so nice to me when i burst into tears at the thought of being brushed aside as a time waster. Thank you for reassuring me that i'm fine. Oh, and thank you for giving me your cold. Just what i wanted!!

So there you go. No second head for me. Just me and my own head!!

My next bloggage will be a dilemma one. About a man that has confessed his darkest sin to me... What do i do??

in honour...

...of chicken little aquiring a new ickle puddy in her household, here is yet another photo of my ickle puddy...



'I veil keel you vith my light sabre!! I am the evilest ickle puddy around.'

Awwwwwwwwwww isn't he sweet???

*makes kissy noises and generally acts dumb*

Bossisms

It is only 10 past 10 and already my boss has come out with some humdingers...

At 8.30am - 'i come in your office...'

What he really meant was that he comes in my office looking for things. However, i was too busy LMAO to let him finish the sentence!

At 9.45am - 'My wrist is bigger cos the muscle is toning up...'

Whilst myself and Tart wet our pants at the idea that our boss 'tones' his wrist muscle up by the only way a man could possibly tone a wrist muscle on one arm... he then stated that it was from football and not what we thought... However, i would like to know how someone can tone wrist muscles from kicking a ball?? Obviously the wife ain't putting out that much!!

On a more serious note - i have an aching armpit. (stop laughing you evil people - it hurts!!) There is nowt suspect in there, just a random ache. So it's off to the quacks for me!! Will let you know if i'm growing a second head or something...

hmmmm

'Stop waving around in my face' she said.
'you're a big tease' she said...

... talking about a cheese and onion roll here people, not my boobs or anything else like that. Although my boss stated... 'i'm glad i'm not blind' upon hearing that conversation.

People meet...

LMPP...



Please excuse the naked face. I didn't have time to trowel some slap on this morning.

and also meet the infamous Tart...



There. We are hugely bored today so spent it taking photos of each other.

So now you've met us properly. We are very pleased to meet you.

Bunnies

Last night, i was ridiculed. Basically because i announced that my all time favourite film is none other than Watership Down. You know, the one with the bunnies!!

Whats wrong with that?? It's packed full of drama, laughs, scary bits and gets me on the edge of my sofa. I cry everytime i see it. I sing 'Bright Eyes' to everyone after i watch it. It is a fabulous movie!! In fact, i may well watch it again tomorrow. I have it on VHS and DVD so i'm spoilt for choice. I may even wear my bunny pjs and my bunny slippers and snuggle with my cuddly bunny (who is 30 years old this year!!), Flopsy, who's ear really does need stitching back on, just to get all rabbitfied ready for it.

D might object. So might Darth. Tough, it's going on tomorrow**!! I have my super saturday morning lie in happening so it will be a late night full of Fiver and friends!!

**Unless the DVD & the VHS players pack up, or both copies spontainiusly combust.

And for a small whinge, the supermarket mixed their signs up at the bakery bit so i have yukky olive (bleugh) and rosemary (hmmm) bread instead of cheese (mmmm) and onion (mmmm) bread. Now i have no lunch apart from a pear that looks hard and a tinned, uncooked pie that i have no way of opening or cooking until i get home. Bollocks!!

Yippee!!

Another day out of the way which means i'm one day closer to my Saturday morning lie in!!

Whoopdeedo!!

*dances round office like a pig on heat*

Learning to type

Today i have been learning to type. And it's pants. I can't type to save my life. i do the two fingered thing speedy gonalaz style quite well. But multiple fingers?? Aha no.

I started off quite well and found an online freebie that teaches you to type. I did quite well with the ASDF and the JKL; routine. then it got harder and started chucking in G's and H's and then E's, R's, I's and U's and then i started cussing at the keyboard. 'Why won't you type the letters i press godammit! I'm pressing E and you're typing R!!!' *Frantically thumping R key*

Grrrrrrrr. I have a sore right hand and a bad temper now. I shut the program down in my pissy manner and stomped off in search of some Coke and Chocolate. I found some Coke. Hoorah!! But Chocolate seems to be still in the shop across the road and you can be buggered if you think i'm going all the way over there!

So there you go. Do not learn to type better than you can type. It's fucking stupid and it stresses you out. I knew i should have learnt this at school. LMPP childage mind was easier to manipulate than LMPP adult mind. LMPP adult mind is set in her ways, like mmmmmm coca cola or mmmmmm chocolate or mmmmmmm sex...
mmmmm
mm
mmmm

...ok, It does not like new things like learn to type (bollocks), bird flu (run away) or not drink Tia Maria (faints).

I hate typing. It's pants.

Well blow me... (not literally)

I am amazed. It seems that the irritating cow in my previous post (below) has a boyfriend. *mouth agape* So it can't be the lack of sex that makes her a crabby old tart. Now i'm stumped. Surely having new and regular sex makes you very, very happy and nothing can piss you off?? Not in her case. So my conclusion is??? She still ain't getting any!! Awww bless! Hurry up and get a shag love. My eardrums are on borderline burstation.

What did i do this weekend?? I went to see Wallace & Gromits new film. Most amusing if you like rabbits that go 'weeeeeee' a lot. I also blow dried my cat. Long story. Cat got sopping wet. Cat miowed a hell of a lot cos he was wet. LMPP decided best course of action was to whip out the hairdryer. Cat enjoyed being blow dried. Cat ended up fluffy. D went mental at fluffy cat. LMPP meekly confessed to blow drying cat. D went mental at LMPP. LMPP demostrated that cat liked the blow drying thing. D found it sweet. All was well.

Why me...?

Why is it, that when i go to comment on a blog and they have the word verification thingy switched on, i get the longest jumble of words imaginable to type. Like just now, when commenting on rather a funny post i had hgkssisysdgdjsjddhsdjuwdwdiwhdywdw. Ok bit of a exaggeration there but you catch my drift? And, i always type something wrong so it comes up with an easier one for me, like only 5 letters long.

I must be really dumb.

Yet again i have been shouted at by pissing customers. This time it was real frustrated rant rant rant. I'm like christ love, go find a big horny man and screw yourself silly. I didn't actually say this to her but i damn well thought it. She then had the gall to complain to my boss that i was shouting at her. Ehhh no. If i was shouting, the whole office would hear it and as no one heard me raise my voice, i couldn't of shouted could i??!! Unless you can shout by whisper? Is that possible??

The quote of the day, however, was said woman whinging about why i could find a man and she couldn't...

WW (Whinging Woman); What has she (me) got that i haven't? What can i do to find a nice man?
BBB (Big bad boss); You really wanna know??
WW; yes
BBB; Implants.

Hahahahahaha. Mine are real thank you!!

moan moan moan

I'm still being a whingy, poorly grumpy mare so i won't hang around too long and inflict my grumpiness on everyone else.

I need a hug. Someone gimme a hug.

Freakin' snots

I am 'sick' to death of having a pissing cold. I have yet another cold. It's awful. It's snotty and rattley and i smell of illness. I hate that ill smell and i especially hate it when its coming from me!!

When i'm ill i tend to crave comfort foods. Yesterday, i craved a nice soft 'just beginning to turn brown' banana. I love bananas when they are like that, all squigy and stuff. But no, the shop only had green ones. The supermarket only had green ones. The fruit shop only had green ones. I really don't like green ones. They are too damn hard. I had to make to with them little banana shaped foam sweets. Minging. But i had to have banana somehow.

In my comatose state on the sofa, wrapped in a ginormous fluffy blanket and sipping hot tomato soup in a mug (I hate tomato soup, why the fuck was i drinking it??) I watched a film called The Machinist. I won't review it cos i'm shit at that, i'll leave that to The Wicked Truth. Anyway it was good. All creepy and shit. But the twist was obvious and i was disappointed when i realised i guessed it halfway through. Watch it though. Let me know what you think??

Ah well, time to snot my way through another day. Tart got engaged at the weekend so CONGRATULATIONS TART! May you be happy for ions. Oh, and FoFuSa, update your frigging blog!

I hate pears

Another fruit has annoyed me immensley over the weekend. The pear. I remember a time when pears were all soft and juicy and mmmmmmmmmmmm. Now they are all hard and gritty and bleeeeeeurgh?!!! I sulked long and hard on Saturday when my nice juicy pear fantasy was scuppered!! I had to make do with an apple. And apples are just has bad. The skin gets stuck in my teeth sooooo, i peel my apples!! Yes, i am 5 years old. I have to have my apples peeled before i will contemplate eating them!!



However, a swig of perry is rather refreshing every now and then. Much better than the cider. Mind you, where i come from, preferring perry over cider is sacreligious. As the Wurzels once sang... 'I am a cider drinker. I drinks it all of the day...' They also sang... 'I've gotta bran' new combine harvester an' i'll give you the key...' But I ain't got one of those so i won't be made to feel guilty over the perry v's cider thing!!



Ahh, The Wurzels. Makes all us Bristolians sound like chuffin' farmers. Gert cor bliges and all that!!

A quick ditty for you...

I'm working like a mofo
fucksake fucksake
I fucking hate my job
fucksake fucksake
I'm working like a mofo
fucksake fucksake
Our clients are such knobs
fucksake fucksake
Someone pass me a gun
fucksake fucksake
i'm gonna shot the bastards
fucksakes fucksake
and then i'm gonna run.
fucking far far away!

I'm pissing busy. Can you tell??

On a funnier note, the cat pissed on my lap last night. And when i tried to push him off mid flow, he dug his claws so far into my leg i'm surprised he didn't severe a main artery. He took ages to finish and when he did, he shook out his leg, jumped off and watched me rant and rave whilst silently mocking me.

Pissing cat!

This sums up my mooood

Imgaine getting sent flowers from these people. I think i would be offended.

And this... This cracks me up everytime...

dodododo. dodo...



hahahahaha!

Bollocks

Yep, I said it. Bollocks. Thats what 'tis all about. Big steaming bollocks.

I'm fed up. Can you tell? I've just checked my bank account to be greeted with the words 'you have 0.57 in your account. You can draw out 1500.57'. Yeah, cheers then. Encourage me to go overdrawn why don't you? Pissing banks. What's worse, payday is 23 days away!

Lucky for me it's payday tomorrow from pub job then innit. Woohoo.

Where are you Mister Hand? Where are your comments that brighten my day?? Are you still working like a mofo?

Stop working like a mofo and come entertain me.

Yay!!

Tagorama

Sarah has tagged me in her latest post so since my headache has finally buggered off (lots of wine helped btw) i will proceed...

Go to your 23rd post.
Go to the 5th sentence in that post.
Blog it here...

'Diamonds or pearls'.

Jesus on cheese. That makes me sound like a Prince or whatever his name is now fan.

Hmmmm. It's waaaay to early in the morning for me to even worry about sounding like a prince groupie. I've had no caffine yet!

Anyway, i tag Pinkpantz cos she's being a lazy mofo and not updating her blog. Post something wench. Do it nooooow!!

Be back later when i've woken up..

Phfff

I have a headache. I think the straight hair thing is affecting my brain. Don't hate me too much when i tell you it hurts too much to be typing this so i'm gonna stop now.

I'll be back tomorrow though. I am a trooper!!

Ow.

Oh God. Help!!

It's dads birthday in 3 days time. I have limited money (nothing). WTF do i buy a 66 year old man who is sick of receiving mint chocolate (the only chocolate he will eat) and doesn't want to see any type of sock on his birthday??

Yes, i forgot it was his birthday and mum had to remind me ok! Dammit!

What to do, what to do... I could buy him a DVD but he'll never watch it. He hates CDs. He has every history of Bristol book there is.

My dad is the typical woman. Impossible to buy for.

Any ideas would be greatly received. I have til tomorrow to get it.

Oh, and i was 'insulted' last night. The man called me a 'bumhole'. I haven't heard that in years.
Bumhole. Buuuuummmmmmhooooole. *giggles* I politely replied that there was no need to insult me with words related to an anal orifice. Or chocolate starfish. Fucking bitch would do.

Bumhole. *smirk*

Me with straight hair...

Just for you. (Thank you lovely boss for getting photo on blog!)

LMPP's Straightening of hair fun & frolics

*The below is a true account of the happenings in LMPP's front room on Sunday. All events that are similar to living persons probably are coincedental as i'm sure I can't be the only person in the world to experience such palava.*

LMPP 'Arggghhhhghghghghghghgh' *fearfully shrinking back into kitchen chair*
Trainee Hairdresser (THD) 'What?! WHAT???' *Waving straighteners in face*
LMPP 'getthegoddamnmotherfuckinthingsawayfrommyfacerightnow.'
THD 'Wha...?'
LMPP 'AWAYFROMMYFACE'
THD 'Don't worry, i wouldn't hurt you'
LMPP *small voice* 'are you sure' *whimpering commences*
THD 'Yeah, i've done this loadsa times'

*Brief silence apart from the sisssscroussssssss of the hair straigheners.*

LMPP (thinks) hmmm thats a bit hot by my e.....
LMPP 'ARRGHHGGGGHHHH GODAMMITBITCH'
THD 'shit'
LMPP *whimpers* 'my ear. my poor little ear' *commence sobbing*
THD 'i'm so sorry. Let me just...'
LMPP 'ifyouevercomenearmewiththosefuckingeartorturersagainiwillkillyou. Kill You.' *growls*
THD *bursts into tears*
LMPP 'ok, now i feel guilty. come, straighen my hair somemore. I don't want any ears anyway'
THD 'ok'

*sisssscrousssss. sissscrousssss*

THD 'Ok, i'm done'
LMPP 'gimme a mirror'. *looks* 'Ohhhhhh i have straight hair'
THD 'is it ok?'
LMPP 'Ohhhhh i've have straight hair'
THD 'Do you like it?'
LMPP 'Ohhhhhhh'
THD *visabally relaxes* 'thankyoulord'
LMPP *mesmerised* 'ohhhh'
D 'for fucks sake. Can we go to the pub now?'
LMPP 'Pub? Ohhhhh'
D 'yes. pub. I. need. beer.'
LMPP 'ok.' *ohhhhh*

I have straight hair. Ohhhhh.