A temporary bye bye

I'm off people!! Two weeks in rainy Devon!! Just a quick post before i go!

I promise that when i return i will enlighten you all to the funniness that i have. I'm sure i'll do something incredibly stupid to make you all giggle!

I will miss catching up with all your blogs!! I sure have a mammoth task ahead of me!!

So goodbye to my faves... WS, Ms Mac, Chicken fried life, Mister Hand, Twitterpated... I will be back...

*sobs dramatically*

here i go...

Well people, tomorrow i go on my jolly camping in the rain holiday for 2 whole weeks in the ass end of nowhere. Whoopdeedo!

Thats 2 whole weeks of non blogging. I'm beginning to get a little panic on and thats just today. Imagine what i'll be like in the middle of next week. I'll be like a alcoholic with no drink. Can you get blog withdraw? Can you take something for it??

and then there were 3

How wonderful!! I now have 3 tents.

Yesterday i had none. I was getting worried as 'hello!! I'm going camping in like 3 days time and i have no tent.' I hate camping! Have i mentioned that before??
Anyway, i reserved a nice little compact tent from Argos for £40 for my daddy to pick up for me today. Which he did. Just after he got back, my boss from the pub rang and said, 'i've got you a tent.' Ok i thought, we'll take both just in case one blows away or something. Just after i put the phone down, D calls me to tell me that we have been given a tent as an engagement pressie and it came today.

Doh! 3 tents. I'm selling a tent. Anyone want it?

Completely off subject, look at my friends new tattoo...



Ouch. Looks painful! She now has 4 tattoos i think. Sod that, two is enough for me!!!

Woe is me

You know, i really hate the day after my birthday. It's a real comedown. No more pressies, no more free drinks, no more fuss. It's back to the real world, and back to work. On a more happier note, i did receive more pressies when i arrived home last night...

Another £10 from my bosses at the pub!! Ooo and a 'nice' view of my bosses arse! Thanks for that J!!
A voucher for a meal for 2 at La Passione, my local Italian from Uncle D. Nice one!
A nice top from my friend Y. Just about covers my melons.. no sorry ehem boobs.
Promises of at least 4 more goodies from friends i haven't seen yet.

By the way... HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Jennifer over at Twitterpated. Have a marvellous day honey!!

4 more days to go til camping in the rain. I have no tent as yet. I hpoe Argos sells them otherwise i will be sleeping underneath the cloud covered stars. Oh joyous joy. How happy that makes me!!

Sorry for this mornings really bland post, i just can't be arsed.

*deep breath*...

...Happy birthday to meeee
Happy birthday to meeeee
Happy birthday to meeeeeeeeeeeee
Happy birthday to meeeee!!!!!

Yes my fabulous followers, today is my birthday!!!

Today i am 27 years old *winces* and i still have to work. I think birthdays should automatically warrant you a fully paid day off and not affect your holiday entitlement!!

Anyway, for my birthday i had...

£30 from my mummy and daddy for me to get drunk!! They know me so well.
£10 from a bloke in the pub. And he wasn't even pissed!!
A box of Ferrero Rocher from the cat! Bless!
A lovely mobile phone that takes pictures!! Yay!! from D. I took lots of lovely photos of him asleep with it. Most amusing!
A bluetooth headset from D. I think it was more for him than me.
A book of Great British Mysteries from D. Cos every night i insist on watching 'most haunted' and then can't sleep cos i've convinced myself that my bedroom is watching me...
A photo frame with me & D in it from D. He's spoiling me...
A bucket and spade and beach ball and beach towel and suncream and flipflops from my bosses for my holiday in 5 days time! It's fabulous!!
Some balloons and 12 red roses again from D. I love this man!

ummmmmmm thats about it so far and it's only 8.35am!!

I love birthdays.

Just enough time for a quickie...

...not that sort you dirty minded people!!

I just wanna express my gratitude and love to the few of you that emailed me about this nasty incident. It was nice to know that some of you lovely people were fabulous enough to take the time to ask what happened and how i was. So...

Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!

You are all fab!

Love to all of you
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Goddammit

What a godamn awful fucking day i am having already.

There is this one girl i deal with at work. She drives me absolutely insane. She seriously is the epitome of all evil and she has been put on this earth just to annoy the living shit out off me. She is complaining about the most minor detail in the world. Yes people, i made a mistake, so shoot me. It doesn't affect the total at the bottom, so therefore it is a minor mistake. What she fails to remember is that i have to sit here and manually collate, type and send this info to her cos our systems are too crap to do it for me. I have told her this time and time again that, in reality, i am doing her a favour. Does she care?? Does she fuck.

She is the bane of my life and it galls me to have to be nice to her when really i just wanna scream FUCK OFF down the phone everytime she whinges.

I feel so much better now. Time for the pub methinks.

Mmmm bubbles

Champagne in the office today!! We must be celebrating something!

I can't blog about it due to wagging ears so if you wish to find out the fantastic news we received today then please email me and i will enlighten you!!

Things can only get better now!! Thank the lord for that. Bubbles have now gone to my head so i'm off to sleep it off!!

I'm falling apart

My belly is better today but now my ears hurt.

Can ears get colds??

Probably due to the fact i was sat right next to a man on stage twanging an electric guitar in my face quite loudly. And the fact the speakers were directly to my right. Coicidently, my right ear hurts the most. Goddamn guitar man.

Quite a looker though! *drools*

I have been pulled up on my pronounceation today. I said 'what a lovely or-de-ment, where did you get it?.'
She said 'It's Or-na-ment, not ordement, didn't you listen at school'
Bitch. If i wanna stick a D in it i will!! Ordement ordement ordement!!!!!

So there!! *pulls face*

On a happy note, i haven't been called in to see my VUP yet!! *does happy dance* Though there is time for me to be ripped apart... Here's hoping they will forget about me.

Mr Sheen, My Hero!

Just heard the news that a Very Unimportant Person is coming to see me tomorrow. Great! Have now spent the last hour with the help of the delectible Mr. Sheen battling the dust monsters that have had residence in my office for the last... oooo... 5 1/2 years.

Yes people, I cleaned.

There is no way on this earth i am letting my VUP slag me off about the state of my office. Thats MY office, not yours muppet!

So now i smell of Mr. Sheen, my office smells of Mr. Sheen, and the whole damn world smells of Mr. Sheen. I think i used too much Mr. Sheen.

Waaaay too much. Have headache now. Must... lie... head... on... desk.

Grumblemumble

My poor little belly is so sore today.

You know when you wake up and all feels well and then slowly you begin to feel a bit bleugh and then before you know it BAM!! Something hurts real bad? Well today it's my belly. And wow! it don't half hurt!! Unfortunately i am still at work, obvious really since i blog from work. No chance to crawl back under my duvet and sleep it all away. I blame my boss for this, he was ill over the weekend. Git!

No reply from the nasty bailiff people as yet. Maybe i'll get the chance to use my solicitor on them. hahahahahahahahaha!!

Ah well, i'm off to sulk. WIll pop back later though...

I hate pain. Especially if i'm on the receiving end of it!

Now i'm pissed

Very, very pissed.

Remember a while ago i mentioned something about bailiffs and said bailiffs coming to my house to remove goods as payment for a debt that somebody else who lived there before me had ran up? Well, i thought i'd sorted their 'mistake'. No, they TOLD me they had sorted their 'mistake'.

Well, guess what? Go on guess...

Yup, another notice of removal arrived on my doormat on Saturday advising me that they will be forcing entry into my home to remove goods, with or without the presence of the occupier, today.

I went mad. I went humdingerly, spectaculary, earthmovingly insane.

With a little help from the lovely people at Trading Standards, we discovered that the said bailiff cannot force enrty into my home without my permission (like i'm gonna say 'yes please Mr bailiff, come into my home and take all my stuff and sell it to pay off someone elses debt.'), nor can they force their way into my home without me allowing them peaceful entry first to arrange a date for said 'forceful entry'.

A strongly worded email went out this morning to the crappy company. Here are some snippets...

'...the very last time I will communicate with you. Any further need to do so will be done through my solicitor...'

'Not only have I not enjoyed the courtesy of a reply of acknowledgement to my letter and calls, I have continued to be pestered with continued threats of bailiff action.'

'...I am also informing trading standards of your operational policy.'

'...should a bailiff arrive and proceed to take action which would in effect be illegal.'

blahdy blahdy blah. Give me all your money fuckwits!!

Have i had a reply so far??? Nuh uh!

assrammingmuthafuckers are gonna feel my wrath... hear me roar!!!

Crappity crap crap crap...

Why is blogger being so crap today?? It won't load stuff properly and it won't let me view my fave blogs properly! So therefore it's a pile of shite today!!

On a happier note... (to be sung in the tune of the sun has got his hat on)

Theeeeeeee sun has got his socks on
Hip hip hip HOORAY
The sun has got his socks on and is coming out to playyyyyyy

Kt's having her barbie
Hip hip hip HOORAH
Kts having her barbie and will be a very drunken tart

La la la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I am gonna get pissed
la la la la la la my barbie will not be dissed

la la la la la laaaaaaaaaaaa
la la la la laaaa
la la la la la la la la la la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!

Guess i'm happy the weather has cheered up a bit then?... Yes i am, can you tell??

Bloody weather

God DAMMIT!!

Because the weather has been sooooo hot, me and D invited god knows how many people round our flat today for a bbq. I've bought a ton of meat and buns to stick said meat in. I've bought copious amounts of beer and wine. I dragged out the garden furniture and salvaged the plastic chairs that haven't been munched by the mysterious garden furniture destroyer and what happens when i wake up this morning?? WTF happens???...

Where has the sun gone?? Why is it grey and cold outside??? Why is there this wet stuff falling from the sky onto everything around me?? I'll tell you why... Because i opened my fat mouth and said, 'oooo it's such nice weather at the mo, lets have a barbie tomorrow'

I just hope for my sake it brightens up later or i'll scweam and cry as my friends ever 'loving' boyfriend would say.

Otherwise i'll just have to George Foreman it all and i hate using the George Foreman, it makes the meat taste like cardboard cos all the nice tasting stuff (fat) is taken out off it while cooking...

Damn you George Foreman and damn you blasted sun! I demand you come out and play... at about 4.00pm today! (please?)

Hot hot hot

Phew it's so damn hot here today!! Hooooooooooooot!!! I'm not used to this weather. I'm more climatized to the freezing rain and howling winds. But dammit, i'm not complaining!! I love to sit in the back garden with a tia maria, burning the fuck out of my skin and for your info, i go bright red and peel!! No nice brown tan for me. Give me a nice summers day with a cool breeze anytime!

However, whats the bets that when i eventually go on my jolly holidays...(16 days and counting!!) It will piss down with rain for the entire two weeks, my tent will leak and i will encounter an army of spiders in the shower...

After enjoying a nice lunch time break sat next to the harbourside today, i am now covered in midgey bites! All over my legs and face. Nice. So i am off now to have a good ol' scratch. Where's the savlon??...

Ahh the joys...

My ever loving boyfriend, D, has just called me to tell me that his balls hurt. They are hurting a lot apparently. After a lot of umming and ahhing he tell's me that he thinks he may have crossed his legs awkardly (sp?) and crushed the poor little lads. He is now worried that he may have damaged them. I mean, duh!??!

You are a big grown up man D. You have a rather impressive set of bollocks. If you cross your legs like a girl a bit quick without taking the time to 'adjust' your precious package then of course you are gonna squash them. And it will hurt. Be careful with those babies, they have to make me some babies one day...

Or then again...

Interesting...

Mmmmm, last night was quite the above. My friend and her 'loving' boyfriend came in and a ton of hints were dropped in my presence that she might be in the family way. Already.

Now, for somebody who didn't want everyone knowing their business, they (he) is blabbing a bit too much, too loudly. Another one of my friends commented a while ago that it seemed that he was just looking for someone to have his babies. I disagreed back then. But, things change and, to give the benefit of the doubt, so might he...

On another note, i arrived home last night to find that sweet, innocent Darth had scratched the wallpaper off the hallway wall. Now, normally this wouldn't bother me in the slightest, but as it's a rented flat with a anally retarded landlord i think that this may become a biiiig problem. Especially if Darth decides to scratch the buggery out of other things, namely more walls and my sofa. So, while he sat there all innocent looking, i got out the wok and threatened him with a nice portion of cat noodles. He called my bluff and went and sat in the wok. Bastard cat!!

Poor D is having problems with his arse. Nice. As we are experiencing tropical weather that melts everything in sight, including me, he is sweating more than usual and unfortunately, it's his arse thats 'bearing the brunt' so to speak. He made the mistake of moaning about his sore arse to me while i was a. pissy as hell, b. having my 'time of the month' and c. trying to clear up last nights tea.


Sore arse, you have NO idea what it is like having a sore fucking arse mate. Try having to lie there while some dodgy doctor whose trousers were waaaay too short for him clamped your asshole open and rammed a massive pair of tweezers up there to rip your colon apart while trying to 'gently' take a sample for biopsy, only to be told twice that he didn't get a 'good enough' sample and had to do it again and again.

You try having to suffer the motherfucking pain of having piles and an anal tear at the same time, only to be told by your doctor that i would have to endure the pain while it healed naturally. You sit there on the god damn bog frightened to death to shit because i'm sorry, but nobody wants to see a gallon of blood escape from a hole that shouldn't bleed.

Once you've experienced that, then tell me your poor sweaty arse hurts.

Go on, dare you.

Dammit.

Oh. My. God.

'I wuv you'

'I wuv you very much'

'I wuv you cos your her fwiend and she wuv's you'

For fucks sake. Not only do i have to be nice to him, i have to listen to that. One thing that really pisses me off is babytalk. Especially if its coming from a fully grown up indiviual.

'I wuv you' !!??!! WTF is that?? No, you don't 'wuv' me, you have to like me because i'm close to your wonderful girlfriend who deserves a happy life.

Wuv?? I don't think so!

Overshop?? Where have you gone?? If you still read this then leave me a comment as i will worry about you dammit.

She's gone and done it

Well, my friend whom i love with all my heart has heard the bastards fingers clicking and has gone-a-running back!!

I really hope for her sake that he doesn't 'flip' again or, i fear, the result may be much worse than a couple of black eyes and bruised egos. I can't believe within 10 mins of calling her (after 5 days of nothing) she was round his house in his arms with him promising the world to her and you know what really bugs me about the whole thing?? The fact that because she's all loved up with him and all happy again, i can't rip into the prick and tell him to leave her alone.

arrrggghhhh!!

On the plus side, all my friends that were in the vincinity of the bomb blasts on Thursday are all accounted for! Hoorah!! My heart goes out to the families of the people who are still missing, or confirmed as dead. My heart goes out to the people recovering from their injuries, and the people who had to witness these devestating blasts. God bless you all.

18 days til i set off for my 'fun' 2 weeks of camping in the rain!! I so hope there is internet nearby...

Christ...

It's my best mates birthday today... Happy birthday L!!
It's B's funeral today... God bless you B.
There's been a ton of explosions in London today... I hope the fucking bastards that caused this to happen... well, nothing i say will be torture enough for them.

I've rang all my friends that live near the scene to check they are ok. I have got hold of all of them bar one. She won't answer her phone. I'm terrified.

Help needed

I need advice and i need it like now!! Can anyone help me??

I have 2 really good friends. They are the world to me. One of these friends has been seeing a guy for 9 weeks tomorrow. Within this short space of time she has;

* More or less moved in with him
* Agreed to have his baby
* Accepted his proposal of marriage
* Had 3 major rows that resulted in her coming to me in a complete state
* Took a beating from him

Within this short space of time HE has;

* Stopped her talking to particular friends because he doesn't like them
* Berated her close friends by calling them names and saying nasty things about them, joking or not joking - anyones guess
* Borrowed money from her
* Beat her

As you can probably tell, i am quite concerned. I am fucking going out of my mind about the beating he gave her. At this moment he is 'taking time out to think' about things while my friend sits there worrying that he will finish with her. I've told her that she's absolutely bonkers if she thinks he won't do this again, but she is still determined to be with him.

I know i can't stop her being with him, i can only be here for her if anything else happens. I can't speak to her in depth because she will either change the subject or walk away. I'm scared that he will end up doing some serious damage to her.

What can i do?? It breaks my heart to see her in this state. I sorely hope he will tell her he doesn't wanna be with her anymore so we can pick up the pieces and put her back together now, hypothetically not literally as it might be if she goes back. She needs to make her own mistakes, but not at the cost of her wellbeing.

He's never been a threat to me, if anything he has been quite nice to all her friends, to their faces. I thought he was an ok guy despite his bitching about people, but we all do that. Now i'm pertrified of him, my other friend is losing sleep wondering if this friend will still be ok the next day.

How can i say to her what we, her closest friends are feeling about the whole mess? How can i tell her to keep away? Should i just butt out and let her get on with it?

The only way is uppp (ooo baby)...

...for me me me meeeeeeeee!!

Yes sweeties of the kingdom of blog, things are on the up once again!! After my shitty morning i have been informed by my delightful D that we now have a brand spanking new oven!! Although i have been told that D will supervise my cooking so i don't set fire to this one, i don't care!!! I can cook again!! I can't wait to produce one of my roast dinners...

Lamb anyone??

Bad day already

It's only 11.17am and already i want to crawl home and bury my head in a large bucket of chocolate ice cream. So far today i have cried, screamed, shouted, sobbed uncontrollably, kicked things, been horrible to collegues (who deserved it) and eaten a ton of twix!! Why? Well... are you sitting comfortably?? Then i'll begin...

7.57am. I am supposed to start work at 8.00am and i did leave home with plenty of time to get into work which is oooo about 1/2 hours drive away. I ended up sat in the mother of all traffic jams because a set of temporary traffic lights refused to turn green. Fuckers. I eventually trundled into work at 8.23am...
8.24am. It dawned on me after rushing in, logging on and attempting to read my emails that my email and internet were not sending and receiving. Now this causes me major problems due to the fact that ALL my work is email/internet related and i had to get a ton of info out by 9.00am to various customers. Coupled with the fact that i yet had to get said info from various depots and collate it (via pissing email) this isn't a great start to my Tuesday!
8.30am. Rang boss. Bosses phone turned off. Great. Rang IT guy. IT guys phone turned off. Marvellous...
8.31am to 9.10am. Screamed and shouted and cried and kicked things...
9.10am to 9.15am. Got really pissy with work colleague hassling me for info when i have already told him that duh! email is down knobcheese. Fuck off and quit bugging me.
9.16am. Started marathon Twix eating session whilst rocking slowly back and forth.
9.17am to 9.32am. Chain ate Twixes.
9.32am. Accountancy type bloke turns up wanting... you guessed it, info.
9.35am. Boss calls back and tells me to go and restart server machine. So off i toddle to do so...
9.37am. Called boss to ask him which one is server machime as there are 3 machines all purring away next to each other in the server room, all identical. Boss doesn't know. Wait for IT man to call me.
9.48am. IT man calls me and all is well! Or so i thought...
10.02am. Email happily receives but won't send. Sobs uncontrollably...
10.32am. Email decides to send emails.

Hoorah!! 5 Twixes and 2 cans of coke later all is well. Or have i now tempted fate? Do i have to touch some wood or something??

*touches head*

Lets see if it gets any better today!!

I'm being watched...

My posting may be a bit few and far between the next few days as i have to blog from work and things are a bit fraught here at the mo.

However, i will try and blog when i am here alone... which is for about 5 mins a day.
Hopefully i will have internet at home soon and then i can blog away to my hearts content!!
So to all of you that do read me, never fear i am still here... and to those who don't, well you won't miss me!!

Today will be the day i start my Holiday Countdown...

Dodo dodo dodododo dooooo (countdown music RIP Mr Whiteley)...

25 days til camping in the rain!!

Woohoo can't wait!! *grimaces*

A long weekend...

Well, it's been a long weekend for me. D came home from Portsmouth late last night all tired out and emotionally strung. What on earth can you say to someone who you love to try and help them to grieve? He's very cuddley at the mo. I'll just give him cuddles...

As i have mentioned before, i work in a pub. And last night was no exception. On a sunday we have the special needs people in to play skittles. (i think i've mentioned that before too). Anyway, there is one chap who is a giant. Absolutely massive in height, big hands, big feet etc, and he is always grinning. He is also quite loud. Now, this group is obessed, and i mean really obessed with having a receipt for everything they buy from us. Last night, Big guy bought a coke and forgot to ask for a receipt. I forgot to print one. The conversation went like this...

Big Guy 'Can i have my receipt please'
Me 'Sorry Honey, i've served someone else now so i can't print you one'
BG Stood with big grin on his face
BG 'Twat'

OMG!! I was just so speechless. I stood there with my mouth open while the girl i work with wet herself with laughter.

I've never been speechless before...

an unshameful plug...

Everyones still a bit subdued after yesterdays sad news. So this will be a tiny post...

The Harry Browns Shanty Men are singing at this weekends International Festival of the Sea in Portsmouth. If you live near there or are popping along, go check them out!! Not everyones cup of tea but they are really good if you like that sort of thing. Obviously this weekend is dedicated to B, so go along and support them, wave a banner or something...

Will resume normal service shortly...